Pregnant Women: Not Smug, Just Gassy

Jealous much?

I was getting a sandwich the other day during a café’s off-hours, and while waiting for my to-go order, I overheard a conversation between the (male) bartender and the (female) waitress.

(What? I’m sure some men identify as waitresses. STOP GENDER STEREOTYPING. Anyway.)

Waitress: Ugh, I can’t stand all of these pregnant women I’m seeing on the street now.

Bartender: Yeah.

Waitress: They’re so smug and self-satisfied. Like, I was walking my bike along the sidewalk and this woman gave me a look like I was going to sideswipe her, like I should have crossed the street just so she could waddle by.

Bartender: Haha, right.

Waitress: And they’re always, like, fondling their stomachs in public. Stop touching your belly, it’s weird!

This woman had just taken my order and must have noticed that I was pregnant, but I don’t think she meant to offend me. I just think she was totally oblivious.

Don’t worry, this is not an angry post about how society attacks and vilifies pregnant women (because that’s not true). Nor is it a post about how, if you are walking your bike along a busy city street, then you might not have the firmest grasp on the basic concept of the bicycle (even though that is true).

I’d just like to explain some things to the non-pregnant among us that might make them reconsider their judgments.

About a year ago, a video went viral that showed two women who called themselves Garfunkel and Oates singing an original song they called “Pregnant Women Are Smug.” I thought it was funny, especially because at the time I was not pregnant. Sample lyrics include “You think you’re so deep now, you give me the creeps now,” and “This zen world you’re enjoying makes you really annoying.” It made me think of Gwyneth Paltrow, who I basically want to kick in the tits at all times.

As a disclaimer, I’d like to acknowledge that some pregnant women ARE smug. These women express their smugness in different ways, but the common denominator is that they make the non-pregnant feel like they’re missing out.  Moreover, they seem to enjoy lording their fertility over others. These are often, but not always, the same women who refuse to acknowledge that there is anything remotely unpleasant or draining about motherhood. I wish them the very best, in the most eyeroll-y way.

I know that I can’t speak for all pregnant women, but here are some so-called “smug” behaviors that, in my experience, are more than meets the eye:

• THE PREGNANCY GLOW Yeah, we’re glowing. You know why? We’re sweaty. The phrase “bun in the oven” is meant to be cute, but it is also literal.  As pregnancy progresses, the uterus morphs into an internal hot water bottle filled with a baby that feels like it’s made out of burning coals. In my case, a close inspection of the “glow” would reveal an impressive case of adult acne covered haphazardly by bronzer.

• THE BEATIFIC SMILE This is gas. We’re trying to distract you with our glow while we surreptitiously fart.

• THE PUBLIC BELLY TOUCHING I’m sure some women rub their bellies just because they can, or because they want to call attention to the fact that they are pregnant, possibly to get a seat on public transportation. But most women touch their bellies because there is something moving in there. Probably kicking us hard from the inside. Remember Alien? John Hurt touched his stomach, didn’t he? So stop fucking judging, asshole, and be glad your burrito doesn’t have knees.

• THE INCESSANT PREGNANCY TALK See above. If a person was inside your body, making you sweat and fart and playing Twister-like games with your organs, wouldn’t you want to tell someone? And trust me, the 911 operator does not care.

I hope that list helps. Oh, and one more thing—WE are jealous of YOU.

Yeah, you. You with your cinched waists and your cute 4-inch wedge espadrilles and your spicy tuna rolls and your ability to ride (or walk) bicycles, should you so choose. That blank, far-off stare you see? Sure, we might be meditating on which sitar songs to add to the mix CD for our upcoming water birth. We might also just be tired. But more than likely, we’re just jonesing for your margarita and trying to avoid direct eye contact lest we break down and beg.