Caroline and me with Grand Finale on his birthday.
So wow. Here we are. At the very beginning of my first ever post for Aiming Low.
I suppose a brief introduction is in order. My name is John Cave Osborne, but the Aiming Low crew has decided to call me Nutsack Rogers. More on that in a bit. For now, all you really need to know is that when it comes to parenthood, I was baptized by fire, going from carefree bachelor to the father of four in just 13 months thanks to marrying a single mom then quickly conceiving triplets.
Then just a few weeks ago, Caroline gave birth to our fifth child (surprise!), a little boy we named Grand Finale Osborne. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s a nine-year-old stepdaughter, toddler triplets, a three-week old infant and a renewed if not profound appreciation for my therapist.
Don’t get me wrong. Caroline and I love Grand Finale to bits and are incredibly thankful for his arrival for any number of reasons. Even though we know things are gonna be choppy for a bit, we also know that our crew will eventually adjust beautifully, thanks in part to the support of our incredible network of family and friends. For example, one of Caroline’s buddies orchestrated this entire food deal on some website where a bunch of folks have signed up to bring us dinner. And what a help that’s been — we haven’t cooked in weeks! We opted against a baby shower, but that hasn’t stopped many from bringing over various and sundry gifts for the baby.
One of those gifts came in a peculiar baby gift bag that caught my eye last night as I sat down at the kitchen table to write this post. So peculiar that I decided to consult my wife about it.
“Um, honey, who gave us this?” I asked, holding said bag in my hands.
“Mrs. Coleman. Wasn’t that sweet of her?”
“Yeah. What the hell is it?”
“A blanket that she knitted herself.”
“No, no, I can see that. But what the hell’s this thing it came in?”
“Um, a baby gift bag,” my wife answered in puzzled tone.
“Like a novelty baby gift bag or something?”
“No. What makes you think it’s a novelty baby gift bag?”
“Oh, I dunno, because there’s a bunch of little ding dongs on it, maybe? This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” I said as I gave the bag a once over. “Wait! This might be an interesting topic for my first post on Aiming Low. I’ll call it The Baby Gift Bag That Had Little Ding Dongs on It.”
“Aiming Low. Aren’t those the people who call you Scrotum McGillicutty?”
“Nutsack Rogers, honey. Nutsack Rogers.”
“Why do they call you that again?”
“Because they think that John Cave Osborne sounds pretentious.”
“Hmm. They’ve got a point. In any event, I think all this nutsack business has impaired your vision. Because those aren’t ding dongs.”
“Well, duh. That’s why I asked whether or not it was a novelty baby gift bag. Because no one would decorate a real baby gift bag with a bunch of little ding dongs. I guess they’re supposed to be rockets. Or maybe cockets,” I concluded with a chuckle.
Silence enveloped us as my incredulous wife looked at me with disgust which caused me to inspect the bag once again to make certain that I wasn’t off base with my assessment. And I wasn’t, something to which I can attest with a certain sureness — dare I even say a certain cocksureness.
I mean, check it out for yourself.
The bear’s got one. So does the sheep. The bunny looks like he’s bouncing on his. And it’s blue. Ouch. Hell, the chick’s even got one. A rocket that strongly resembles a ding dong, that is.
“Honey,” my wife began, “I love you and all.”
“But?”
“But you’re a dumbass. And those aren’t rockets. Or cockets, as you so cleverly coined. They’re diaper pins.”
“Diaper pins? What, for the new Ron Jeremy line of Huggies or something? Hey, that’s good. I could put that in the post.”
Caroline rolled her eyes. “This is almost as disturbing as the two-week Amy Winehouse bender you’ve been on.”
“Whoa. Uncool. Amy Winehouse was a musical genius. Self destruction was her muse, you know.”
“Who’s your muse, honey? Wait. Lemme guess. Ron Jeremy? Look, ordinarily, I’d be happy to sit here and argue with you about whether or not there are, in fact, rockets that resemble little ding dongs on the baby gift bag, but it’s almost time for Grand Finale’s next feed, so let’s just cut to the chase, okay? Those are diaper pins. Period.”
She had a point. We had bigger fish to fry. Besides, once she told me what they were, I could see it. They did sorta look like diaper pins.
Which, when you think about it, means that ol’ Nutsack Rogers over here doesn’t know dick.
Get your mind outta the gutter, folks. Just a man carrying a diaper pin. With no hands. On his thigh.
About John Cave Osborne
LMAO! Great post! Welcome, Nutsack!!
Twitter Name: SeekingOrion
thanks, cort. glad you enjoyed!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
This is totally a “guy” thing because I totally saw Safety Pins, for Cloth Diapers.There’s a reason you have Triplets… and uh now 5 kids. Don’t let it all go to your head. (other head!)
are you saying that i have 5 kids because when i look at that particular baby gift bag i see little ding dongs on it? and, if so, does that mean i can blow off my vasectomy if i can somehow train myself to not see little ding dongs on that particular gift bag? thanks for the comment!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
It’s a guy thing I’m sure of it. I can totally see my hubbie seeing exactly the same thing. As for the surgery? whatever makes you happy. Seems maybe that surgery has you over thinking this? Maybe it’s the surgery that has your mind cluttered with dingdong doodles?
uh oh. i think you’re right. i must have ding dong on the brain.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Yeah, I saw safety pins too. Until you pointed out the alternative. Now I can’t see anything else. Nicely done.
Twitter Name: seewhatyoumeme
once you see it the other way, it just, um, sticks out, don’t you think? thanks for the comment, rachel.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I didn’t think anyone lived deeper in the gutter than I do…. But you managed to take it to an entirely new level. Great job Nutsack.
Twitter Name: cjaxon
well, cjaxon, what can i say? i truly thought they were rockets. and i truly thought those rockets looked like cock-ets. could be, as my wife suggested, the whole Nutsack business.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
What about those of us (or maybe just me?) who, upon reading the title of this post, thought not of male anatomy, but of tasty chocolate treats by Hostess? Mmmm … fake whipped cream.
i’m a sucker for a twinkee, myself.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
And while we’re on Hostess…Ding Dongs are round, but nonetheless, cream filled. Hostess so missed the mark on that product.
Great post, NRO =)
Twitter Name: JulTweets
I did have that on my mind too. I used to work in a bakery store and sell those.
What’s a diaper pin, and how does one see them in those dirty pictures of animals with oversized dicks?
Twitter Name: themuskrat
that’s exactly what I was gonna say! You beat me to it! Great post, John. . . I don’t think your name is pretentious at all. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
thanks Jared. i don’t think your name is pretentious at all either.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
thank you! that’s what i’m talkin’ about.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
That’s a real nice pic of you guys. Y’all look good.
yeah, particularly of C. she looked movie-star gorgeous right after giving birth.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Diaper Pins. Definitely diaper pins. I might be unimaginative, but I really didn’t see ding dongs or rockets or anything else. BTW, I like your own name rather than Nutsack Rogers. Is that a guy thing like ding dong diaper pins?
Twitter Name: SurprisedMom
i kinda like ol’ JCO over Nutsack myself. and, actually, a (very clever and funny) woman started it. and i just kinda picked it up and ran with it. don’t worry. not planning on making it my pen name! thanks for reading!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
LOL….Nutsack Rogers. I too was thinking of Hostess Ding-Dongs, the little round chocolate cakes with cream filling that used to be wrapped in aluminum foil. I was picturing a gift bag with those all over it – couldn’t get it.
I think I prefer Scrotum McGillicutty.
Great post! We need to get over there and meet GF! Hope you are all doing well!
thanks, claire! and c’mon over anytime. just remember to bring us some sleep, okay? hope you and your crew are doing well. was hoping to see you more this summer than we did…
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Hilarious! Keep up the good writing.
thank you, Theresa! hope you come back and check on us again, soon.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
I don’t think your name is pretentious at all (I have a three part name as well). Now if it was J. Cave Osborne, pure douchebag. Nutsack Rogers however is pure gold, and you should consider using it professionally.
Oh, and thanks for making it so that I will see a penis every time I see a goddamn diaper pin.
the context in which Nutsack was busted out on me was pure gold as well. it was so funny that i just had to run with it. maybe i should make it my pen name after all! (and thanks for the vote of confidence on my real name…)
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
What a perfect lil story to add to Grand finally’s baby book!I love it….:)
hey, i’m glad you thought of that. can’t wait to suggest that to my wife. thanks!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Nice first post, nutsack. I can hardly wait for more. “Ding Dong?”, REALLY? Who says that? When I read the title, I was expecting something about miniature Hostess cakes, with creamy filling, covered in delicious fake chocolate… Thanks for ruining my fun, douchebag. (Um, just kidding. You’re funny!)
Melanie — you know who says ding dong? some dip shit dental hygienist i dated in my 20s. and the saying kinda stuck w/ me. because it’s just so lame. so i decided to use it.
plus The Baby Gift Bag With Little Cocks on It sounded a touch too, i dunno, invasive or something.
PS — excellent use of the word douchebag.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Now that you mention it, in my 20′s I dated a dipshit who referred to it as his “dong”. Repulsive. Glad you appreciated my appropriate use of the word “douchebag”. I’m holding off on the use of “douche-canoe” for now…. By the way, don’t stop writing! Everyone seems to love your work.
I can totally see how you thought those were little penis’. Just glad to know I’m not the only one walking around saying “I see ding dongs”
Twitter Name: izzymom
i love how much play ding dongs are getting. thanks for reading!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Oh. My. Goodness. Tears. Streaming.
ROFLOL!
Twitter Name: MommaKnows
Dawn — my bestie! we’re twins now thanks to Grand Finale b/c i, too, have 5 kids and a dog! thanks for reading!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
LoL!!
Love it. And a girl that lets her nutsack run around on the innernet.
Good times!
my girl does, indeed, do just that. good times, for sure. glad this gave you a chuckle!
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
See, and here I figured you meant Hostess Ding Dongs (until I saw the pictures, and then quite instantly I knew they were safety pins), and I thought it was the greatest gift ever. Mmmmmmmm. Ding dongs (the Hostess ones).
I have a baby shower to attend next week for a VERY unique person…I NEED THAT BAG!
BTW…I just ate a Hostess Ding Dong and it was Incredible!
Actually I was trying to figure out why the animals had huge diaper pins up their bums. Why is no one talking about that? Ding dongs there would actually make more sense!