it's important to keep your drawers clean
Now that I am the father of two two and a half year olds, I consider myself an incontrovertible expert in child behavior (just as someone who has read the first few chapters of, say, Moby Dick, is an expert in English literature). Given my expert status, then, I feel it is my duty to give unsolicited advice about my area of expertise.
Toward that end, I have prepared a few simple rules that address common toddler issues. Please share these rules with your children. Go ahead and print them out and magnet them to the refrigerator, or silkscreen them on to t-shirts. Whatever works for you and your children. I think you will find that if you can follow these basic rules your children will be much happier, and you will have a much stronger relationship with them.
Since the rules are meant to help children, the language is written in a way the addresses them directly. It makes them feel appreciated.
1. Don’t Fall on Hard Surfaces
When you are planning on falling down or feel you are about to trip, please rush to an appropriate surface like grass, carpet or sand and fall there. It will be better for you and for those that have to take care of you. Falling down on concrete, asphalt or hardwood floors increases your chances of injury and the likelihood that you will cry uncontrollably. No one likes blood, head injuries, emergency rooms or crying. Especially crying (the others can be tolerated somewhat).
concrete will rip your knees to shreds and give you a concussion / grass is soft and inviting, and you can smoke it
photo credit: coun2rparts/darksidex/Flickr
2. Don’t Put Your Balls in Your Mouth
I know it’s tempting, but no matter how delectable your balls look, never be tempted to put them in your mouth. You could easily choke, be left with a bad taste, or perhaps even like it and want to do it again. You are not a baby anymore, and you are a not a dog. You no longer need a chew toy. If you really want something to chew on, perhaps a piece of beef jerky can be arranged.
top left: too big / top right: too small / bottom left: too squishy / bottom right: too hairy
Photo credit: quinnanya/Flickr (bottom right)
3. Don’t Shit in Your Underwear
While the wonderful sensation of having a pile of refried beans smeared around between your butt cheeks and thighs feels the same in both diapers and underwear, the two items are, contrary to popular belief, different. A diaper can be thrown away and your underwear has a picture of Diego on it. How would you feel if you were Diego and you had to eat a big old shit burger every day? Not so good, I imagine. Be kind to Diego and maybe you’ll get a baby jaguar for a pet too.
these two items do not go together
Photo credit: orinoko42/Flickr (underwear)
4. Don’t Cry Over Stupid Things
It’s just a toy. If you left it in the house or if your brother wants to play with it, it’ll be okay. Let it go. Let. It. Go! I said LET IT FUCKING GO!!!!! It’s also not a big deal if we go to Frog Park instead of Willard Park or Dracena Park or Lake Temescal Park or any other park. They all have a slide and swings and sand and you can’t tell the difference. It also doesn’t matter if you get into the car first or if your brother gets into the car first. And the camawope tastes the same if your mom cuts it or if your dad cuts it. Crying gets you nowhere and it makes you look like a fool. Especially when your parents are ignoring you while you flop around on the floor in the produce section of the grocery store.
the first pic is NOT worth the second
Photo credit: breibeest/Flickr
Chances are your kids have broken some (if not all) of these rules at some point in their young lives. It is time to start enforcing them more assertively if you want to ensure that your kids lead a trouble free and successful life. Take it from me, your resident toddler expert.
And one last bit of advi–oh, never mind, gotta go, my son just fell on the patio trying to find the bouncy ball to put in his mouth. . . and he’s crying uncontrollably because he can’t reach it under the deck, and there’s a dark brown substance oozing out of his pant leg. . .
About Jared Karol
In fact, I’m having t-shirts made up as Christmas gifts for all of my friends with toddlers. Thank-you! I don’t have a toddler (have been there, have the grey hair to prove it). I am now firmly ensconced in Preschoolerville. That’s a whole new ball of poo.
Twitter Name: SJM_CookiesMom
Glad to know you’re making t-shirts. Maybe I’ll buy one from you. . . My toddlers are starting preschool next month–I’m looking forward (or not!) to rolling that ball of poo around in my hands.
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Too true, my good sir, too true!
Twitter Name: therealjenmosby
Thanks, Jennifer. I guess I’m not the only one who is experiencing these things. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Excellent!
Thanks, Carole.
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
as a fellow dad of multiples, i especially appreciate the tip about not fretting over who gets into the car first!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
enough to drive you crazy, isn’t it (as if there weren’t enough OTHER things to drive you crazy)? I guess I’m lucky with only two kids to argue about it. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
What about fighting over who gets to hold the bag when sharing chips? Or who gets to sit next to the faucet in the bath tub? Or who gets to sit on the left (or right) side of the giant cart at Target that has the seats in front of it?
Twitter Name: Izzymom
yes, those are all valid points–along with who gets to bet put to bed by Mommy, who gets to decide whether they watch Dora or Diego first, who gets to dump who’s pee from the potty into the toilet, etc, etc. . .– but I didn’t want to make the post 35,000 words long. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
it doesn’t even matter if they are multiples – they can be 1 or 2 or 3 years apart and still….there is something about who put the cart back at Target today and who GOT IN THE CAR FIRST. Who cares? Get in and buckle up so I can get the frig home and start the dinner that neither of you will eat anyway….Thanks for the post. It’s much funnier when you know you’re not the only one. And your kids are in bed for the night.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Yes, misery does love company, for sure. I know, though, why do they care so much about those things? Why can’t they be more sophisticated like adults are and care about who wins football games and who gets a rose on The Bachelor. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
If I can drill #3 into my toddlers head, I will feel like I have accomplished something in life. Really, that’s all I want for Christmas!
I know, wouldn’t that just be a fabulous Christmas gift–> Shit-free underwear! But, as my friend who has two older kids, out of diapers (and not shitting in their underwear), “they’re not going to shit in their pants forever”, although it sure as hell feels like it some days!
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Your site is pretty interesting to me and your subject matter is very relevant. I was browsing around and came across something you might find interesting. I was guilty of 3 of them with my sites. “99% of website owners are doing these five mistakes”. http://tinyurl.com/d8r7ejo You will be suprised how fast they are to fix.