Like everyone else I know, I’m still trying to rid myself of the 10 20 okay, 30 extra pounds of baby weight
that remains glued firmly to my butt and thighs, jiggling merrily while I run around after my kidlets. I’m not overly thrilled by this situation, and rather than merely threaten the cellulite dimpling my skin as I’ve done in the past (if you don’t leave, I’m going to THINK about getting lipo!), I’m actually doing something about it.
Yes, that’s right, I’m on a diet.
One of the first things that had to go when I began The Diet were my fancy-pants coffee syrups. Empty calories are empty calories, so I sadly dumped Raspberry Syrup down the drain, mourning it’s delicious flavor, as I guzzled my now-boring coffee.
It was when I grabbed the Vanilla Syrup that I had a brilliant idea! I could use vanilla extract instead! Same flavor, no calories!
For weeks, I was fine, if not a little tired after my morning coffee, which was somewhat perplexing. I briefly wondered if I’d mistakenly bought decaf, but no, the package said “REGULAR.”
Several weeks later, my beloved vanilla extract was crustily sealed shut and no amount strong arming – or threatening – could get the cap off. So I turned to the next best thing: ALMOND extract.
Happily, I poured some into my cup and sat down at the computer to do my morning writing (read: sitting and looking at videos of cats playing the piano). Occasionally, I’d take a swig and the taste of almonds would make me wonder if I’d been poisoned by arsenic, which was a sure sign I’d read Flowers in the Attic too many times. The cat videos seemed extra-hilarious that day, but then again, CATS playing the PIANO, what’s not to love?
The following day and the day after that, I added the almond extract, felt a little silly as I drank it, and then loopily went about my morning.
It wasn’t for a week or two that I noticed something odd: underneath that almond flavor was kind of a…bite. Almost an alcohol-ish bite. Hm, I said to myself, now THAT is odd. Then I went back to singing The Hamster Dance and promptly forgot about it.
The following day, I stumbled into the kitchen and blearily did what I should have done in the first place: I read the label.
And there it was, clear as day:
ALMOND EXTRACT.
35% ALCOHOL.
KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Whoops!
Turns out that in my quest for delicious coffee flavoring alternatives, I’d been getting myself inadvertently loaded for weeks. (Sidebar: I have a shockingly low tolerance for someone who blogs under Mommy Wants Vodka). Which explained the hilarity of the cat videos, the bruises peppering my legs AND the massive afternoon headaches.
It’s really a shame they don’t make a pill to guard against stupidity.
I’d be the first in line.
If I could find the line, that is.
About Aunt Becky
Holy crapola! I’d have never looked at the label.
I’d be one drunk lil monkey!
Twitter Name: Janie Snelson
Bwahahahaha. I’m pretty much the dummbest person ever.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
I would have NEVER thought it was 35% alcohol! Hilarious. Eh, a good buzz to start off your day can’t be THAT bad. ;)
Twitter Name: nystoopmama
The dancing cactus videos WERE a lot funnier.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Awesome! Liqueur coffee for breakfast makes you a rockstar!
Twitter Name: mummyinprovence
That DOES kinda make me hardcore, huh?
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Family Ties taught me the danger of Extracts!! Lol, it was an episode dealing with alcoholism and I think it was the uncle, who pounded down 5 bottles of extract like it was a raging kegger. That’s when the family knew there was a problem.
Twitter Name: LRJD
I totally remembered that AFTER I’d been drunk. Wasn’t that Uncle Tom Hanks?
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
This was an awesome read. :) It reminds me so much of something that I would do on accident.
Twitter Name: 31_Amber_31
Thank the Good Lord of Butter I’m not alone.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Try explaining that to the police officer when you get pulled over after dropping the kids off at school. “But officer, it’s only coffee!”
Twitter Name: serial_writer
*slur, slur*
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Oops. I don’t even get that loaded when I deliberately put booze in my coffee (I see you over there, Bailey’s and Jameson’s!). I’m impressed. And when it comes to booze, you know it takes A LOT to impress me!
Apparently, I have the alcohol tolerance of a small gerbil.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Aunt Becky,
Yeah, I got me those extra 30lbs. too. It’s such a drag. Luckily, I don’t like Vanilla and I stay away from anything that has the word extract in it…it’s just a nasty word, no? Love your style and perspective as always.
Your fan, Aunt-less Nancy (sadly,no nieces or nephews!)
I’d never considered extract to be gross before. Now? I see things in a new light.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Good to know in case I run out of Bailey’s Irish Cream or whiskey
I like to be helpful, you know?
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
35% alcohol? Holy balls! I had no idea. Also, super nice to finally meet your awesomeness at the Aiming Low party :)
Twitter Name: izzymom
Dude, right?
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
I really enjoyed your post…when it was on the Curvy Girl Guide. Genuinely funny, even recycled.
Thank you! I rewrote it for here. Because obviously.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
35% Holy Comoly — Red Wine only has 12% alcohol. You were a toasted little bugger weren’t you! I will be reading my labels more often.
Twitter Name: sammielovesthis
Or…perhaps NOT.
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Excellent use of flavourings :) (scribbles down notes for Weekend)
Dear Lord. I’ve just looked at the Vodka bottle label and it says 40% alcohol. No more Vodka ‘flavoured’ coffee for me in the mornings. Thank you for the timely warning you Angel, you. ;)
Twitter Name: hermelness
Good thing you weren’t joy-riding the kids to school!
Color me warned!
Twitter Name: sendchocolate
Bwahahahahaha. No, “LET’S PLAY YOU DRIVE THE CAR, KIDS!” for you!
Twitter Name: mommywantsvodka
Yep, that confirms it – You’re definitely the most hilarious person in the history of the universe. (Could you switch to Baileys? Or Amaretto? Or Kahlua?! Because they taste awesome in coffee.)
We did this in junior high home ec by accident making vanilla flavored milkshakes. So good. :)
Twitter Name: carrien_laughs
love it! coining the market on the accidental buzz. that’s big time.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne