I have always been a bit fashion challenged. I’m often hard-pressed to know for sure which colours and fabrics go together, and I spent my teens and most of my twenties wearing black head to toe, not because I was a goth, but because it saved me the embarrassment of leaving the house in a mismatched, clown outfit. You know, like a Guatemalan tank top with a pair of paisley corduroy pants, because I actually did that.
That’s me wearing a bra on my butt.
Over the last decade, I’ve found a default list of clothing items that seems to carry me through most situations without either embarrassing myself or offending innocent eyes, and it’s pretty good list to follow for basic wardrobe items that work.
1. A black t-shirt: A black t-shirt free of any graphics goes with everything else in the wardrobe for more casual occasions. Also, black is slimming. I look like a marshmallow in white and pastels.
2. A blouse: A blouse cut to hug my bustline and skim over my waistline without clinging can go with a pair of trousers or dress up a pair of jeans. It is important that this blouse not require tucking. Unless a person is very slim, tucking creates an unflattering shape.
3. Aged boyfriend jeans: By boyfriend jeans, I mean a slightly looser fit with a straight leg. It’s a style that is flattering on just about any figure, and they’re cute whether they’re paired with a t-shirt or dressed up with a blouse and a pair of wedges.
4. Dark trouser-style jeans: Oh, the trouser jeans. I had to work my way through about ten different stores before I found a pair of trouser jeans that fit well, but it was worth the work. They have a wider leg and a longer cut than your average jeans, which makes them fit more like dress pants. They’re a dressier pair of jeans whose cut will make your butt look fantastic.
5. Black trousers with a bit of drape: These speak for themselves. Of course you need a decent pair of dress pants. What, are you going to wear those jeans to that fancy restaurant?
6. A figure-flattering dress: I stress figure-flattering, because nothing can make you feel more wallflowery than finding yourself at an event and feeling as though you accidentally showed up wearing a potato sack. For me, I find a dress that flatters my bustline and skims the rest of my figure is the way to go. This way everyone can think BOOBS and maybe not notice my slowly disappearing butt.
7. A comfortable pair of ballet flats: If you can find a pair that fits like your favourite slippers, you’ll never want to be without them.
8. A dressy pair of heels or wedges: Pair these with the trouser jeans, dress pants, or your cute dress, but take care to make sure that your feet are moisturized and your toenails are in good repair. Nothing can destroy your look faster than grey, crusty-looking heels or thorny toenails. Ew.
9. A simple cardigan: A plain cardigan, preferably with a bit of drape and no buttons to avoid making me look lumpy, can dress up a t-shirt or warm me up on a cool evening without me having to resort to a bulkier jacket.
10. A plain scarf in a strong colour: A nice scarf can add a little spark to an otherwise drab outfit whether you’re wearing a t-shirt and jeans or something dressier, and it’s not hard to learn a knot or two that’ll make you look like you mean it.
This list of wardrobe items mix and match with each other easily to create several decent outfits, and since I found this magic list for dressing myself, I have been able to go out confidently into the world without fear of being a moving fashion violation. Of course, now that I’ve written my clothing list down, I’ve grown paranoid.
Am I missing anything? What would you change?
About Schmutzie
I can’t tell you the number of times that LM (Love Muffin) has actually called the Department Secretary and asked her to “tell everybody I didn’t dress him.” :S
Twitter Name: lceel
Hee!
Twitter Name: schmutzie
All you’re missing is a bit of mindless commentary:
“I wouldn’t change anything,” I reply, glancing down at my own workday wardrobe – son’s old hoodie, dirty jean shorts, bare feet, ponytail for hair that hasn’t been cut in six months. “Your wardrobe list is all about ease, classic style and versatility.”
Mine? All about sloth and fright night in the afternoon. Even the mirror quivers. (I’ve got jowls.) For some time now, I’ve been living vicariously through Aiming Low. Only problem? I’m at least one or two levels further down.
Twitter Name: writewrds
Is it just me or does “fright night in the afternoon” sound vaguely like a gothic novel monster movie soft porn B-movie?
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I was going more for horror-bly cheesy stinker with wandering plot…(I’ll take it though.)
But soft porn? Oh my. The wardrobe discussion takes it all off.
Twitter Name: writewrds
I would add a good, properly-fitted bra to that list. For women, it’s absolutely critical if you have boobs (unless you’re one of those lucky A or B cup girls). Women should get measured once a year for their bra because the right bra can make everything else you wear look 10 times better, and your measurements do change with weight loss/gain, age, etc.
Ditto on the bra comment. Never underestimate the power of well-fitting undergarments.
Twitter Name: buzzvibe
Ditto to the nth power
Twitter Name: smacks_em
Good bras are a virtue, for sure.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I am in total agreement on the bra thing! It is my biggest pet peeve when girls with larger boobs have a bad bra on. I just want to drag them to a store and fix it! A bad bra can ruin even the cutest outfit!
So true! There should be bra police posted in public places to help the womens with the droopy/misshapen poorly shod boobs out.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I’m headed back to work after 12 years at home, so I totally needed this. I’m in the big boobs/disappearing butt crowd as well and I adore dresses that cross over the bust line and then flow around the rest of the body! Now, to find a great pair of black pants…..grrr!
Twitter Name: kmcaffee
My advice! Grab every pair of black pants you see and try them on. They can look completely different on the rack than they do on your body. Also? My favourite pair of black pants were bought for $20. Expensive doesn’t mean better.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
What, no rompers? Seriously, great list. I have been trying to incorporate more basics, it does make dressing much less dreadful.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
I HATE ROMPERS. They are the devil.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Congrats on finding some reliable guidelines for your shape. I am a short-waisted person (ribs almost on top of pelvis) with a bit of a belly. I’m pretty sure that tucked looks better on me than untucked. Otherwise I have no waist whatsoever. Am I deluded?
I am very short-waisted, too. I think I can maybe stick my thumb in the space between my hip bone and my rib cage. I find that tucking things in only draws attention to the issue.
I’ve found the solution to finding shirts that fit properly, though! I am not a small woman, by an means, but I still shop for my shirts in the Petite section. Petites are not for skinny people, they are for shorter people, and I have the torso of a short person. Finding this out has made shopping for tops a much happier event. The darts actually fall where my breasts do, the waist in fitted shirts actually goes in where my waist does, and I don’t end up with a bunch of extra fabric bunching at my hips.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Ah, the cardigan with buttons – my nemesis.
Great list. I’ve just discovered wedges, to my comfort and delight! Where the hell have I been?
Twitter Name: theflyingchlupa
I now treat my wardrobe like Grown Up Garanimals – everything is shades of black, gray, and navy, with a few key white items, and some scarves (that I cannot wear because it’s 287 degrees in Texas all year round).
Twitter Name: Missy_Stevens