Hey, David Hasselhoff & Donnie Osmond? You’re My Obsession

August 23, 2011
by • 26 Comments

Eau de Pommes de Terre

Most people have obsessions. C’mon, own up to it! I know there is SOMETHING you are obsessed with. It doesn’t mean you have OCD (yes, you do) so ‘fess up! There has to be SOMETHING you think about, dream about, talk about more than anything.

I have many obsessions. And yes, OCD runs in my family. Like, having to wash myself in the same order every day, washing my hair clockwise (shut up).

And having to eat my dinner in the same order: starch, then veggie, then meat/protein. What? Casserole? HUSH YOUR DIRTY MOUTH.

My biggest obsession (besides food) is potatoes. It’s pretty much the only thing I enjoy eating and the one thing I make sure I get a bite of each day. Once I went two whole days without a potato product of some kind. I KNOW, RIGHT? That’s just unacceptable. Potatoes are probably the thing I think about the most.

Except, of course, for has-been actors and singers.

The Donny. C'mon. You know those eyes are calling your name.

Yup. I’m stricken with a fever and the only prescription is more Donny Osmond.

Or more David Hasselhoff.

Or David Cassidy…mmmm…yummy.

Oh!  WAIT! Barry! I love me some Barry Manilow. I cannnnn’t smile without yoooooou. *swoon* Then there were the Hardy Boys. Shaun Cassidy and Parker Stevenson? So delicious. And I had a really big crush on Gopher on the Love Boat for a while. And Dean Butler (Almanzo Wilder on Little House on the Prairie)? ME-OWWW!

I know you’re thinking, “Donny Osmond? WHISKEY, TANGO, FOXTROT?” But yes, I’m serious. Seriously, he’s seriously hot, yo. And a little bit Rock-N-Roll (get it? A little bit country and a little bit rock-n-roll? GUFFAW!).

He’s got tons of brothers, too, though he’s the one with the best genes. And looks best in jeans. Ahem. Not that I’m looking. I’m gonna marry him someday, though that might be a problem since he’s married already and so am I am stuff. But he still ranks high on my list. Besides, he was in a Weird Al video. It doesn’t get much sexier than that.

Meow. Or is it Arf Arf? Either way: Don't hassle the Hoff.

David Hasselhoff in his Knight Rider days?

Smoking Hot. Hot Lava, even. He was all brooding and doing dangerous stuff like diving across the car hood with his leather jacket open and his chest hair peeking out from his collar…jumping in the car window in those tight black jeans and boots…I am getting hot just thinking about it. I’d like to preserve him forever in my mind like that. The beginning of Baywatch Hoff was nice, too, but not as nice as Knight Rider Hoff. And drunken-internet-video-while-eating-a-cheeseburger-Hoff? Let’s just say a little part of me died that day, y’all. Sniff, sniff.

If he has chest hair, layered and winged head-hair in the shape of a mullet and is posing with kitties or puppies in Tiger Beat? I must have him. Pretty sure I did have him. Or at least I had a poster of him taped to my wall as a teenager. And if they had a chin cleft, a la John Travolta in Grease? Yes, I kissed their posters  good night. Now stop laughing at me. I mean, it’s not like I put on a 45 of Careless Whisper and practiced slow dancing and kissing a pillow with his picture taped to it or anything.

Ok, fine, I TOTALLY DID.

Filed Under: Popping Your Culture Tagged With: , , , , , ,
About Marj Hatzell

Marj Hatzell isn’t a writer but she plays one on TV. She’s a Domestic Engineer, Total Babe, and SAHM of two boys with Autism, ADHD and a variety of other acronyms. Marj was picked last for dodge ball in grade school, was a band geek (she played the flute, and one time, at band camp…), and prefers dogs to people, which means she has STELLAR social skills. Marj goes to eleven. You can find her at her non-paying day job, the wildly unsuccessful blog The Domestic Goddess, on Twitter, and on Facebook. She also has a not-so-new and definitely-not-successful blog at The Crazy Dog Lady and Facebook page no one visits.

Comments

  1. As Cape Cod Turns says:
    August 23, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    OMG, I think we are twins separated at birth! OCD and all those hot guys of the 70s/80s…. I swoon in your general direction!

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  2. Laura says:
    August 23, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Okay, I’ll give you potatoes, Travolta and Knight Rider Hoff, but Donnie Osmond?!

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  3. Lisa.Fontanez@gmail.com says:
    August 23, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    sigh…we share the same loves.
    Except – I was also partial to Albert. Something about that episode when he had that drug addiction…total Rock Star. I have no idea why that’s the episode I always remember.

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  4. Kay Lynn says:
    August 23, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    I was totally going to marry David Cassidy. Who knows what happened to that plan. Love the post!

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    • marj says:
      August 23, 2011 at 9:44 pm

      You are mistaken. I WAS GOING TO MARRY DAVID CASSIDY. And Shaun. At the same time.

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      • Amy says:
        August 23, 2011 at 9:49 pm

        Sorry Shaun was MINE! At 13 I dreamed about going to LA,(how? I lived in Canada and I sincerely doubt Ma and Pa would put me on a plane) when I turned 16, wearing a blue dress (his fave color) falling in front of him and having him swoop me up in his (scrawny) arms, looking deep into my eyes and falling deeply in love…

        Hasselhoff? Blech! A pass to Donny as he was kinda cute when I was 10 :)

        Reply
  5. Amy says:
    August 23, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    He has just NEVER done it for me. I bet his back is like a brown mohair sweater!! Sorry, hassling the Hoff ;)

    Reply
  6. Kathie says:
    August 24, 2011 at 12:02 am

    May I please add one more golden-haired, cleft-chinned ’70s Tiger Beat regular, Lance Kerwin? Why we are not watching “James at 49″ is beyond me.

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  7. Becki says:
    August 24, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Why do people continue to call it OCD? It’s CDO- in alphabetical order like it should be.(You’ll thank me later.)

    Also, you seemed to have forgotten Randolph Mantooth. Sexy and with THE best name ever.

    Potatoes with bacon and lots of cheese…never can resist.

    Reply
  8. choosy says:
    August 24, 2011 at 8:44 am

    I had a picture of Tom Selleck on my wall during the Magnum PI era, when I was a tween. LOVED him and still love him. I can get behind Donnie too but the Hoff and I will never be intimate.
    never.
    More for you to love.

    Reply
  9. Megan says:
    August 24, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    I’m right there with you on Donny and Shaun Cassidy, but you’re on your own with the Hoff.

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  10. Amy says:
    August 25, 2011 at 1:46 am

    We are forgetting Leif Garrett :)

    Reply

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