I remember my first REAL party like it was yesterday. I was 14 and a freshman in high school. I had long stringy hair, awkward braces and an insatiable desire for boys to like me.
I ended up getting drunk enough on strawberry daiquiris to feel like I was riding on a rainbow of love and freedom but not enough to hurl up my Rush’s cheeseburger.
I tried to play it cool but I discovered early on that I’m the kind of drunk that wants to dance to Lenny Kravitz on the kitchen counter and tell you about the time I peed on my sister in the ocean.
People laughed at me and with me. I quickly learned by trial and error and by keen observation exactly how to be THAT girl.
My goal? To walk the line between fun loving and obnoxious. And to french the guy wearing copious amounts of Drakkar Noir.
Here are my pro tips on how to be a successful attendee to any house party, wedding reception, bar mitzvah, blogging conference or Junior League ball. Take it or leave it. The choice is yours.
- Start pulling people’s pants down at random. Everyone loves that! It’s such a blast!
- Tell lots of knock knock jokes. Extra cool points if they’re about the Bible or your mom.
- Get in the middle of a fight between two dudes and accidentally get elbowed in the forehead. Then that dude who elbowed you will feel bad and want to make out later and then never call you.
- Out the blue, yell: “NO, FOR THE LAST TIME, I WILL NOT KISS YOU FOR A DOLLAR!”
- If you accidentally spill your drink on your hands, wipe it on your friend and say, “Don’t you hate it when you pee on your hands?”
- Find someone you barely know but desperately want to know better and say,”Hey, this crowd is lame-ooo, so I’m just gonna leech on to you the whole time cause you’re my new BFF, okay?”
- If you come across a smoky room with people smoking marijuana out of a traffic cone bong, make sure you ask them lots of questions about how they made that cool bong and where they get the drugs that they smoke. Also, be sure to use cool stoner terms like, “half baked” and “puff, puff give.”
- Talk very closely to people’s faces.
- Pretend to shove the flower centerpiece up your butt.
- Bust into the bedroom where your friend is doing it with her boyfriend and take pictures. Then put them on Facebook.
- Make fart noises with your mouth, and, every now and then, throw a real fart in there.
- Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes. (Never tried this. Mainly because I don’t have a dick, but I hear it’s a real winner).
- Take your pants off and show people how good you are at doing splits and herkies.
So, there you have it!
Aren’t you so excited that I shared this advice? I recommend printing this in bulk so you can hand it out to your local youth organizations. Feel free to forward it to your business associates and memorize it before your next big event.
I guarantee that people will never forget you.