6 Songs To Get Hot To (No, Not Like That)

So, dollars to donuts it is effing hot right now, wherever you live. Unless you live somewhere where, for some reason, it’s winter.
I still don’t understand a few very basic things about how the earth and the sun work. But assuming you live in the U.S. of A., it is effing hot.

Have you looked at weather.com lately? They have this heat map thing, and seriously, it straight up looks like Elmo got knifed over the entire Midwest. The coasts are more like melted Creamsicles, or those candy lipsticks from my childhood that always tasted like lubricated Play-Doh. But you get me. It is HOT. How hot? Hot as eff.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m sad and despondent, I like to listen to songs about being sad and despondent. I even have an iPod playlist called “Make Yourself Cry,” which includes things like  “Sister Christian” by Night Ranger. SHUT UP. They call them power ballads because they are powerful, yo.When I’m in a sexytime mood I like to listen to… well, the Buena Vista Social Club soundtrack, actually, which I should probably discuss with my therapist. Anyway, human feelings and the lyrics that express them are inextricably linked. So when it is the approximate temperature of Satan’s armpit outside, songs about heat are soothing. Herewith, my personal recommendations:

Summer in the City
This is probably the best-known hot-as-eff song, at least among city dwellers. Because, well, you know… the title. I guess there could be a companion song about more rural areas, but the rhymes wouldn’t be as good:

Hot town, summer in the country
All of my cows gettin’ sweaty and… lumpy?
(Look, I don’t farm, so I don’t know what the heat does to livestock)
Been down, picking up my sundries,
Doesn’t seem to be a building in the country

Also, has anyone ever posited the theory that The Lovin’ Spoonful and The Monkees are the same people? Inquiring minds (me and my Google Image search function) want to know.

Hot, Hot, Hot
Ole ole ole ole! This song includes literally not one single full sentence (unless you counts “So we go rum-bum-bum-bum!”), which is perfect for sun-addled brains. And! It’s by the pseudonymous alter ego of the front man for the New York Dolls… who also played the Ghost of Christmas Past in the criminally underrated Bill Murray holiday romp Scrooged. And here I was always picturing a Harry Belafonte lookalike. The More You Know.

Too Darn Hot
Aw. “Darn” was what Cole Porter said when he meant “fucking.” Quaint. Anyway, this show tune (from Kiss Me Kate) may be adorably antiquated (it uses phrases like “sup” and “pitch some woo”), but it takes on a sassy smolder when sung by Ella Fitzgerald. I highly recommend listening to Ella’s version whilst fanning yourself in a négligée (or, for men, boxer briefs). Your partner may interpret this as pitching woo, but you need only inform him or her that it is too darn hot.

Feel My Heat
Yes, I am referring to the fake song in Boogie Nights, performed by Dirk Diggler and Reed Rothchild.

Heeeeeeeeeat wiiiiiiiilllllllll rock you
And heeeeeeeaaaaaat wiiiiiiillllllllll roll you
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby doooooooon’t you know-oh
My heeeeeeeeaaaaaaat will moooooooooove your sou-oul

This is my entire argument.

Some Like It Hot
I only know this song (by The Power Station, which according to Wikipedia was a “supergroup” formed by members of Duran Duran) because it plays in Rusty’s dream sequence in National Lampoon’s European Vacation–in which, if memory serves, he is wearing a white jumpsuit and mirrored glasses. Again, this is my entire argument.

Hot In Herre
Granted, Nelly is referring to a club and not to the atmosphere in general, but since I’m typing this in my underpants I think it’s fair to assume that the catchy lyrics (I am gettin’ so hot, I wanna take my clothes off) apply to both. Also it is a documented fact that Rs proliferrate in extrreme temperaturres.

I know I probably missed some of your favorites because I was too busy sobbing hysterically to Night Ranger while dropping ice cubes down my pants, so please add to this list. And stay cool*!

*That sounds like a 1988 yearbook quote, but I mean it literally.