On the Aiming Low Twitter stream, reader and certified Aiming Lower @JaMonkey, linked to an article on Parenting.com about what NOT to say to your children. Asking Aiming Low for a rebuttal, she added, “I apparently have to stop talking to my children all together.”
I decided to take her up on that challenge because, after all, this is Aiming Low. We don’t have to be perfect here. We can confess our sins and we don’t have to parent like everyone else. Hell, we don’t even have to shower around here if we don’t want to.
We’re all just too sensitive these days. There’s a heaping bowl of political correctness going around and it’s choking us to death. Pretty soon, experts will be telling us to let our kids run their own lives from the time they’re toddlers, “Let them bite, it shows they know what they want!” Or “Buy them that thing they’re screaming for at the grocery store because they’re expressing their desires! It’s a good thing!”
Um, no, thanks.
Take my parents for example; lovely people. They said a lot of things on that list of things you aren’t supposed to say. I’m not a serial killer and, to my knowledge, none of my sisters are either. My parents were also spankers*, ascribing to that school of thought that goes something like, “Say that again and I will whoop your butt.”
They never actually said that, but we knew it to be true.
Here are some of the favorite things I’m not supposed to say to my kid. Feel free to borrow any that feel right to you.
- “Shush. You’re giving mommy a headache.” It’s the truth when you are nursing a hangover. It’s only happened once. Or maybe 10 times.
- “Turn the TV down.” Refer to number 1. And “Get mommy a Diet Coke.” I might have also said that in reference to the first two items on this list.
- “Go outside – for a very long time – and play.” When I was little, we played outside and didn’t come home until dinner. I know those were simpler times, but we have a big back yard and a creek with snakes so I let them roam.
- “See that? Do that!” What is wrong telling a kid to model their behavior after a seemingly well-behaved child? I want them to feel bad – I want them to think to themselves that maybe next time around, they’ll get better results if they just act like Susie.
- “You know better than that.” I say this because they do, in fact, know better than that. As did I when I was a brat (last week).
- “You’re awesome!” A kid, my kids anyway, needs a lot of praise. They like hearing they’re good and great. I actually have a document titled, “88 Ways to Say Very Good.” I’ve said them all except, “You’re really going to town.” Mostly because it sounds like something Robin would say when her man is doing it right in the bedroom.
- “I will take away everything I ever let you use if…” It’s our stuff, not theirs. There’s no better way to teach them that lesson than empty their room shy of bed, blankets and favorite stuffed animal (I’m not that mean). But let’s be practical. Do it when another person can help you. It’s no fun to schlep this stuff around a few times.
- “Stop that! No, seriously, STOP THAT.” Sometimes we yell. It happens, move on. Don’t beat yourself up about it. My parents yelled and I’m (fairly) well balanced.
- “Go play in the street!” My kids are clever and they never actually do this when I say it.
Now, if any of these statements turn your kids into serial killers you can’t hold me responsible. Just like NOT saying something will magically give you a child that won’t need therapy (because can’t we all use a little?).
Really, as parents, aren’t we all just winging it anyway?
*oy, don’t go there.
About Julia Roberts
I’m only admitting this because we’re all anonymous here, except that you now have my email. OK, we’re all friends here.
Rumor has it that I have said to one of mine, while throwing a nasty tantrum at the zoo: “Sshhhh! Stop crying! It makes the lions hungry.”
That can actually be used a few ways… such as “Crying makes Santa’s elves sad” or “Crying makes all the ice cream in the world melt”. You can get creative and age/situation specific with it.
Yes! That’s what I’m talking about…share the love of a good threatening sentence! And yes, we don’t judge here. Or if we do, we don’t actually tell you we are :).
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
My foavorite, when one complains about perceived favoritism, is “Obviously, I love you’re brother more than I love you.” It’s so silly neither one believes it for a minute.
I didn’t realize I could use them to get me diet coke, though. Thanks for the tip!
Twitter Name: enzosdelicious
Yep, I’m totally using that “favorite” comment. On vacation RIGHT now with those children. And yes, the kids are also helpful in popping the tops of such diet coke cans, saving broken nails might I add.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
What’s wrong with, “You know better?” If they are acting like animals in a public place and I’ve taught them better, why wouldn’t I want to point that out? Sheesh.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
I know! I’ve said it a hundred times. Including last night because my son, he does know better.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
OK, just have to share this. A few years ago we were driving my oldest daughter (who was about 13 at the time) home from some activity and for some reason we were saying how we, as parents, really just want to make sure our kids grow up happy and not become a serial killer. And she says “Oh, like Al Bundy?”
Or sit around all day with their hand in their pants.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Yeah. The old reference to Bundy! If I had a dolla…
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
My mom’s aunt constantly hollered at her kids, “If you don’t quit fighting/running/whatever, I’m gonna cut off your feet and throw ‘em in the street!” Those kids are all in their 50s and 60s now and there’s not a serial killer among them.
Not that we know of, anyway.
Twitter Name: NoStylePoints
See? I always think it’s the quiet ones anyway…and there aren’t any of those types in my family.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
I think that if you DON’T use these types of phrases on your kids they will turn into serial killers.
I’m the queen of yelling. I TRIED to deal with them in a calm, rational, mature way, but it just didn’t work. I always tell each of my kids that they are my favorite. That way when they are older they can all fight about it and I can stand and watch.
I am definitely going to use the ‘crying makes the fairies die’ phrase, or something to that effect. I don’t want to totally scar them…
Twitter Name: lucynamackay
See? I like that approached as I’d been hoping the kids got along when they were older. But why not let them just worry about that later?
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
Yes! Introduce Fairies…and make the world a better place.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
My favorite that I remember from when my kids were little was my stock response the ever-irritating whine “but, WHY, Mama??” usually rendered when I’d denied them something:
Because I’m BIGGER than you are.
Which worked great, right up until, well, I wasn’t bigger anymore! But they all turned out great, too.
Yeah, that one doesn’t work as my kids are getting bigger. But the yelling? That is helping. The constand comparing to “good” kids? That works sometimes, too.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
When my kids are touching shit I don’t want them touching I give them a solid warning. Of course they touch it again and I’m all, “If you touch that again I’ll break your fingers!”
P.S. Last week? My oldest lied to me for the last time because I? Shaved his head as punishment. Taking the phone away simply wasn’t doing the job anymore.
Twitter Name: lotsospermies
Me likey the shaving idea. But then I get punished because I do love how their hair looks.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
My mom has continued the family trend of saying off the wall sh*t to the children. She told my daughter and nephew that if they continued to fight she was going to “rip their arms off and beat them with them!”
I used to tell my daughter “Don’t make me have to beat you!” (It was a JOKE.) She changed it up on me in Target one day, though. I said it and she yelled at the top of her lungs “No! Don’t beat me mamma!” Score one for the rug rat.
One of my good southern friends uses “Mama’s gonna hafta hurt ya, precious” Her voice is dripping sweetness, but her eyes are shooting death rays.
“Let the beatings begin!”
Bill Crosby
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
“If you do that one more time I’m gonna bust your ass.” FYI, their assess have never been busted. Therefore I’m breaking the follow through rule as well as the threaten rule.
And when they ask for what I’m eating, “if I had a little shit would you want some of that too?” Something my grandmother always asked us. None of us turned out to be serial killers either. At least not yet. I have suspicions about one of my cousins.
Well, Bustaass it is!
And as far as the cousin? Are they really quiet? You know, the kind that neighbors say, “they always kept to themselves…” on national television.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
Actually now that I think about it they aren’t. I guess that means we’re okay.
Thank you so much Julia! Couldn’t have put it better myself, now stop neglecting your kids, get off the computer and be nice to your freaking kids!
Twitter Name: JaMonkey
All for you…all for you.
And yes, as for the kids, I always sign off the computer after their 4th whine about the neglect!
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
HAHA Love ya chicka!
Twitter Name: JaMonkey
5 out of 10 times, when I see my nieces, instead of hugging them I say, “Who wants a spanking?” Or I invite them over to spend the night at my house but tell them they have to get spankings first. They never buy it. “Oh, Tante!!” they say and giggle. They know me too well.
Spankings are underrated ya know? But being an auntie gets you out of all that…it’s all spoiling and chocolate.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
I got tired of the constant tattling so when one of the girls would tattle on the other one I would say, in a complete monotone, “Really? She did that? Hmmm…. I guess you’ll have to kill her”. Needless to say, they are both still alive and it actually did stop the constant tattling.
Sometimes adding a little something special to a sentence is all we need, right?
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
We southerners tend toward exaggeration. Such as telling a child “I’m gonna beat you til my arm falls off – then pick it up and beat you with THAT!”
Of course I also call my kids goobers and turds, and tell them I’m going to sell them on eBay. I’ve been known to tell them to stop acting like crackheads, that I think I hear their real mommy calling, and to go play license plate tag.
So far neither shows signs of serial killer-like tendencies. They just laugh at me a lot.
Clearly, they won’t grow up to be serial killers because of their funny momma!
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1