"I'm so FRICKIN' happy. I FRICKIN' love being in the car. Buckle me up and DRIVE me somewhere, woman!"
There was a point, just a few years ago, when all three of my children were in car seats. I would open the back door of my car and see nothing but wall to wall Graco plastic and five-point harnesses.
There were days, when our house became unbearably small and even though I knew a trip anywhere would require more sweat than an Iron Man decathlon, I would load the kids up in the car just so they would quit touching me for thirty seconds. I would pack a diaper bag that weighed roughly 40 pounds. There was no way around it: two sippy cups, two snacks, one bottle, diapers in two sizes, a change of clothes for the baby in case she spit up, a change of clothes for the toddler in case she had a potty accident. Toys, my wallet, baby wipes, the list was endless and exhausting.
Five-point harnesses were my friends in those days. I had to do all the buckling and so much heavy lifting that I was at a chiropractor’s office once a week, but still, it was worth it. Once everyone was buckled in, I could sit happily behind the wheel without anyone tugging at my dirty yoga pants. I could almost have a coherent thought as we drove very slowly to our destination. If I popped in a DVD, I could even have a phone conversation with someone who was related to me— talking to non-family members was still a little tricky because eventually one of my kids ended up crying in the background.
But now, my good friend, Mr. Five-Point Harness, has betrayed me.
Sadie, my two-year-old, has MacGyver’s motor skills and she is not afraid to use them. Last week while speeding out of town to a day full of doctor’s appointments for my children, Sadie thought it would be fun to play, “Let’s Unbuckle Our Seat Belts While Mommy Drives Like A Maniac.” I did not think this was a good idea, thus beginning a battle of the wills that raged on for approximately 96 miles.
I pulled over repeatedly and buckled her seatbelt. I scolded. I disciplined. I was mean. I was firm. I was downright scary. Sadie would leave her seatbelt buckled long enough for me to turn off my flashers and get back into traffic then she would unbuckle again.
My mother, riding shotgun, simply shook her head. I was at a loss. It’s not like I could threaten Sadie with, “If you don’t buckle up, we aren’t going to go to your doctor’s appointment.” I realized Sadie needed a five-point harness for her five-point harness and began brainstorming on ways to keep her in her seat.
I wondered if zip ties would work. They would definitely keep her seat buckled but I hated to have to keep an industrial sized pair of scissors in the car to cut them off. And what if I needed to get her out of the car quickly? Zip ties didn’t seem environmentally friendly, either. I would need a new tie every time we got in and out of the car and given my track record hurting myself while walking through my own house, pointing a sharp object at my child to remove her from her car seat seemed like a bad judgement call.
“Maybe I could put a padlock above the chest clip,” I mused.
My mother rolled her eyes. “All it would take is one good bump in the road and she could chip a tooth or get a black eye.”
She had a point, and I still have nightmares that I’m in high school trying to open my locker and I can’t remember the combination. I stare at the lock, panicking while the bell rings, and have no idea what to do. The last thing I need is to have my child padlocked into her car seat when my Mommy Brain kicks in. It’s one thing to be in a tizzy because you can’t get your biology book out of your locker, it’s a whole other matter if it’s your kid. I could just see myself dragging her entire seat into the hardware store, or God forbid, the fire department, to get my hands on a pair of bolt cutters. I continued to think.
Thinking is always easier if you are in Target and sipping a latte, so I continued to think while shopping. I had a flash of brilliance, as I am wont to do, and moseyed on over to the baby proofing products. Angels sang as I found my answer— a baby proof refrigerator latch. Soft? Check. No pesky numbers to remember? Check. Reusable? Check. Easy to release without involving firemen or a hacksaw? Check and check. One butterball stuck safely in a seat? Check.
What is the one thing your kid gets into constantly and have you found a way to use your Mommy Superpowers to thwart his evil shenanigans?
Robin O’Bryant is a stay-at-home-mother to three daughters born within four years, she has recently learned where babies come from and gotten herself under control. Robin survives the drama and hilarity of motherhood by making fun of herself in her self-syndicated family humor column, Robin’s Chicks, which runs 8 newspapers in three states across the Southeast and on her blog by the same name. She writes A LOT, mostly in 140 character increments. (@robinobryant) Her two ah-mazing manuscripts are represented by Jenny Bent of The Bent Agency and are FOR SALE. CAN YOU SEE THIS PUBLISHERS??
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I just transitioned my youngest from a 5 point to a booster. It took us 15 minutes and a wary security guard to get out of the Wal-Mart parking lot. Several brake slams and stopping in the middle of lanes and crazy woman yelling mutely through the windows were involved.
Twitter Name: Im_Wendy
Oh the booster seats are the WORST! They finally figure out how to buckle themselves IN their seats then BAM, you have to move ‘em and they can’t reach the seatbelt. One day I’ll only have to buckle myself, right???? RIGHT???
Twitter Name: robinobryant
yes you will. And it will be an amazing miracle you are thankful for everyday. My youngest daughter is six and as she buckles herself into her seat I sing for joy in my head. It will come and eventually your oldest child will be able to buckle in the youngest.
Small victories.
Twitter Name: aliveutah
This happened a bit when my son was young. Finally, I pulled the car over and made everyone get out and walk (during a hot Philadelphia summer). I knew the walk was only about a mile, so despite protests, I made everyone walk home and I picked up the car a few hours later. He hated that enough to never unbuckle again. He is now 11 and knows the car won’t go unless he is buckled in the back seat.
Vaya con dios! Family planning was not my strong suit, but it gets much easier as they get bigger!
Twitter Name: enzosdelicious
Dang, woman. You are hard core. I think I like you.
Twitter Name: robinobryant
i have that same dream with the locker combination at school! What is up with that?? The sad thing is I’ve been out of school 20 years, still have my old locker lock, and STILL know the combination! 30-12-6 ftw!
That’s impressive! I always wrote mine in my Trapper Keeper because I could never remember it. (Trapper Keeper, damn. There’s a blast from the past.)
Twitter Name: robinobryant
my 4 year old knows how to work those fridgs thingys. i have thought about a fly swatter or a water bottle filled with hot sauce.
I’m not ruling anything out at this point.
Twitter Name: robinobryant
Watch out for the fridge lock . . . we tried that on the actual fridge, and Sam has snapped two of them like toothpicks. Hence his nickname with my side of the family: Bam Bam. Hopefully Sadie won’t be able to get the leverage to do that on the carseat strap!
Twitter Name: PerrinCConrad
Now, I don’t have my own little bundles of joy but I did work as a nanny for several years.
The refrigerator was the target for one little “angel” in our household. He was 2 years old and clearly nursing a burgeoning eating disorder of some type. He would get up at some unholy hour and raid the ‘fridge every damn night. At first we thought it was the dog but the morning we woke him with half a pound of raw ground beef in his bed really surprised us all. We ended up resorting to locking him in his room and then, when he was potty trained and we couldn’t any more, we put a locking packing strap on the whole unit. It was a nightmare. I even slept a few nights with my back against his door so that I’d know when he got up to escort him back to bed. For the record though, car seats could never hold him.
did he have pradder willy?
From what I remember of him and from what I’ve read about it, no, I don’t think so. I suspect an actual eating disorder due to the fact that his, then 7 year old, sister was most certainly anorexic. It’s a long and sordid tail but their parents both had weight problems, she from near constant pregnancy, and he from recreational eating. I’ll just say the whole house was a little nuts and not in a good way. They needed a live in therapist, not a nanny.
then good riddance, i nannied a few not so healthy families, not fun.
Sweet cheezits. I have a lock on my fridge too, just to keep them from climbing the shelves like it’s a ladder.
Twitter Name: robinobryant
I U
Twitter Name: NearlyNQ
Good Luck and I hope it holds! This was always one of my worst nightmares but alas, it turned out that I have anxious children who would never want to be driven anywhere unbuckled. On the REALLY bright side, my almost 6-year-old figured out how to buckle herself into her booster about 1 MONTH AGO and for the first time in 9 years, I am now only buckling myself. I feel SO free. I can’t wait for the day you all can feel the same freedom.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
You give me hope!
Twitter Name: robinobryant
My ass is running to Target pronto to get one of those babyproofing things for my daughter’s seat. She thinks it’s hilarious to get her arms out and wail on her baby brother while Mama’s driving. Imma show her!
Twitter Name: insidedog