I’ve never snorted cocaine. I haven’t dabbled with meth. Alcohol is my friend but not my BFFFFF. And porn makes me want to dry heave and pray for people’s overused private parts.
In a discussion about addiction the other day, I felt confident in saying that I was not enslaved to anything tangible. Until my pal informed me otherwise, which resulted in a revelation.
My name is Robin Plemmons and I am addicted to instant gratification via the internets.
Not that big of a deal, right? I mean, aren’t we all in some way? My dependency has steadily grown ever since I got my first “hit” by chatting with a nice Jewish boy from Staten Island on AOL. Then it grew with my obsession with the word game Acrophobia. Then it escalated to the high heavens with the discovery of faceinhole.com.
The rest is history.
It just makes this visually stimulated girl very happy. I take a photo with my iPhone. I fancy the photo up with Instagram. I post it and sometimes people click that little red heart. Sometimes they comment! Sometimes they even say things that make me feel like I’m clever and awesome and not as revolting as I imagine! It’s amazing what the internet can do for your self esteem. Even if it is mostly the chosen parts of myself that I find worthy of displaying.
Being able to share thoughts about my farts and photos of my friend’s gorgeous wedding dress that looks like a big vagina help me stay sane, y’all. The internet feels like big rays of sunshine streaming into my heart. I like the high. And the fact that it doesn’t put me at risk for brain damage, constipation, impotence and psychosis. Plus, no cottonmouth! Although it can give me the munchies.
Here, let me show you what I’ve been toking on recently. Put this in your pipe and smoke it.
As mentioned before, first, there’s my friend Hanah’s Vera Wang wedding dress that looks like a big, beautiful, pink vagina.
And last but not least, if I really need to get drunk on LOLZ and appease my insatiable appetite for uproarious amusement, I turn to this. BEWARE. It is FOUL as hell.
Yaybia?! Sparkle babies?! I am a junkie for the funny. And this shit is FREE, y’all.
I’M SCREWED. Want to help fuel my hankering? Sure you do!
What’s the funniest shit you’ve ever seen on the internet?
I wanna know. No, really. It’s okay to share. You’re not enabling me. My therapist says it’s okay as long as I stay off of Guess Her Muff.
About Robin Plemmons
Um not that I’m trying to actually climb up your butt. BUTT (heehee) I usually look for you or Anissa when I need to pee my pants a little.
Twitter Name: robinobryant
You should climb up Anissa’s butt. It smells like gardenias. For real. Like, I’m not even joking.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
WAAAAAAIT. Have you seen My Drunk Kitchen???? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vl6azn-DzeE
Twitter Name: robinobryant
YES. I freaked, licked the screen & died when I saw it for the first time.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I dunno about funny, but that “What what, in the butt” video is classically funny!
Twitter Name: blondefabulous
I SO agree, Blondefabulous.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
This post. For serious.
YAYBIA!!
I will forever call my “area” a YAYbia. :)
Twitter Name: SugarJones
The Kelly Shoes video still cracks me up 3 years later http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCF3ywukQYA
Twitter Name: izzymom
I’m addicted to the Internet which is sometimes troubling because I’m a web developer and so I need to *work* on the Internet. It would be like giving a sex addict a job touching up the makeup of the naked porn stars between “sets.”
Gotta focus on work… gotta focus on work… gotta focus on – Hey, what year did the Facts of Life debut? I’d better check that out on Wikipedia… And see who’s tweeted recently. Hey, there’s a cool link. I’ll just click that then it’s back to wor– ooh, I’ve got e-mail! And more tweets. And Wikipedia’s led to fifty pages I want to check out… I’ll get back to work right after this.
(If my employer is reading this, this is all parody and I would never actually do this at all. Ever! *whistles innocently*)
Twitter Name: TechyDad
Killer wedding dress! If only I had known about the Clitter 9 years ago, I could have hatched total Sparkle Babies. Damn.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Also, this youtube video cracks me up. It’s not maybe your kind of funny but it made me think of your whole instant gratification thing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk&feature=related
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
This might help clarify the whole drug thing and could also technically qualify as one of the funniest things I’ve seen on the internet
http://www.flickr.com/photos/27737302@N08/5960595819/in/photostream
Twitter Name: Ronald Mattocks
omg that dress. I think I peed a little.
Going to have to say that Rebecca Blacks Friday song as interpreted by a bad lip reader: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GaKaGwch0U
Classic. LOL!
Twitter Name: TheEvilStepMom
Oh. Em. Jizzle. This post is a total Yay(bia)! Hi-larious!
Twitter Name: LoLately
I’ve never met another person admitting to be an addict to Acrophobia. I tell you I don’t remember much about 1998 but I remember lots of Acrophobia. Yeah, I got stuck on that. Rest of the post was funny too. See? There’s my addiction messing with my life again.
Twitter Name: Jess Soete
Why is your blonde friend praying to the pink vagina? (go back and look…see?)
Twitter Name: gdrpempress