People of the world – I must speak to you regarding a matter of great importance. I recently spent a great deal of time in crowded Italian buses, trains and subway cars and observed many breaches of etiquette. I have therefore concluded that we must come to a cross-cultural agreement regarding appropriate behavior in tight spaces.
Because I am a thoughtful person, I have put together a list of guidelines for your consideration.
People please -
1. Do not insert your tongue into the facial orifice of another person.
This includes but is not limited to mouth, ears and nose. Few people enjoy watching strangers dry-hump and even fewer enjoy watching discomfort spread through a crowded bus like the plague.
2. Do not lick another person’s face (and all parts therein), arm, hand, finger or neck.
You look like those lice-picking monkeys at the zoo and it is quite unflattering. Furthermore, I have two words to you: germs and
sweat. If you won’t stop for the rest of us, do it for yourself. Give your mouth a little vacation – think of it as a spa day!
3. Do not smoke marijuana in crowded moving vehicles – even if it is the good stuff.
Most people don’t begrudge you a little weed but it is unfair to get the rest of us high when we have no access to Cap’n Crunch, raw cookie dough or a lava lamp.
4. Do not lean.
“Lean on Me” is a lovely song with a charming sentiment. However, it is less charming when practiced literally. Though personal space is a pipe dream in crowded places, no one wants to be one zealous lean away from a human domino accident.
5. Do not push.
We are all as close as possible. Pushing will not magically create a sidecar on a public transport. No one is hoarding open space - there are no green fields just out of sight where people are roaming freely through fields of sunflowers.
6. Do not talk (or worse – shout) to your friend who is standing on the other side of another person.
This may lead to hearing loss. It will definitely lead to loss of good will. In other circumstances, we might be concerned about your friend’s broken leg/the fight with your girlfriend/your dog’s bowel problems but right now we are focused on standing (see #4 above).
7. Do not clap loudly, chant loudly or sing loudly.
Additional helpful hint - don’t do these things quietly either. We question your intelligence and/or think you are drunk. Not “cute drunk” either. Also, no one finds you funny – until you inevitably trip getting off the bus/train/trolley/subway.
8. Use deodorant.
I know – some of you claim to get rashes from it. Do what you need to do – use your crystal, tie basil sprigs in your armpits, strap a little pine tree freshener in there. Many people enjoy the smell of cumin, onions and garlic but only in fajitas. Unless your armpits come with
margaritas, do something.
Feel free to add to this list as needed or, if you are the punitive kind, suggest punishments for infractions.
This post is by Vikki Reich, a zen master in a neurotic sheep’s clothing. She blogs regularly at uppoppedafox.com.
About Comic Relief Roster
-Please get your bag/luggage/feet off of the seat that one of us could be sitting in.
-Please do not try to strike up a conversation with me if I am reading. If I wanted to talk I would.
-Please know that I know there is no reason for you to push your groin close to me when we are standing. That is just pathetic. And I will (and have) elbow you aggressively and call you on it LOUDLY.
If the whole carriage can hear you you are talking too loud. Speak softly or just STOP ALTOGETHER.
Don’t even think about music without headphones.
And sitting on top of me does not make more room it just makes you a twat. I’m looking at you wide shoulders who must lean back and long legs that must be all the way open.
On the plane home, there was a kid watching a movies on the computer WITH NO HEADPHONES. Loudly. I tried to kill the parents with my mean looks but it did not work.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
Ahh I so hear you on not watching your child on an airplane flight. Recently flew to Germany and the kid behind me either kicked his seat or put his tray up and down, up and down repeatedly. Thankfully he slept for ONE of the nine hour flight. His parents? Blissfully sleeping or ignoring his shenannigans.
Never flew when my kids were that young (4?) but man did his parents deserve a talking to. Unfortunately my evil standing up and glaring stares not enough.
Reading this took me straight back to going to work on the subway in Milan every day. I have so many, I wouldn’t know where to start… but here are my three biggest public transportation pet peeves:
1. get your skinny teenage a$$ up and let the heavily pregnant lady sit down, I know you see her.
2. stop staring at your smartphone you middle-aged twat and let the senior citizen have your seat.
3. take your stupid backpack off, you keep hitting me in the face with it, and set it by your feet, we’ll all be more comfortable.
Twitter Name: moomser
Haahahaaa! I totally want Margarita Armpits now.
Twitter Name: littleanimation
Right? Make it worth it for us.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
As a stranger in a strange land currently using subways, trains, and buses more, I must add:
Quit staring at me and my kids. Yes, we speak English. Yes, we are from elsewhere. We are not here to turn you and your children into lazy, ignorant slobs. Keep your evil-eye to yourself or direct it at the face-lickers.
Twitter Name: TalkIsPrimary
I second this.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox