4th of July Movies For The Discerning Patriot

It’s the Fourth of July, y’all! What are you doing on the Internet? You should be drunk on moonshine and Bomb Pops, setting off Roman candles in broad daylight preferably while wearing Daisy Dukes and eating as many types of processed meats as you can fit in your mouth at one time!

U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

I’m totally kidding, obviously. What you should be doing—because the sun (and probably hot dogs) will give you cancer—is sitting inside wearing only your undies and Unabomber glasses, drinking lukewarm Pabst and watching a thematically relevant movie marathon, pausing only to do a Risky Business-style dance to Katy Perry’s “Firework” while lip-synching into a tiny American flag.

You bring the beer and the boxer briefs, I’ll build the Netflix queue:

Born on the Fourth of July: Don’t worry, we’re just starting out literal. Also, this should NOT be confused with Top Gun. Shit gets real in this movie. Also there is no karaoke.

Jaws: It may not seem relevant at first, but if you watch closely, somebody gets eaten on the 4th. This will make you feel better about not being at the beach.

My Girl: WHERE ARE HIS GLASSES? HE CAN’T SEE WITHOUT HIS GLASSES!!!!!! Apart from fulfilling that basic human need to weep violently on major holidays, this classic includes a 4^th of July barbecue scene in which Dan Aykroyd plays the tuba!

Independence Day: Obvious? Yes. But… Bill Pullman is the president. And he can enter my oval office anytime, if you know what I’m saying (SEX).

Team America: World Police: Seeing as the major theme of Independence Day (aside from stockpiling condiments and making baked goods in the shape of the flag) can be distilled down to “America… fuck yeah!”, this raunchy puppet flick from the creators of South Park is a must-see.

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer: Yeah, it’s basically just set in July, but come on—do you really need a better excuse to watch the Gorton’s fisherman stalk Jennifer Love Hewitt?

1776: Who doesn’t love historical musicals produced in the 1970s??? (Socialists, that’s who!) But, in case you’re still on the fence: Ben Franklin, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson dance down a staircase in Independence Hall. It’s basically Priscilla, Founding Father of the Desert.

Enjoy your nitrates and freedom!

(But seriously, read the directions first on anything you set fire to today. Little known fact: In addition to his wooden teeth, George Washington also had a glass eye thanks to an incident involving vodka-infused watermelon and some sparklers.)

(Okay, that’s a lie. But still.)