13 Steps To Becoming The Life Of the Party


I remember my first REAL party like it was yesterday. I was 14 and a freshman in high school. I had long stringy hair, awkward braces and an insatiable desire for boys to like me.

I ended up getting drunk enough on strawberry daiquiris to feel like I was riding on a rainbow of love and freedom but not enough to hurl up my Rush’s cheeseburger.

I tried to play it cool but I discovered early on that I’m the kind of drunk that wants to dance to Lenny Kravitz on the kitchen counter and tell you about the time I peed on my sister in the ocean.

People laughed at me and with me. I quickly learned by trial and error and by keen observation exactly how to be THAT girl.

My goal? To walk the line between fun loving and obnoxious. And to french the guy wearing copious amounts of Drakkar Noir.
Here are my pro tips on how to be a successful attendee to any house party, wedding reception, bar mitzvah, blogging conference or Junior League ball. Take it or leave it. The choice is yours.

  1. Start pulling people’s pants down at random. Everyone loves that! It’s such a blast!
  2. Tell lots of knock knock jokes. Extra cool points if they’re about the Bible or your mom.
  3. Get in the middle of a fight between two dudes and accidentally get elbowed in the forehead. Then that dude who elbowed you will feel bad and want to make out later and then never call you.
  4. Out the blue, yell: “NO, FOR THE LAST TIME, I WILL NOT KISS YOU FOR A DOLLAR!”
  5. If you accidentally spill your drink on your hands, wipe it on your friend and say, “Don’t you hate it when you pee on your hands?”
  6. Find someone you barely know but desperately want to know better and say,”Hey, this crowd is lame-ooo, so I’m just gonna leech on to you the whole time cause you’re my new BFF, okay?”
  7. If you come across a smoky room with people smoking marijuana out of a traffic cone bong, make sure you ask them lots of questions about how they made that cool bong and where they get the drugs that they smoke. Also, be sure to use cool stoner terms like, “half baked” and “puff, puff give.”
  8. Talk very closely to people’s faces.
  9. Pretend to shove the flower centerpiece up your butt.
  10. Bust into the bedroom where your friend is doing it with her boyfriend and take pictures. Then put them on Facebook.
  11. Make fart noises with your mouth, and, every now and then, throw a real fart in there.
  12. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes. (Never tried this. Mainly because I don’t have a dick, but I hear it’s a real winner).
  13. Take your pants off and show people how good you are at doing splits and herkies.

So, there you have it!

Aren’t you so excited that I shared this advice? I recommend printing this in bulk so you can hand it out to your local youth organizations. Feel free to forward it to your business associates and memorize it before your next big event.

guarantee that people will never forget you.

About Robin Plemmons

Robin Plemmons is an artist. She makes greeting cards in her own funky handwriting that say things like, "Congratulations on making a human with your genitals!" & "I hope you washed your crotch because I'm about to put my face in it." You can find them in her Etsy Shop. She blogs at ballstothewallyall.com & tweets like a horny hyena. Follow her if you like that kind of thing: @robinplemmons.

Comments

  1. Shannon says:

    Holy crap, I think I threw you out of my last party!

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  2. Jared Karol says:

    Lee Harvey? You are a madman! I wanna party with you, cowboy! I’ve never tried the dick in the mashed potatoes thing, only because I don’t think I’ve ever been to a party where there have been mashed potatoes. I guess I’m going to the wrong parties. Damnit!

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  3. Ali says:

    You know, it’s no wonder nobody likes me. I’ve been doing it all wrong. I owe you a debt of gratitude.

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  4. Loukia says:

    Awesome, thanks. Am printing this out to bring with to study on the plane on my way to San Diego. Surely I will be THE life of the party! ;)

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  5. Nichole says:

    Was No. 6 directed at me? You’re a total jerk.

    (ps I love you.)

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    • What are you talkin’ bout, homey? That was directed at my 22 year old party persona when I was this.close to asking a girl I really liked if we could prick our fingers and become blood buddies forever & ever.

      P.S. Can we be blood buddies? I’ve had all my shots.

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  6. HeatherS says:

    I’m going to pass on your steps (sound advice as they are) and fondly remember my younger years of getting drunk on strawberry daquiris and going weak in the knees for any guy wearing drakkar noir. MMMMM…now those were the days.

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  7. Jen says:

    I was a Preferred Stock girl, myself….

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  8. Christa Willoughby says:

    Robin I almost peed myself about 13 times, I can see all of that happening in my head and even remember some of the expressions that go along with the motions. Still pretty sure you and “fire marshall Bill” could do stand up together! xoxo

  9. What’s a herkie?

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  10. Ann says:

    ‘and here you had me convinced you were the designated driver……whatevs.’Knew I shoulda paid closer attention to that treehouse.

  11. Alexandra says:

    I appreciate the advice, Robin, but only YOU could pull it off.

    No one else.

    Well, maybe Jenny Lawson.

    But that’s it.

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