My dad came into town for a visit. As usual, he arrived bearing fart jokes and fabulously unusual presents for the kids. Before you read any further, you must know that if you do not enjoy scatological humor, you should probably not read this . My dad happens to be the Lifetime Chair of the Scatological Humor Club, and I am his Personal Secretary.
My father spent my entire childhood trying to publicly humiliate me and my sisters with flatulence. He was gastronomically expressive and could proudly produce anal acoustics that could break the sound barrier. For example, it was not an unusual occurrence for my father to float a butt biscuit while we were standing in line at the grocery store.
These were no “silent but deadly” numbers. When the modest housewives standing in line beside us turned around to see what was happening with shocked expressions on their faces, my dad would blame his butt percussions on one of us.
“Naomi!” he would gasp, acting horrified. “That was disgusting… here,” he’d say, while handing me a tissue. “you’d better go check that.”
We also regularly enjoyed family sing-a-longs to wholesome tunes like “The More We Fart Together” and “There’s Curry in the Air Tonight” and “Beans, Beans, the Musical Fruit.” I think this last song was our family anthem. Especially since we were actually vegetarians and really did have beans with every meal along with some unidentifiable root vegetable and an enticing pile of boiled tofu.
As always, when my dad arrived, he came in with the usual fanfare and a variety of presents for the kids. My dad is extremely fun and creative. He brings things that keep the kids entertained for hours like homemade helicopters, balloon planes, solar cars, arts and crafts kits with loads of glitter and sequins, etc. This time he brought the ultimate in kid enjoyment—the fart machine.
Okay, so actually it’s a sound machine. It boasts 16 different sounds including belching, screaming, glass breaking, clapping, and of course, farting. It is a parent’s dream toy. There is nothing better than spending your days trailed by children who follow you with their butts poised in the air while they use the handheld fart remote to fire continuous imaginary (albeit extremely loud) fart noises.
Here’s a rundown of my weekend with the fart machine.
While preparing for dinner, my children are rolling on the kitchen floor playing some kind of game that involves wearing various pieces of my clean Tupperware on their heads, butts and feet. Random noises from the fart machine are also forthcoming. When I ask them to please pick up the Tupperware and set the table, I get an immediate response. It’s a loud farting sound, followed by hysterical laughter.
During dinner. “Nino, please pass the tortillas.” Response? Farting. Followed by screaming. Followed by belching. Followed by both my boys falling off their chairs in uproarious laughter.
Now that they are under the table, I decide to pretend that we are enjoying a civilized dinner and ignore the children who are variously chewing on my ankles, licking my knees, rubbing beans into my socks, and, of course, farting. I am quite sure that I do not know them.
The following conversation ensues. “So I heard on NPR the other day (enormous farting sound) about this interesting (screaming) study (belching) where they showed that (farting, belching, screaming in quick succession) mommy brain really does exist,” my father says, seemingly oblivious to the rectal tremors issued from below.
“Oh. That’s (farting, farting, farting, laughing, clapping, beans in socks, someone licking my kneecaps) fascinating. How exactly (screaming, laughing, clapping, farting, belching, farting) did they prove that?” I reply.
But before we can continue, a scuffle begins over the fart machine, punctuated with real life screaming, crying and attempts to strangle each other for the small red box. Both children and the beloved fart machine are sent to time-out. By the end of the weekend, I had determined that I was going to do one of three things, or all of them:
- Roll over the fart machine with my van
- Buy another fart machine and join in on the hysteria
- Buy a 24-pack of fart machines and give them out as gifts at all the children’s birthday parties in the upcoming year to which we are invited
Got any other good suggestions on what to do with our fart machine?
About Naomi De La Torre
Um….that sounds so much like my family, I’d swear we were twins. Or something.
I think I like your family.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
hahahahahaha!
my dad used to fart on the walk home from dairy queen and act like it was a turbo booster to make him walk faster. he was also mad at my mom when she replaced our wooden dinner chairs with upholstered ones b/c they didn’t amplify the sound anymore. love this post.
Hahahaahaha!! Turbo booster. I should tell my dad that. He would love it.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
<3 your pops. that is all :)
Twitter Name: Jason Eskridge
He loves you too, J. :)
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Oh yes. I remember that about your dad. He always did love his own butt percussions.
True dat.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Girl,growing up eating frijoles and quesadillas on the regular there were lots of magical fruit sing alongs at our house…(not by me of course) but my father and brothers thought it was HILARIOUS to have contests at the dinner table. Imagine my horror when my 4 year old princess likes to scream at the top of her lungs (every single time we are in public) ME FAAARTED! I don’t know if its because I’m humiliated or jealous from all those years of holding my own bodily functions hostage. I friggin almost implode but this kid she proclaims it from the roof tops and it’s the fricking cutest thing ever.Viva la musical fruit, the more that you eat…la mas that you TOOT TOOT!LOL
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
ME FAAAARTED!!! Hahaahaha! I’m afraid you might not like hanging out in person with me after all though, Debi, cuz….well…I do the very same thing.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Once we had friends over and my three-year-old son tooted. The other Dad said “Angus! Did you just step on a duck?” and Angus said “no, that was just a fart” as if to say “we don’t use silly euphemisms for bodily functions in this house, sir”. Now he’s eleven. Things are…quite a bit different. :)
Twitter Name: bitterindigo
Step on a duck!! That’s hilarious. And I thought I’d heard every fart euphemism out there. Love the way your son stood up for his fart. Fart Power!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Hand out the sound machines at parties, and video the reactions of parents. Hilarious video montage, right there.
Sure, I’m not above laughing at the occasional toot joke, but there is something in the male genetic code that turns farts into high comedy. My 2 year old already plays the game of redirection. He lets them go and then screams, “Daddy! Daddy toot!” and laughs like a mad man.
Twitter Name: Missy_Stevens
I love your idea, Missy, of the video fart montage. That would make a great father’s day gift for my dad too. He would be so proud. Heh. :)
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I love this post. I also grew up in a family where bodily noises were considered normal. I’ve brought that into my own family. Sometimes I feel like my husband and I are 12 year old boys with the amount of gaseous laughter we have around here. Wouldn’t have it any other way…!
Twitter Name: shiosha
Do you have a hidden camera in my house with smell vision applied to your tv?? Jason has had black beans for the past 2 days and my house smells NASTY!!! Great timing lady!
Soooooo funny!!! The fart machine is always the object of many fights when we are at your house! I’d get the 24 pack!
Oh, Lawd do I love this post!
My sophomore year of high school I went to another school’s Christmas dance with my best friend’s older brother’s best friend. (I know, hard to follow, but it was a BIG deal to my 15 yr-old Christian school edjumicated self…)
After the dance my date and I were in the living room at that pivotal moment of deciding how to say good night. Just as he’s leaning in for the kiss, my dad (who’s juuuuust on the other side of the wall on the couch) decides he needs some het propulsion to get off the couch. It was one of the loudest, stinkest farts I’ve ever heard in my life. Hand to God, I could see green noxious fumes wafting into the room. My date’s eyes widened in surprise and he quickly bolted. With no kiss. Thanks, Dad.
Twitter Name: LoLately
Id buy the 24 pack, the kids would love it! Some of their parents might not though. I had this person iin my house growing up but it was my mother! She would (well still does) just let it rip no matter where she was or who was around. There have been plenty of occasions when she farted in the store and told a stranger “you might want to walk away that’s gonna stink”. How I ever ended up with any cuth(or is it couth?) I have no idea.
At this studio where I’m working at the moment, we have a key to the ladies bathroom that has a mini fart machine attached to it. Hilarious!
Twitter Name: littleanimation
It’s like you are sitting in my family’s living room when my brothers, dad, husband, BILs, and nephews are all over. Not fun, but this is HILARIOUS!