Vagina Washing For Dummies

Do you ever have that not-so-fresh feeling down in your cootchie area?

You know what I mean… mix a sweltering summer day with short jorts and slight seepage and what do you get? A musky muff.

How do you combat the musky muff? You wash that thang. But even if you are spread eagle in front of the coldest air conditioning vent, chances are if you stuck your nose in the slot, you’d find that there is still a hint of vadge. It’s the same way with balls. (So I hear. Ahem).

The good news is that vaginas are self-cleaning. You don’t need to shove foreign bodies or chemicals into your sensitive orifice. It actually does damage. That’s why the word “douche bag” has a negative connotation attached to it. Just wash that mother every day with gentle soap and water. And if you’re expecting someone to put their face down between your thighs, make sure you at least wipe it down with a handi-wipe. OR if you’re desperate for some immediate cootchie cleaning because you’ve been all up in da club werkin’ it out and this dude wants to make out (or something) then order a vodka on the rocks and splash it up your pleather skirt. Alcohol kills germs and it could possibly double as a cocktail.

But for clarification and just in case you stumbled across this post by googling “how do I thoroughly wash my hoo ha?,” here are some ways in which you should NOT wash your front butt.

  1. Do not use a bottle brush. No scrubbing! This may be hard for you OCD types to resist.
  2. Do not use a pressure washer. That thing could wash out your entire uterus, fallopian tubes and shine up your ovaries.
  3. Do not go to an automatic car wash and hang your junk out the window. Unless it feels good of course. Duh.
  4. Do not use a Mr.Clean magic eraser. Unless someone drew on your crotch with a crayon. Then, by all means… erase away.
  5. Do not accept the offer of a happy finish from one of those windshield washers on the street corner. Especially if it’s Jerry. Although his work is admirably meticulous, that dude doesn’t rinse his squeegees. That’s like, SO unsanitary.
* The crotch card above is one of mine. Horny deer not included.
About Robin Plemmons

Robin Plemmons is an artist. She makes greeting cards in her own funky handwriting that say things like, "Congratulations on making a human with your genitals!" & "I hope you washed your crotch because I'm about to put my face in it." You can find them in her Etsy Shop. She blogs at ballstothewallyall.com & tweets like a horny hyena. Follow her if you like that kind of thing: @robinplemmons.

Comments

  1. Jana A says:

    THIS is what I needed to end this day. Not because my crotch is stank or anything, but because today has been bullshit. And Robin Plemmons is NOT bullshit. Nor is a clean hoo ha.

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  2. Malia says:

    I saw the teaser for this on FB and I just KNEW it was going to be a Robin Plemmons article. I so love you! And I’ll keep the automatic car wash idea in mind… ;-)

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  3. amy says:

    Your card is a hoot!

  4. amy says:

    thanks for the reminder. im a waitress and we have seating outside. in the south, in the summer and we have to wear jeans. i have daily swamp crotch.

  5. Leah Segedie says:

    I peed my pants I laughed so hard. Now I gotta wash my junk lol!

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  6. buffi says:

    The automatic carwash? That is genius. This divorce has been long & lonely.

    Also, you’re right about Jerry. I took a look at those squeegees and said NO THANK YOU. Also, sometimes his teeth fall in that bucket. That is so gross. I’m sorry. Kinda.

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  7. While your vagina was never intended to smell like flowers, I agree that swamp crotch is something not even the most devout friend of the muff wants to dive face first into.

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  8. Mindfulmoon says:

    Alas, your post came just too late for me. I actually had mine power washed on Monday. The gyno did a great job though and assures me that this will cure that little “monthly friend” from popping around now.

    Translation, I had an ablation. I should have known better than to read your post though because I knew I would be laughing and that sorta HURTS right now.

    Still, I enjoyed it anyway. Keep up the good work.

    • Ashley Hast says:

      @Mindfulmoon – I’m *seriously* considering this ablation bid’ness. Was it outpatient? What’s the expected length of healing? My vagina has *no* idea what in the hell it wants to do these days, and it seems the tubal ligation I had 2 years ago only made things worse.

      On to other things – I’m loving this post. One of the things I hate *most* about going to the gym is ‘running’ on the elliptical for an hour, and the large amount of sweat, especially from the crotchal region, that accumulates. I have since learned that I’ll only wear black shorts or tights, since if they’re *totally* soaked it’s not as noticeable….*especially* when the morons put the ellipticals in front of the free-weights, so you have tons of guys looking at your nasty, sweaty rear-end. Yuck. I’m sure it’s not goood for me in some way or another, but on days that I take a water pill? I even put a bit’o deodorant between my ass cheeks or on the V of my thighs, just for the consideration of others. Lol. Too bad some of the stank-ass-funky-smelling men won’t do that….from head to toe!

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      • Mindfulmoon says:

        @Ashley, It’s an outpatient procedure. It actually takes longer to put you completely out than to do the procedure. That’s actually only a half hour or so. They use a lot of different methods but basically, it’s just removing the lining of the uterus by burning or freezing. Mine was scalded out.

        Healing, I guess, is about the same with all of them. It’s 2 weeks of nothing at all in your vag., with a little bit of watery discharge (you’ll think you peed just a little all the time) and then there’s a bit of cramping. Mine was only really bad the first day and the nurse was quite free-handed with the lovely Percaset. I love her and I’m thinking of divorcing my husband for her (Just Kidding, but the percaset was quite nice). The discharge (they tell me) will be about 4-6 weeks. There’s a 50% chance of no period ever again and 75% of really light ones.

        Oh, and I probably spelled Percaset wrong.

        • Granny Rose says:

          Yeah, it’s actually Percoset, but who cares? It’s sweet stuff and we love the people who give it to us. I’m 18 months out from my ablation and all the stuff they told you is what I’ve experienced. It’s the best thing I ever did for myself…and my sex life. :-)

          And it makes pressure washing completely unnecessary…

        • Rosstwinmom says:

          How does one convince one’s doctor to do this ablation bidness? I’m so in. The BC pill I was taking gave me my girl stuff every 4 months but made me a beyotch and had too much spotting. I could never assure my husband when I would be open for business. My new BC is good for my anxiety but has given me acne. Dude, I’m 37. I don’t need zits on my wrinkles.

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          • Granny Rose says:

            As long as you know for certain that you don’t want to have any more children, then ask for it. And if your doc doesn’t get the anxiety involved in dealing with all the issues, get another doc. But you have to be sure about the kid question, because pregnancy after-the-fact is soooo not good.

  9. Norell says:

    Thanks for the hilarious read. I needed this after the past couple weeks and it certainly did the trick. I know I won’t ever drive by a car wash without laughing again!!

  10. Aja Lynn says:

    I have nothing clever to say about this. I just FREAKING loved it. Too. Freaking. Funny.

    Thank you. I will dream of clean hoo ha’s tonight.

  11. Al_Pal says:

    Awesome. Hilarious. Which, after meeting you, I am so not surprised by.
    The title, of course, reminded me of Margaret Cho’s first concert film. ;-)

    Showers are a wonderful invention. ;D

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  12. this is not quite what I was expecting.

    LOVED it….laughed out loud! Good think I’m not on the bedroom level (everyone else is asleep)

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  13. goose says:

    I love it. I think everyone needs to read this article.
    At the very least, single folk, need to carry a stack of the above pictured cards, because you never know when you are gonna be walking down the street and see something you just gotta have some of. The cards could eliminate a bit of the awkward talking about stuff stage of the ‘I just gotta have you’ meet.

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  14. "Truvy" says:

    I think Margaret Cho summed it up when she said, “HI! My name is GWEN! And I’m here to WASH YOUR VAGINA!”
    I love your sparkle baby…

  15. Kizz says:

    “The good news is that vaginas are self-cleaning. You don’t need to shove foreign bodies or chemicals into your sensitive orifice. It actually does damage.”

    Sing it! Why is this information so hard for people to, er…., absorb?! Can’t say it enough. Self. Cleaning. Don’t fuck that up!

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  16. tina says:

    I love your frankness – I think you left out mid-day hoo-ha stenchy-ness that you can smell and KNOW that others are wondering who is eating tune around them…not for sake of the man thang…cuz I do the whole shower for best results…just my opinion…but what about mid-day – out shopping, hotter than crap, meeting the girls for a drink after – no hand-wipes in the purse and for sure not ready to waste a 9.00 drink to splash on your cootch…what then?

    xo– a new admirer

  17. Kathykate says:

    And what up with wick-away bullshit? wick away nuthin. My vag and entire laundry room reaks of smelly ass exercise clothes. Not worth it. Nope.

    The vag gets clean w little soap & h20. but those clothes? ugh.

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  18. Holy shit, I may have snorted out loud, like a pig. It wasn’t pretty. And the tears. TEARS!

    What about those frenchie hoo-ha washing toilet-sink thingies that do it for you? I’m all about getting one of those installed. Word.

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  19. WILL YOU MARRY ME? She said screaming into the computer. At least I know you’ll have a clean va-jay-jay.

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  20. Melanie says:

    Oh, you are killing me! I am so glad I found you on here because you crack me up. You have my humor but you have the guts to put it on a greeting card! We moved into a house with a pool this summer and my new goal in life is to create a swim towel with some sort of leg insert or something for extra crotch coverage because I hate getting out of the pool and then walking around and feeling like I’m peeing on myself even after the rest of me has dried off. Why does it all seep downward for us women?
    As far as smelly-good vags, I think that is a deep concern for all of us women, but I take it upon myself to explain to all of my friends just how to take a proper whore’s bath prior to intimacies because no man needs to know everything your nether regions were up to that day. No matter if his balls are musty or not.

  21. omg…sigh…. why everyone thinks that this crap is so hilarious? It is ALL so rude, inappropriate, NO boundaries, deviant behavior… You MUST have a personality disorder which is why can’t see that this is all so very wrong…

Trackbacks

  1. [...] Costco the other day, I found myself in the unfortunate position of needing to switch out the ‘ol vag plug. I felt relieved that only my daughter was with me. I had a master plan to distract her while [...]

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