What’s That Thingy Hanging Between Your Legs, Daddy?

 

Y’all, my baby is talking! Okay, she’s 2 and a half and sleeps through the night so technically she’s not a “baby” anymore but whatevs.

She’s speaking in complete sentences! Okay, her “sentences” usually consist of two to six words but whatevs.

The words she uses are prolly super advanced! Which is so good especially since she has a mother who says things like “prolly” and a father that frequently uses the term “pecker slap” in everyday conversations.

She’s in that stage where she is pointing at objects and saying, “Whuzzat?” over and over again. (Translation: “What’s that?”)

It goes something like this: ”Whuzzat, mommy?” “That’s an airplane.” “Oh, wight. Airpane.”

Most of the time I can understand what she’s saying but that’s because I am around her all day long. I have to translate  most of her jibberish for other people she attempts to talk to. For example…

“Yuh yekkim” = You’re welcome.

“Oh, sank yew” = Thank you.

“Skewskeee!” = Excuse me. (She’s nothing if not polite).

“Dah-yee” = Daddy.

“Yemens!” = Lemons. (Does that make her a racist?)

“Buhjynee” = Vagina (We use proper terminology in this house. Well, we encourage HER to use proper terminology. Zack and I say dick and cooter like normal adults).

Speaking of dicks, the other day Ruby casually sauntered into the bathroom just as Zack was exiting the shower. She curiously looked up, pointed at his wang and exclaimed, “Ooo Dah-yee! Whuzzaaat?!”

Zack just stood there in shock. So all that came out of his mouth was, “uhhhhh, umm.”

And without missing a beat she declared, “It’s a baby!” And then she asked, “Whuzz it doin’?”

I was not present during this momentous exchange, mind you. If I had been, I bet I would’ve cackled so loud the donkeys across the street would’ve started hee-hawing like they do when they hear an ambulance go by.

From what I gather, he gently ushered her out of the door in order to avoid having to talk about his junk. He didn’t want to teach her the word penis yet. Mostly because she hasn’t learned the meaning of the word discretion.

As soon as he told me what happened, I wanted to start telling people because that’s what I do… I share. Sharing is caring.

I am writing this post right now with his permission to spread it around to a ja-billion people on the internets because it implies that his manhood is the size of a baby.

For the record, I have no complaints about the size of his “baby.”

I like it.

I like it a lot.

About Robin Plemmons

Robin Plemmons is an artist. She makes greeting cards in her own funky handwriting that say things like, "Congratulations on making a human with your genitals!" & "I hope you washed your crotch because I'm about to put my face in it." You can find them in her Etsy Shop. She blogs at ballstothewallyall.com & tweets like a horny hyena. Follow her if you like that kind of thing: @robinplemmons.

Comments

  1. Kelly says:

    Okay..I get that you have a toddler at home and I get that you guys need to take showers. BUT I find this post disturbing. NONE of my kids (at that age or any age for that matter) are allowed in the bathroom (or our bedroom for that matter) without KNOCKING FIRST!!! Yes, you CAN teach a 2-3 year old how to knock on the door, if it’s closed. Trust me…I did it 3 times!!

    Also, couldn’t he have taken a shower either before or after you got back?? that is, if you left the house in the first place..

    I know you meant this post to be funny, but to me. It’s not. It’s disturbing.

    • Cassie says:

      It’s a 2 year old, she’ll forget it all by the time she’s 4 (if she hasn’t already forgotten it). Many parents take showers with their kids, so the fact the child sauntered in doesn’t seem like that big of a deal…

      Just enjoy the darndest things kids say and let parents raise their children however they wish.

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    • Hi Kelly! Thanks for commenting!

      I feel you. I don’t think it’s necessarily a good thing as parents to be openly & intentionally displaying & exposing our naked bodies to our kids. They don’t really need those images in their heads especially since they may relate them to their own sexuality later on in life- which can be disturbing, I agree. For the record, I was in the house just not in the bathroom. I think it sounds like he just stood there and laughed but in reality, he covered himself up with his towel & lead her out the door. The laughs came later. Because she thought it was a BABY.

      On the other hand, I don’t want her to get the feeling that we should be embarrassed by our own bodies- which is why we didn’t & haven’t made a big deal about it.

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    • britni says:

      What is it that you find disturbing about this post, Kelly? Is it the nakedness? Does nakedness make you uncomfortable? Because if it does, maybe you should take a moment to assess your views on your own body before judging the way other people are raising their children. Specifically, the way other people are raising their children to NOT have hangups about nakedness.
      Because, um, hello, we’re all naked under our clothes.
      Just sayin.

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      • Maybe the reaction comes from a place of pain & not condescension. I don’t know if that’s the case or not. That’s not my business at all. But it’s an understandable one.

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      • Kelly says:

        Alright now…You really don’t need to be like this.

        I have NO issues with my body or anything like that. I can’t. We have taught our children if they want to run naked in THEIR rooms, fine, go for it, I don’t care. But we also taught them to KNOCK before entering a bathroom…that’s just the way my husband and I are…that’s the way he was brought up and that’s the way I was brought up.

    • Monica says:

      @Kelly: Is it hard being a parent when you’re wound that tight? Do you ever enjoy your children? Laugh with them?

    • gina says:

      I have a 2 1/2 year old that can unlock the bathroom door so no one in my house has privacy, even though he has been taught. He has has also been taught the difference between boys (him, his brother, and father) and girls (me) which he should be. Children see their parents naked, it happens. Her husband wasn’t parading around the house naked, he was showering. There is a point when it is inappropriate for a child to see there parent naked but I don’t think 2 is that age.
      As for waiting to shower, maybe he couldn’t. People have to shower, whether they have toddlers or not. What you’re implying is that he shouldn’t have showered when he was alone with his daughter so that means that when I was a single mother after my divorce I shouldn’t have showered when I was alone with my then 2 year old son because he might by chance see me naked? If that’s the case there would be some pretty stinky single parents walking around.

    • kyooty says:

      Kelly, we also have a closed Door policy here. There are two reasons. 1 I like alone time. yep it’s my hiding place since 1999. I bit of modesty is healthy. I think knocking is a great policy. 2. The cat doesn’t come in and invade my space. (notice I say “my”) The cat and I are the only females in the house.

      I do realize that this little girl is 2yrsold though. She’s probably seen all these parts before but now she’s developing the language to communicate it. She’s probably used to Dashing to the potty last minute which would involve the running into the bathroom at 2yrs. 3? knocking seems realistic. And if someone doesn’t lock we say “excuse me” and close the door again.
      I am not putting down your opinion but I’d really rather name parts myself than clean up messes in the hall.

  2. Cassie says:

    Oh my heck! Adorable! She even cam eup with her own answer! My sister-in-law didn’t want to tell her daughter about anatomy quite yet, so she’d say ‘Silly Emmy, those are Mommy’s’ when the question of boobs came up.

    Her sister wasn’t quite so ‘discreet’. My niece’s cousin saw his great-grandmother nekkid after a shower, pointed, and said “Silly Boobs!!”

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  3. Katie says:

    This post is great and hardly disturbing.

    Thank you for the laughs, Robin! I think it’s beautiful to not be ashamed of our bodies… and embrace them! Kids need to have a good idea of body image early, early on :)

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  4. Granny Rose says:

    I think parenting is the bravest and hardest thing that anyone ever tries to do. And I can’t imagine a healthier way to respond. Sure, kids can be taught to knock. But there’s time for that. Thanks for giving her a multi-cultural education. Go, yemens!!

  5. Megan says:

    “Whuzz it doin’?” Best part.

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  6. Miss Britt says:

    Everyone in our house sees everyone’s business, unless someone says they have a problem with it (which my son has, and so he doesn’t.)

    This? Funny. And totally natural.

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  7. Monica says:

    Totally normal and natural. By the time my children were 2, they had seen both my husband and I naked many, many times so there was never a moment when any of them were surprised by what they saw. We don’t check who is hanging out in our bedroom before we get out of the shower. If I’m showering in the morning, my kids will often pile in my bed until I’m done and ready to help them get ready for the day. I never think twice about it. I figure that when/if they become uncomfortable with it, they will say so or make the decision to stay in their own rooms in the morning.

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  8. This is funny. Mostly because my two-year-old my husband had a similar experience last week. And when we talked about it later I laughed until I cried. He answered that “Whasss dat?” With, “My junk.” Then yelled, “ROOOOOOOOOBIN!” I snatched her outta the room.

    Yesterdee, she was going to the bathroom and she said, “Guhls hab a coo-coo (That’s what we call it. I can stand to say vagina to my kids. Every once in awhile I remind them that that’s what it’s called.) & boys have a junk. Wight Momma?” I gave her the correct scientific names and we moved on.

    I would MUCH rather my three daughters realize their is a difference when they are little then have to start with, “Boys have a penis…” at age 12.

    THAT said, once they started paying attention to stuff like that, we have attempted to close doors and take separate baths. But me and three daughters and one Daddy in a smallish house? Sometimes it just happens. Best thing to do is use it as an opportunity to teach then laugh about it later!

    My verdict: funny as HAIL.

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    • Coo coo?? Now, that’s funny.

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      • kyooty says:

        I was sure the term was Ka Ka :P

      • Jen says:

        My husband is a bit dismayed that I taught my son the word penis. We aren’t big fans of the words penis and vagina(howabout Va-Jay-Jay?), but thought we should teach the proper terms anyway. So he has a penis and “his business”, instead of penis and testicles. I suppose we had to draw the line somewhere.

        On a side note, I can no longer hold my 3yo son and jump around with him, because he lets everyone know that it “tickles his penis.”. Jeez.

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    • Robin we are the same way. I cannot stand to say Vagina.

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    • Adam says:

      When we were 10, I heard my girlfriend call her stuff a pud’nanny. She said she heard her older brother call it that a few years earlier when she came out of the bathroom naked one time. He said,”I see somebody’s pud’nanny!” Coocoo and pud’nanny are cute but I have a problem with people calling our stuff junk. Aren’t there better words like thing or thingy (heh!heh!heh!), dingaling is an oldy but a goody. I’m sure there other words better than junk. That stuff makes babies remember.

  9. Also. No more novella length comments from my phone. Huked on fonics wurked fer me.

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  10. Mollie says:

    Robin-hilarious! My sister’s best friend walked in on her dad getting out of the shower, and she stood there for a minute (this is all a legend in her family, and therefore passed on to me) and then said “Hmmm . . . I like your lil’ thang.” Hahahaha. I think its funny, natural, and no big deal :)

  11. Sharon says:

    This is hilarious. Totally made my morning!
    Children need to learn these things from their parents. Otherwise, it’s “learned” from other sources.

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  12. Kelly says:

    Alright….

    You want to know the whole damn reason why you people think I’m so condenscending and everything. Here are a few reasons:

    1. I was molested by a friend’s father in the shower. Can we say horrible experience??

    2. I was date raped on the bathroom floor!! another horrible experience I would love to forget.

    3. I was the primary care-taker of my father in the last year of his life and saw “his junk”. Did I want to?? HELL NO. But I took care of my dad, because that’s what you do.

    So sue me for getting all “up in your face” with this subject. To me, it’s not funny…it’s disturbing. Please please stop harassing me about my choice to disclose this or my opinions.

    4.

    • Kelly, I am so so sorry. That is heartbreaking.

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    • Kelly, I am so sorry! That is heartbreaking, and I completely understand why you would view this post the way that you do.

      Families have different levels of comfort with this sort of stuff. I went my whole life never running into my dad in the bathroom because he is a very modest and private person. Same with my mom. I never thought anything of it.

      And yes, I will FULLY admit that I do have issue with my body and sex…but that’s also because I am Catholic… and Asian… and shame is like my cocaine. I traffic in it.

      So beat up on me, ya’ll. Not Kelly.

      But this isn’t about me. I think it took a lot of courage to admit this, Kelly. Please know that you’ve opened minds. We don’t always know the whole story. (hugs)

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    • Kelly,

      No one is saying you don’t have reason to be unhappy with the situations that happened to you.

      I am simply asking you to choose not to read if the content is upsetting you even more.

      Rather than argue your points here, publicly, and take what is a very emotional response to a situation that has nothing to do with what Robin wrote here, and find a more constructive outlet.

      A part of what we have done with Aiming Low Does Good is to raise awareness of Violence Unsilenced. A site where you can read other stories like yours and find the support you may be looking for.

      And before you tell me I have no room to talk, here is my story: http://violenceunsilenced.com/anissa/

      And I’m in a wheelchair and have learned to have NO PRIVACY.

      Anissa
      Lead Editor of Aiming Low

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      • Kelly says:

        Nice to know that you have NO privacy,

        Since I was born with an incurable skin disorder and have been seen by 300+ doctor’s over the last 40 years of my life – I don’t get any privacy either (join the damn club).

        I really don’t think it’s fair for YOU to TELL ME what I should and shouldn’t read or comment on. You should know that of all people, since you are Lead Editor of this site. I don’t need a “more constructive outlet” to tell MY story.

        This post rubbed me the WRONG way and I’m going to voice my opinion, so please, do not tell me to take it elsewhere. If I’m not allowed to comment on these types of posts (or any posts for that matter) why have this site up. By publishing this post, you have HAD to have known that someone would have posted a comment of disgust. Any editor would have known that.

        Done. Finished.

        • I don’t think she was trying to tell you that you couldn’t comment here, Violence Unsilenced is a forum about empowering victims and giving them a voice, a place to tell your story where you can be supported and not judged. Aiming Low is a humor site. Will everyone laugh at every post? Prolly not, but that is ok. It’s our different experiences that makes us unique and wonderful, no matter how awful those experiences are. Your experiences suck, I am not taking that away from you. We have all had shit in our lives. But please don’t take away from someone else’s fun or bright spot of their day just because you have pain in that particular area. Like you pointed out, you are entitled to your opinion. So is everyone else.

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        • kyooty says:

          not necessarily. I’ve been reading here for maybe 2-3yrs? I expect to read these kinds of posts. I don’t expect to read comments like I’ve read today.

          wooooohoo for more traffic. Advertisers love this I’m sure.

          I think Anissa’s reply was very generous of both your feelings and the feelings of others. You’ve seen TV where they have a “this program maybe disturbing to some”? that’s what she’s saying. She’s not telling to not read, she’s telling you to use your own judgement. Freewill. I felt the concern in her reply. I also feel the concern in your original comment, it gave me something to think about, and then I continued to read the comments other others which also gave me something to think about.
          The internetz is HUGE, the blogosphere is huge, you can find almost anything you want to read, or not want to read.

          Again I like a private bathroom trip myself.

    • g says:

      Kelly,
      I too was molested but by my step father for 5 years. I completely understand why that would make you weirded out by this post believe me. As a victim I understand the disgust but as a parent I see the humor. But the horrific things that happened in your past shouldn’t affect your interactions with your children. I’m not saying you all should have nakey parties but if a kid accidently sees their parent naked it won’t scar them for life the way that you have been. I’m assuming part of the reason it struck such a nerve is because it was his daughter not son, but, as I’m sure you know, all men aren’t like that. I have sons so I’m a little more laid back but if I ever have a daughter things might be different. It truly is completely normal for this kind of thing to happen, accidents are accidents. It is also completely normal to be very modest, especially if you’ve been through the things that you have, but even then accidents happen.
      Also know that people weren’t judging what you said because they wanted to personally attack you, it was more like they were defending Robin because it seemed like you were attacking her and her husbands parenting choices.

  13. Brandy says:

    Robin, I’m pretty sure your donkeys are heehawing from my laughter across town!

    I think a happy medium is probably a good thing regarding family nudity. My 17 year old roommate at a high school summer program confided that she and her entire family bathed together and always had in their family-style bathtub. I came home to her crying in our room one day because she had caught a glimpse of some guy undressing. When I asked why it was so upsetting she sobbed that it didn’t look like her dad’s! Err, how to console…

  14. Amy B. says:

    I think we’re at the point in our relationship where we need to have a talk about your baby.

    “I’ve never seen a baby like that. Whuzz it doin?”

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  15. Una LaMarche says:

    I remember seeing my dad’s penis as a small child. Unintentional on his part, I am certain. And apart from the freebasing and cage-fighting I turned out just fine.

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  16. Just for the record *after reading all the comments* hardly anyone in this house even thinks about shutting the door when they’re in the bathroom unless they’re going “#2″ LOL Or unless we have company. You know, cause we’re classy like that… ;) And, we had a similar experience with our 2 year old, Zoe, walking in when my hubby was drying off. She said, “Ewww Daddy you natty! (nasty) … Where you tose (clothes)?!” Then she turned her nose up and walked out of the room. Hil.ari.ous. ;)

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  17. Heather Schiavo says:

    I laughed my ass off at this post. I think my blood pressure dropped by 10 points. Because my 6-year-old daughter thinks she has a penis between her legs because she was only half paying attention during Family Life Lessons at school. And she wasn’t paying attention at all when I told her what a vagina was (Thank YOU Kindergarten teacher for getting pregnant this year and causing a flood of questions I wasn’t ready to answer yet). So I roll with it. Funny. Very, very funny.

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  18. And look! The baby is holding two lemons!

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  19. Jessica says:

    Hilarious!
    To be fair your daughter isn’t too far off base. I mean, in the future it may make the whole, “where do babies come from” talk a little easier.

    FYI – My 3 yr old son thinks nipples are just more belly buttons.

  20. donna says:

    That is HILARIOUS! I love “Whuzzit doing?” the best.

    When my ex and I were still together, we would bring our daughter into bed on weekend mornings to cuddle and play on the weekends. He was always clothed and covered up, but he used to say to her jokingly “Ooh, watch out for mah junk!” when she was getting riled up jumping around. She was like two and never had any concept of what we were laughing about.

    Then one day, she walked into the bathroom when he stepped out of the shower. She looked at him, pointed and said “Daddy junk!” While we were doubled over laughing, she pointed between her own legs and said “Bridget junk!”

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  21. ChristiS says:

    That is hilarious!!! I LOVE it! Reminds me of the night that my hubby was out of town and my oldest, then about 3, came out of his room and asked, “Mommy, how come my peetom (no, we aren’t using proper terminology….) gets big and little, big and little?!” I told him to ask Daddy when he got home cause I didn’t have one of those! LOL

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  22. Oh my heck thay was funny.
    I don’t find any of this disturbing at all. And everyone is entitled to their opinion. Mine is this:

    The more you close off to your kids and yell at them to get out and shame them into covering up the more shame and embarrssment they have later. Do we parade around in front of our kids nekkid? Know. We use discretion but we also say, “Mommy needs some privacy for this” or “it’s ok to show me that if it hurts or needs attention but that is something you do in private now,ok?” Teaching them to knock? Awesome. Screaming at them and shaming them because they saw you nekkid? Not awesome.

    So my kids ha e occasionally seen me nekkid and in underwear but we just keep calm and carry on and don’t let past experiences and emotions freak us out.

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  23. Rachel says:

    This was a great post, Robin. Reminded me of when my daughter was little. She nursed till she was almost 2 (yes, I’m one of THOSE moms) and so she had a name for it (ninny). That name immediately applied to breasts as well. One day we were shopping at Target and we walked by the lingerie/underwear section. She saw all the bras on display and said, “Wow! That’s a lot of ninnies!” Cracked me up.

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  24. Becky says:

    Too funny!

    Precious what lil kids say sometimes… reminds me of the time when my then 10 y/o walked into the kitchen where I was cooking and asked “What are those ball thingies behind the wee-pee for mom?” Caught totally off guard all I could think to say was to ask his dad to which he replied “WHY would dad know more than YOU, mom?!” Uhm, yeah that’s right! ;-)

    I enjoyed your post!

  25. Suebob says:

    I have no kids, so I should have no bathroom privacy issues, right? But I’m taking a shower and all of a sudden something occurs to me…I fling open the shower curtain to find (the now ex-) BF POOPING as I’m in there trying to get fresh and clean.

    Everyone who follows me on twitter knows I have poop issues (in that I don’t want to know that anyone else on earth poops, how they do it, I don’t want to smell it…). WHAT THE HELL, people? Who does that?

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  26. LisaUnfiltered says:

    I had a text wall of commentary, but I’m going to reduce it to:

    Kids say the damndest things!

  27. Diane says:

    Look parents are so tired most of the time, it’s surprising they make it to the toilet let alone close the door!

  28. I may not have a penis, but I think most men would be thrilled to have theirs compared to a 7lb 8oz baby. That’d be quite a pecker slap. That’d be like a pecker power punch out.

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  29. HOly heck this was funny. My favorite part? “It’s a baby!” And, “Whuzz it doin’?” BEST story EVAH.

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  30. Verity says:

    I laughed so much I cried! My daughter is around the same age and listening to her try to say words is very cute and funny! hehe see I’m still laughing just thinking about… actual tears :D

  31. Yeti9000 says:

    Wow…who knew your freaking hilarious post would cause such an uproar? All I can add to the mix is that as a SAHD of a two-year-old girl, I couldn’t keep a bathroom or bedroom door closed if I tried. Our daughter is into everyone’s business 24/7 and now that she’s potting training? Ha! Forget about it, we might as well take the doors down in our house…it’s crazy. But what I’m really jealous of is the fact that your husband found time to take a shower while she was awake…I haven’t done been able to do that in months! :)

  32. Rahshell says:

    When my son was 2, I had our little girl. When he visited us at the hospital I happened to be changing her diaper and his first question ‘where is her penis!’ I barely got a chance to say she didn’t have one before he pointed to her umbilical stump and said ‘oh, there it is’ and left it alone. Kids that age are hilarious and they won’t remember this kind of stuff in a month or 2. Thanks for sharing I thought it was funny as hell!! I can only imagine the antics over the next 6 months as my daughter gets to be 2 :)

  33. MamaKaren says:

    My kids saw my husband and I (separately) during shower time when they were little because at the time we only had one shower, and it was in the same bathroom as the training potty. My daughter learned about boy parts because of seeing me change her baby brother’s diaper, so her only inquiry about our nether regions was why grown ups had hair and kids didn’t.

    I found this post funny, and I hope that anyone who is upset by it because it triggers traumatic experiences is willing to either stop reading the uncomfortable material or to discuss it in a venue that is meant for discussion of how to handle trauma and triggers. Everyone has a right to his or her own opinion, but not everyone’s opinions are shaped by the same experiences so what is hilarious to some is very painful to others. This post was appropriate for the majority of the readership here, and I feel confident in saying that no one meant for it to be a trigger to anyone. Thank you, Anissa and the rest of the AL crew, for offering a very viable option for the reader whose experience made this post disturbing and who needed an appropriate outlet for articulating that.

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  34. Kathykate says:

    back in the cute toddler days (now mom of 4 miserable teens and a tween), daughter and I rinsed off after beach day. She points to my crotch and says, “wazzthat?” And I say, it’s my vagina. To which she replies: “No way. Looks like a coconut to me!”

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  35. Hilarious post.

    Read through the comments, you never know what’s going to turn into a controversy, right? It added to my enjoyment this morning though.

    Thanks for sharing!

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  36. Bethie says:

    This is the first time I’ve visited AL, and I’m laughing so hard my cheeks hurt! The ones on my face, I mean. Although I was laughing pretty hard, so maybe both….hmmm.

  37. kyooty says:

    I love the way they say words at this age. All my boys have lost their baby words. Everything now is so clear and even punctuated.

  38. Alison says:

    I laughed so hard reading this. I have a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and an 11 month old. Needless to say, I have no privacy in the shower-I live in an old house, no doors have locks, and my bathroom actually has no door at all; just a curtain I put up. It’s usually my 3 year old son who comes barging into the bathroom on me-he has delayed speech, so he doesn’t have the words to name any body parts, but he likes to point at nipples-mine, his brother and sister’s, his dad’s, the boobs on my tattoo (yeah, I have pinup tattoo on my arm), etc. I don’t know why people are getting bent out of shape about toddlers seeing nudity-it’s natural and there’s nothing wrong with it. Americans in general have way to many hang-ups about the body and nudity. My family is German and I can remember my great-aunt toweling off nude in my parent’s bathroom with the door wide open when I was 10. It didn’t traumatize me, nor did going to beaches with half nude people and fat men in speedos.
    Anyway, your posts are awesome. Keep writing them because I like reading them.

  39. nknkn says:

    you are ridickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. We dont want to hear about how you like your husbands teeny peeny that you have nicknamed after your baby ok!! you retard.

  40. Ricky says:

    Robin Plemmons, seriously… vagina?! Why didn’t you use “pussy” you had no problem writing “dick” in you lame ass story about how your daughter caught her daddy naked. Talk about mothers gone crazy – try growing up, there are bigger issues in the world.

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