Parent of the Year’s Guide To Screen Time (And Getting A Break)

Starting them young so they get their fifteen minutes of fame at fifteen by hacking into the school computer and getting arrested for it. Sniff, sniff. So proud.

Okay, I’m NOT actually parent of the year, though sometimes my son tells me I’m the “Best Mommy Ever.” On alternate days I’m also known as “The Worst Mother EVER” depending on how much screen time he’s allowed to have. The fun thing about having kids with autism is that they are often obsessed with screen time. Television, computers, DS thingies (I was just corrected, it’s a DSiXL, Mom), cell phones, the kiosk at the discount department store: as long as it has a screen, it’s an obsession.

Since my kids were babies, I have made a concerted effort to control screen time. Stop laughing, it’s true. We’ve done our best to set time limits. We make sure we see things before our kids view them. Since I majored in Special Education in college, I was all nerdy and proud of all the studies and articles I could quote about screen time and its impact on developing toddlers.

In other words, I was full of BS.

Actually having kids changes things dramatically.

You’ll do anything for a fifteen minute snooze on the couch.

HEY KIDS! PURPLE DINOSAUR! Even if purple dinosaur makes you stabby.

And, then, when you find out your kids are autistic and the so called “experts” are all, “Limit electronics usage, it’s better for them socially” but the early intervention people are all, “Let them watch the show with the large yellow bird and stuff because it helps with social development.” It gets a bit confusing, so that’s when you and your husband develop your own strategy through as system of trial and error (in other words, pulling it out of our arses).

For example, shows that feature small yellow sponge type creatures are out because they do things like fling themselves at people, crash on bicycles and tell one another to “shut up.” This is not a show you want your three year old autistic child to watch because it turns out your kids are little parrots and will fling themselves at people, crash into other kids on their bicycles and tell one another to “shut up.”

And Pokemon?  OH DEAR GAH IN HEAVEN, MAKE IT STOP. It’s a seizure waiting to happen with all the flashing lights which is bad for a kid who has a seizure disorder, right? Right.

Anything from the Evil Mouse Empire is out because stampeding animals and talking tea cups cause nightmares and then they’re  awake all night talking to their cars.

Seeing a mischievous monkey in the movie theater? Equatable to someone gouging your eyes out with a spoon. Just don’t do it. Trust me on this one. Ahem.

So what do my kids watch? Not cartoons. Cartoons are scary bad (to my kids), especially spotted blue dogs.

Be warned, though.  My screen standards make no sense. For example, anything involving Jedis? Perfectly fine.  I mean, it’s fake killing and it’s not like Obi Wan MEANT to cut Anakin’s arms off, throw him into lava and set him on fire, right?

My older son has a penchant for natural and other disasters, so, most often, you’ll find him watching, “The Crash of Flight 42″ or “Earthquakes  and Hurricanes and Tsunamis That Destroy Stuff.” Is that bizarre? Macabre?(I had to use that word, it sounds so grown up and stuff. Macabre. Macabre. See? Smooth and refined, like.) What, normal ten-year-olds don’t repeatedly watch shows on a loop that cover the science behind buildings falling or floods that wipe out entire states? My bad.

See? Purple Dinosaurs make kids sit PERFECTLY STILL. Told you so.

The younger one pretty much watches the Weather Channel. Hey, that music is catchy! And the green radar? Goes right..to left, right…to left. Very soothing. Sometimes it changes and it’s cloud cover! There’s fake lightning and rain drop noise! I can get dinner cooked while he stares at it and claps his hands, mmkay?  The best use of screen time, though, happens when I turn on the music visualizer or screen saver on the computer. I could paint the walls and rearrange the furniture. Several times. He does not move.

DUH! WINNING!

Isn’t that what parenting is all about? Your kids being so engrossed in something they don’t move for hours? Time for a Mommy Cocktail!

(Note: I do not condone drinking around kids. This is called humor. Or drollery. You should try it. Just sayin’.)