Against my best intentions, we went to see The Smurfs this weekend. What can I say? My 4 year old bribed me with a lollipop. Okay, fine. Maaaaaybe it was my idea. Hey, don’t look at me that way. It’s 107 degrees here in
Hell Texas, I’m suffering from perpetual heat stroke and I simply can’t be held responsible for my actions. Besides, going to the movies is a free pass to eat your weight in gummy bears and popcorn and I’ve been doing really awesome on my low-carb diet for the last… 8 weeks, fine 6 days, okay definitely 48 hours at the minimum.
I must say, the Smurfs have come a long way since their heyday in the 80’s when it was my life dream to be Smurfette and live in a village of tiny blue men. Wait, did I say that out loud? Don’t judge. I was impaired by my asymmetrical haircut and overexposure to Final Net hairspray fumes.
Moving right along, now that the Smurfs have made their way to the big screen, they’ve had the privilege to be voiced by popular stars like George Lopez, Katy Perry, Kenan Thompson and other actors who clearly must have been munching on one of those smurfy mushroom houses when they made the decision to appear in this catastrophe of a movie. The Smurfs is possibly the most insipid piece of drivel that I’ve had the misfortune to watch since I had to sit through 5 painful hours of home videos from my own tween years which featured me wearing a belted neon green unitard while doing interpretive dance moves to Lionel Richie hits. By the time we reached the final scene in the movie I was proud that I hadn’t succumbed to the desire to gouge my eyes out with a package of Twizzlers.
On the other hand, I have to admit that I did learn a few smurfy and/or smurfed up lessons. Let’s review:
- Using the word “smurf” interchangeably for each and every word in a sentence can in fact make a person smurf in their mouth.
- Ditto on the Smurf song. Which is now my kids’ new favorite song and may be responsible for future homicides or suicides in my neighborhood.
- Smurfs may or may not be related to the Easter Bunny, as it was revealed that blue M&M’s are actually Smurf droppings.
- Despite the fact that Gargamel was a smurftastically boring villain who the Smurfs managed to defeat using nothing but spoons and rotten eggs, he did bring some interesting fashion to the movie. Leave it to Gargamel to rock a retro 80’s sweater dress with fuzzy red boots, leggings and a trendy unibrow. Who knew ugly old wizards could be so sexy?
- Not even George Lopez is capable of saving The Smurfs movie. Although he was responsible for the best scene in the movie where Grumpy Smurf tries to make it with an oversize green M&M plushie.
- The best way to get noticed at your important corporate job is to get some magical creatures to smurf on your laptop and send random files to your boss. This will inevitably lead to a big promotion and a personal phone call from Sofia Vergara.
- Ever wondered what’s under those smurfy white pants? Really? You’re more smurfed up than I thought. Well, anyway, turns out Smurfs don’t have sexual organs at all. According to Handy Smurf, they have giblets and are brought by the Stork. Well, that certainly explains why there’s millions of dude Smurfs and just one Smurfette. Or not.
- Not ready to become a father, even though your sickeningly sweet wife is 9 months along and ready to pop? Just have a heart-to-heart with Papa Smurf! The stars will align, you’ll learn how to channel your inner smurfiness, have a healing group smurf and in no time at all you’ll be wearing white pants after Labor Day and your life will be complete.
Can you say gag me with a Smurf? Damn straight.
Now, please excuse me, but I need to go get smurfed up.