I was in San Diego last night for a conference and I found a shockingly large number of opportunities to make an ass of myself.
And by ass I mean asshole. The difference between an ass and an asshole is that an ass is like “Oops! That’s probably embarrassing for you, but we still love you!” and an asshole is like “Wow, jerk. I’m unfollowing you on Twitter.”
I’m pretty sure I’m the only person at BlogHer who left with fewer friends and followers than she came with.
Asshole Exhibit A:
I have been looking forward to spending time with Vikki from Up Popped a Fox for months. She is one of my favoritest people on the entire Internet. Early in the week, Vikki and I had a very brief chance to chat, just long enough for her to tell me about a couple of writers she had a huge amount of respect for.
Approximately 24 hours later, I spotted Vikki at a party. I made a mad dash towards her salt and pepper head. Because she is gracious, she stopped her conversation and immediately introduced me to the people she’d been talking to: the couple of writers for whom she has a huge amount of respect. These writers, like everyone else who was standing in the small circle of chatting people, happen to be lesbians who do a shit ton of work in the “queer community”. So naturally, the first thing I do is pop my hand on my hip, turn to to the group and say:
“Do y’know what my problem with lesbians is?”
It doesn’t even matter what I said next. I could have said “There aren’t near enough of you! YAY!”, and my very first impression still would have been that of asshole. I need to never be allowed into parties.
Asshole Exhibit B:
After years of submitting and bribing top officials, I was chosen to read a blog post I’d written at the Community Keynote event on Friday night. This is, for me, a very big honor and something I was stoked about. Grateful for. Genuinely and truly tickled pink to be a part of.
And yet, when I stepped to the podium after being introduced by, the very first thing I said upon surveying the crowd was:
“Wow. I thought there’d be more of you.”
Asshole.
You guys, I don’t even know where this stuff comes from. It just falls out of my mouth without so much as a cursory drop-in at my brain. It’s tragic, really, because I really am not an asshole. An ass, maybe, but not asshole! I just, apparently, play one in large crowds.
*sigh*
You’ll still be my friend though, right?
By the way, you have something in your teeth.
About Britt Reints
Fortunately, this is the one of things I love most about you. Because you can totally get away with it.
P.S. – Heard you killed it the other night. I knew you would. Brava.
Twitter Name: msmegan
It was just two things you did really…..although the lesbian opening question was great. Too bad I wasn’t there to witness it, I would have enjoyed it greatly!
Telling someone they have something in their teeth is a favor to them. Right?? Or have I been an asshole my whole life?
Twitter Name: Im_Wendy
I’m sure if you count up all the things that actually came out of your mounth, only 1% could be considered assholish. It’s all about perspective my dear. Sooooo, what IS the problem with lesbians?
I know right? I mean you really can’t leave that question unanswered *g*
Twitter Name: therealneeroc
I was there for your VOTY and I did not take that at all badly. It was a huge room and I can imagine inflating the numbers in my head if I was nervous and then walking out and thinking, “well this isn’t that bad.” Which is the way I took it even if you didn’t mean it that way.
The first one… I don’t know about that. You’re on your own. {takes one step slowly back.} :)
You know why you’re NOT an asshole? Because you didn’t do these things on purpose. I would have done both those things on purpose because that’s my sense of humor–to make ambiguously prejorative jokes in mixed company, where the half of the mixed company that knows me knows I’m just fucking around, and the other half that’s never met me, and doesn’t know I’m just joking thinks I’m an asshole–It sounds like you had fun! I wish I could have been there. Maybe I would have tried to out-asshole you!
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
LOL…well, if it makes you feel any better I didn’t even notice that you said that at the keynote, and I’m sure many others didn’t either. And when I crashed your lunch table (not even connecting that I knew who you were), you were perfectly pleasant and welcoming in every way. So there’s that.
You know who are much bigger assholes? Your “friends” who didn’t even make it to the keynote. Er…sorry about that.
Twitter Name: betadad
How did I miss this post?! Anyway…I don’t think you are an ass or an asshole. I even laughed (at the time and many times after). What I cannot tolerate, however, is the fact that you didn’t mention what you said after “You know my problem with lesbians is?” because that was some priceless party banter. I am so disappointed in you ;)
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
That’s really not *that* bad.
Would you like some perspective?
I once made a joke, comparing my stomach to that of an Auschwitz oven bc it ejected my part-Jewish baby six week early.
In re-telling this story to someone a few years later, me and my part-Jewish husband laughed and laughed. Other person? Not so much. Turns out, his grandfather died in a concentration camp.
So yeah.
That’s the first (and worst) example to pop into my head but uh….have you met me?! C’mon now!
Twitter Name: s_CSR