The Smurfs Movie Review: Um, I think I just smurfed in my mouth

Against my best intentions, we went to see The Smurfs this weekend. What can I say? My 4 year old bribed me with a lollipop. Okay, fine. Maaaaaybe it was my idea. Hey, don’t look at me that way. It’s 107 degrees here in Hell Texas, I’m suffering from perpetual heat stroke and I simply can’t be held responsible for my actions. Besides, going to the movies is a free pass to eat your weight in gummy bears and popcorn and I’ve been doing really awesome on my low-carb diet for the last…8 weeks, fine 6 days, okay definitely 48 hours at the minimum.

I must say, the Smurfs have come a long way since their heyday in the 80’s when it was my life dream to be Smurfette and live in a village of tiny blue men. Wait, did I say that out loud? Don’t judge. I was impaired by my asymmetrical haircut and overexposure to Final Net hairspray fumes.

Moving right along, now that the Smurfs have made their way to the big screen, they’ve had the privilege to be voiced by popular stars like George Lopez, Katy Perry, Kenan Thompson and other actors who clearly must have been munching on one of those smurfy mushroom houses when they made the decision to appear in this catastrophe of a movie. The Smurfs is possibly the most insipid piece of drivel that I’ve had the misfortune to watch since I had to sit through 5 painful hours of home videos from my own tween years which featured me wearing a belted neon green unitard while doing interpretive dance moves to Lionel Richie hits. By the time we reached the final scene in the movie I was proud that I hadn’t succumbed to the desire to gouge my eyes out with a package of Twizzlers.

On the other hand, I have to admit that I did learn a few smurfy and/or smurfed up lessons. Let’s review:

  1. Using the word “smurf” interchangeably for each and every word in a sentence can in fact make a person smurf in their mouth.
  2. Ditto on the Smurf song. Which is now my kids’ new favorite song and may be responsible for future homicides or suicides in my neighborhood.
  3. Smurfs may or may not be related to the Easter Bunny, as it was revealed that blue M&M’s are actually Smurf droppings.
  4. Despite the fact that Gargamel was a smurftastically boring villain who the Smurfs managed to defeat using nothing but spoons and rotten eggs, he did bring some interesting fashion to the movie. Leave it to Gargamel to rock a retro 80’s sweater dress with fuzzy red boots, leggings and a trendy unibrow. Who knew ugly old wizards could be so sexy?
  5. Not even George Lopez is capable of saving The Smurfs movie. Although he was responsible for the best scene in the movie where Grumpy Smurf tries to make it with an oversize green M&M plushie.
  6. The best way to get noticed at your important corporate job is to get some magical creatures to smurf on your laptop and send random files to your boss. This will inevitably lead to a big promotion and a personal phone call from Sofia Vergara.
  7. Ever wondered what’s under those smurfy white pants? Really? You’re more smurfed up than I thought. Well, anyway, turns out Smurfs don’t have sexual organs at all. According to Handy Smurf, they have giblets and are brought by the Stork. Well, that certainly explains why there’s millions of dude Smurfs and just one Smurfette. Or not.
  8. Not ready to become a father, even though your sickeningly sweet wife is 9 months along and ready to pop? Just have a heart-to-heart with Papa Smurf! The stars will align, you’ll learn how to channel your inner smurfiness, have a healing group smurf and in no time at all you’ll be wearing white pants after Labor Day and your life will be complete.

Can you say gag me with a Smurf? Damn straight.

Now, please excuse me, but I need to go get smurfed up.

About Naomi De La Torre

Naomi de la Torre used to be a world famous salsa dancer and Guinness World Record holder in competitive meat-sculpting and artistic pie-eating before she gave up her life of fame and fortune to settle down. Now the mother of two adorable boys, she is most likely to be found hiding from the 100 pound pile of dirty laundry that stalks her, eating her weight in jarred cheese or using a can of Crisco to squeeze herself into her old sequined salsa dresses. Naomi is a contributing writer for SheKnows, Momtastic, Baby Banter and Insert Eyeroll.

Comments

  1. Cassie says:

    Nope, won’t ever see this movie. I didn’t ever watch the TV show (well, except once on accident a few weeks ago at Pizza Hut), but its just wrong!

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  2. I love the TV show. You know Trekkies? I’m the same way, but with Smurfs. (I saw a review that asked why Smurfette was the only female. Seriously? Because Gargamel created her using a magic potion, so she could lure the Smurfs into Gargamel’s trap, create disharmony among them, and finally, drown the village by breaking the dam, duh.) Which is why I will never watch this sacrilegious shite.

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  3. Deb Rox says:

    “The best way to get noticed at your important corporate job is to get some magical creatures to smurf on your laptop and send random files to your boss. This will inevitably lead to a big promotion and a personal phone call from Sofia Vergara.”

    Little known fact: this is how it works at Aiming Low, too. I think. But Sofia hasn’t called yet. I would remember that.

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  4. Kyla says:

    I remember that unitard. It was pretty smurfy.

  5. This, please: …”featured me wearing a belted neon green unitard while doing interpretive dance moves to Lionel Richie hits.” So awesome. Neon, now that was fashion at its best.

    I can’t say I’m surprised the Smurf movie was bad, but I’m still disappointed. You know I’ll be there with the 5 year old anyway… Just smurfy.

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  6. Alexandra says:

    Smurf as adverb/modifier/pronoun/adjective/participle and OH MY GOD!!

    I DO NOT WANT to see this, and that’s with me lovin’ Doogie Howser, too.

    Not even on Netflix, or free from the library.

    I just can’t.

    I have a sensitive stomach.

    You are one brave mama.

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  7. TechyDad says:

    I’ve always hated the Smurfs. While going to see the Winnie the Pooh movie (great), my kids saw promotional materials for the Smurfs. Then, they found it on Cartoon Network and became instant fans. Meanwhile, my older son, NHL (almost 8), is getting into Harry Potter.

    How is this related? Well, while shopping, NHL saw a picture of Gargamel in a Smurf coloring book and said “Hey, it’s Voldemort!” So, of course, I had to post about it because I envisioned Voldy going toe-to-toe against Papa Smurf. http://www.techydad.com/2011/08/voldemort-vs-papa-smurf/ (I was kind in my post, but I secretly envisioned multiple Avada Kedavra’s being inflicted on little blue guys.)

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  8. Sarah says:

    The previews used the word “smurf” in enough ways for me to know that this was NOT the movie for me. That and all the stupid CGI creatures running amok while live actors make a lot of surprised faces… even if I DO love NPH… I hate movies like that.
    Besides… the Smurf song would totally get stuck in my head like the Chipmunk Squeakquel’s version of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”… and someone would DEFINITELY die.

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  9. I am so glad I found this review because I have telling my kids and hubs that I WILL NOT go see this movie. I was a huge smurf fan in the 80s and this movie I can tell from the commercials does not even do it justice.

    Oh and BTW I felt the same way with the winnie the pooh movie that was only 40 minutes long and THEY STILL charged full price!!

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  10. Amber says:

    Thanks to the awesome allure of NPH to my teenage daughter, I am apparently going to be forced to go to this horrorshow.. err movie.

    I have a minor fear of smurfs due to passing out from heatstroak under an upended plastic pool that was decorted with them. At one point I was certain they were dancing about and singing.
    Also.. from smurf days of the week undies..

    *shudder*
    .. save me?

  11. I had a feeling this was going to be pretty awful. I loved the show as a kid, but the whole “smurfy” thing is truly annoying.

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  12. Today, I went to the beach front with my children. I found a sea
    shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.”
    She placed the shell to her ear and screamed.
    There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to
    go back! LoL I know this is completely off topic but I had to tell someone!

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