Mommy needs her mouth washed out with soap. yes, I really DID pout that in my mouth. For the record? IT IS DISGUSTING.
Before I had kids I actually sounded like a classy lady sometimes. Okay, fine, occasionally. I can totally lie about this because most of you didn’t know me before, so let’s just say for the sake of argument that I didn’t cuss. Cussing or swear words made me cringe, honest to Pete. And then I had kids and like most parents I became sleep deprived and grouchy and now I cuss like a drunken sailor. Seriously? Goodfellas have nothing on me these days.
I don’t MEAN to be vulgar, honestly. It’s just that I’m a little Irish and I get my Irish up and there isn’t much one can do about that, now can one? Add in the afore-mentioned sleep deprivation (seriously, y’all? Not a consistent full night’s sleep in eleven years. THANK YOU, AUTISM!) and Zombie-state-related-to-sleep-deprivation and I’m not much fun to be around these days.
Unless you like emotional, roller-coaster-mood-swing, perimenopausal women, then it’s a freaking all-night party. Speaking of all-night party? My eight-year-old likes to have them. Hence, the “not sleeping” part.
Where was I? Right. Cuss words. Moving along…
Things kinda came to a head a few months ago or so, and I’ve been making a concerted effort since then to clean up my language. See, I had just finished my term as President of the Home and School Association and as a rule people prefer not to be cussed at during meetings and in e-mails and whatnot. *eyeroll*. I tried my best to keep it to a minimum or, at least, substitute cutesy fake cuss words.
Like, “effing” for…well, YOU KNOW. That word. And “dang nabbit.” And “sugar.” And “shiz.” And “fudge.” Get it? Fake cutesy ones, too, like *hork*. That sound you heard was my sticking my finger down my throat. Told you I was grouchy, yo.
One night I was tired (go figure) and kinda lazy (not out of the ordinary) and stopped at the local grocery to get one of those pre-cooked little roaster chickens because I am a terrible former vegetarian and now I eat meat. They were on sale for FIVE! DOLLARS! so I got two of ‘em. We headed home, gobbled them down and I turned to put the remains of two chicken carcasses in my fridge.
Now, if you know me, which most of you don’t, you know I constantly try to save time by combining or “multitasking.” Why not put chickens AND condiments AND beverages back in the fridge at the SAME TIME!? BRILLIANT! Except, not so brilliant when you have two dogs! And one of them is old and grouchy and food aggressive! And then, say, you drop one of the Gah-forsaken chickens on the floor and say aforementioned grouchy, old dog is sitting in front of the fridge because something tells her you have dropped food before and…c’mon, you know what’s coming. I dropped the Goll-Darn chicken. And the grouchy old dog zipped out of the kitchen, carcass in her jaws and basically swallowed it whole under the dining room table.
That’s when I screamed,”SHIT!” at the top of my lungs.
Now, a little back story. I have an eight-year-old, non-verbal, autistic child. That non-verbal child says, “UH UH.” and not much else. I knew that since I had a potty mouth, Ian would eventually say something REALLY PROFOUND PROFANE. He comes out with a word here or there but, really, doesn’ t say anything at all.
Until that night, that is.
Yes, my friends, my baby’s first real word was “SHIT.” He spent the rest of the night saying it, too, just to rub it in. Hours and hours of, “Shit. Shit. Shit!” like a little broken record, giggling after every few repetitions. I’m so proud that I’m such a fabulous role model. The good news? He has processing issues, so when he learns a word we usually never hear it again. Yes, this is a POSITIVE thing for a woman with a potty mouth.
At least it wasn’t the Eff Dash Dash Dash word, right? I have that going for me, at least. For now. Or at least until next time, when I drop a steak fresh off the grill.
About Marj Hatzell
Or when you stub your toe. That’s when my kids hear the f-bomb. I can’t help it. It’s so EFFING painful. But, hey, your son said a new word! That’s exciting! I think if my Selective Mutism daughter said, “Shit,” at school I wouldn’t be mad or embarrassed, just excited that she finally spoke inside the school building. Embrace all victories!
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Yeah, I’m not too upset about it, really. I mean, IT WAS A WORD.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
My oldest daughter’s first word was “damn.” She dropped a toy and said it.
I was proud that she used it in the correct context.
Talk to your doctor about melatonin for the sleep stuff. For the kids, that is, not for you. I read a study on blind kids that had a 97% success rate (or something equally unheard of in medical research) so I took it to my doc and said, “can I try it with my kid?” and he said, “why not?” and it’s AMAZING.
Twitter Name: prettybabes
Agree on the melatonin… we give it to my Asperger’s boy, and sleep was a nightmare before that. That being said, it doesn’t always work for everyone…
He takes TEN MGS of melatonin PLUS a sleep medication. And yet! Still awake (for the record, he has a sleepdisorder and is epileptic so hooray for fun!
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Holy smoke, that’s a lot. How long before they’re allowed to have Ambien? :)
I hope you can get some rest. Being sleep deprived sucks.
Twitter Name: prettybabes
Oh my gosh. That’s funny!
Twitter Name: Janie Snelson
I never curse at all. It’s a weird quirk of mine. My wife, meanwhile, learned to curse from hockey players at games she used to go to. Those guys were multi-lingual cursors that could make sailors blush. We’re quite the pair.
NHL’s official first word is “fish” but he had 2 other words he’s said which we’d rather not list as his first word. Once, while changing his diaper, my wife asked him if he was “Booty-licious.” He looked up at us and (pronouncing it perfectly) said “Boo-tee-li-cious!” We were glad B’s parents were there or they’d have never believed us.
The other time, NHL was in bed with us asleep (or so we thought). My wife had a medical program on talking about breast reduction surgery. The doctor on the TV talked about moving the nipple. Suddenly, NHL’s eyes popped open and he shouted “NIPPLE!” Now, the last thing you want to do in this situation is laugh. It’ll only encourage him. So, of course, we laughed. Which made him say his new funny word more. Which made us laugh more.
I’m totally going to use that nipple story the first time I meet one of his girlfriends right after I show her the “NHL taking a tub” photos. *evil grin*
Twitter Name: TechyDad
I wish I had your weird quirk. Seriously, I’m a trash mouth.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Being a non-potty-mouth has its perks. For example, if I *do* curse, the effects of said cursing are multiplied. One day, I decided I was going to get a reaction out of a friend of mine. He knew, of course, that I didn’t curse ever. So, while he was driving, I cursed. And not just cursed, but said the worst curse I could think of. Hint: It rhymes with “hunt.” Yes, I said *THAT* curse! Just blurted it out. He almost drove off the road. I definitely got a reaction from him. :-D
Twitter Name: TechyDad
Being a non-potty-mouth has its perks. For example, if I *do* curse, the effects of said cursing are multiplied. One day, I decided I was going to get a reaction out of a friend of mine. He knew, of course, that I didn’t curse ever. So, while he was driving, I cursed. And not just cursed, but said the worst curse I could think of. Hint: It rhymes with “hunt.” Yes, I said *THAT* curse! Just blurted it out. He almost drove off the road. I definitely got a reaction from him. :-D
Twitter Name: TechyDad
The good thing about SHIT is that it sounds like many highly respectable words, like sheet, and ship, and sheep, and–well, that’s about it. Now all you have to do is come up with the back story to why your kid talks about ships…
Twitter Name: BloggerFather
Genius.
Twitter Name: TalkIsPrimary
BRILLIANT!
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
My son at 3 years old, now 28, corrected me while I was sewing one day. “Shoot” I said knowing he was in hearing distance and he looked at me and said “No Mommy, it’s shit”. I knew I had to curb my cussing at that moment!
But alas, my children are grown and cussing like their dear ol’Mom. Ah yes, I taught them well.
I love you. That is so me. I learned my cussing from my mom and will pass it along to my sons.
Twitter Name: TalkIsPrimary
My favorite cuss word is of course the f-bomb. Luckily, I have curbed it’s usage and mostly ‘damn it’ is what my kids hear. But they hear it a lot.
And when I say it, they correct me. “Mommy, we don’t say damn it. ” Or, “Mommy, it’s not a damn cheeseburger.”
Twitter Name: TalkIsPrimary
Favorite Bill Cosby Sketch: “No Dad, I’m G*d Dammit, He’s Jebus Chr*st!”
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
That reminds me of something my wife said she did when she was a kid. She told her parents “My dollie said goddammit and I told my dollie that we’re not supposed to say goddammit but my dollie keeps saying goddammit.” Her parents couldn’t bring themselves to punish her for foul language. After all, it wasn’t her. It was her dollie!
Twitter Name: TechyDad
I’m actually really excited that your son said his first full word, so what if its a cuss word, its a real word! Yay for him! I too cuss badly and get told about it a lot from other people. Whatever then just don’t talk to me. My 9 year olds first sentence was “mama I shit” when he was 18 mths. My ex was not impressed when I called him so he could hear our sons first sentence, I on the other hand thought it was funny and was proud my boy put it together. I now have a 2 year old that has no problem telling his brother he’ll “beat his ass” and regularly says “oh shit” when something drops etc, but will tell me “don’t say bad words” quicker than shit.
My ten year old said Shit the other day and I said, “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” And he was all, “Mom. PLEASE.” Like, rolled his eyes at me. That should get him into Harvard.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
While growing up, my mothers favorite curse phrase was “chichen shit!”. One day while in the kitchen, she dropped whatever she was cutting in the floor and as she turned around to pick it up, saw my sister and I standing there and was mid curse. It turned into “chicken……chicken.” Funny as everything to my sis and I at the ages of 8 and 14.
CHICKEN! Awesome! We could make that into a curse word, no problem!
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
My son’s been saying that, but for a different reason. A recent Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode had the following interaction:
Goofy: “Hey, Mickey. Guess what?”
Mickey: “What?”
Goofy: “Chicken Butt!”
I’m serious here. Completely not kidding. Of course, my almost-8-year-old picked up on it and began saying “Chicken Butt” at every opportunity. When he saw it got his older brother in trouble, the 4-year-old began saying it also.
Then my older son got smart. Instead of “Chicken Butt”, he began to say “Chicken.” We both knew it was a shorthand for the Phrase-Which-Will-Get-Him-In-Trouble but I can’t punish him for a simple “chicken”, can I? The kid’s too smart for my own good!
Twitter Name: TechyDad
That totally should be mother’s as I only have 1. Sorry grammar nazis!
[expletive deleted]