Five Ways to Live in a Tourist Town Without Losing Your Mind

I live in a beach town, so I constantly vacillate between thoughts of unbelievable luck and undeniable rage. Beach towns are for sorority girls and worn-out parents; anyone else is just setting themselves up for a day-to-day reminder of the shocking stupidity and pitiful selfishness of your fellow human beings.

And ice cream!

Living here is not unlike life in HBO’s Deadwood – you spend all of your money, traveling from one end of town to the other takes at least four weeks, willingness to barter allows you to negotiate your way out of anything, bar fights are a local sporting event, one family owns the entire town, and all newcomers are considered prostitutes until proven otherwise.

Summer, generally considered to be the best time of year, is continually ruined for me because 1) I don’t enjoy the beach and 2) apparently, I fucking HATE people.

I’m not used to the aimless wandering, forgetting the basic rules of the road, beach umbrella floating in the breeze side of vacations. When I go on vacation, I go on vacation LIKE A FUCKING BOSS. Maps and subway routes are memorized, all activities are arranged beforehand or are spontaneously low-key, and beaches are 100 miles away from wherever I’m going.

The result of being raised in New York by people who were born in New York City is a genetically modified strain of DNA sending the message that being in someone else’s way is THE WORST THING THAT CAN EVER HAPPEN TO YOU IN ALL OF YOUR LIFE. Even on vacation, my goal is to blend the fuck in wherever I go. I wish other people felt the same.

(Am I doing vacations wrong? Is the goal supposed to be to relax, and not ninja-like assimilation into another culture entirely over the span of 3 days?)

Despite the packs of roaming, wide-eyed tourists and my impotent rage, I still need to get to the grocery store every once in a while. Here are five tips for beach town locals for surviving the summer.

1. You basically have to turn into your grandparents.
   Remember how before summer you used to wake up at 7 or 8am, have coffee and take your still sleepy ass to work? That’s over until Labor Day. Your new schedule has you up at 5am, coffeed by 5:30am, and sitting at your desk at 6am just to avoid tourist traffic. You’ll have plenty of time to research new places to live – you’re not leaving your desk until 9pm. Town is basically off limits to you between the hours of 8am-8pm.
2. Backroads are your best friend.
   GPS technology threatens to make once uninhabited back roads jam-packed with out-of-state plates, but it’s not going to happen anytime soon. One things tourists hate is the threat of being off schedule. The other thing they hate is personal encounters with your local wildlife. Even if it shaves 15 minutes off the trip, backroads and rural routes are still widely unused by the masses.
3. You’ll only see friends that live within 2 miles of your house.
   As much as you love all of the wonderful people in your life, you’re probably not going to be hanging out with anyone that doesn’t live within spitting distance. Get used to Skype. Consequently…
4. Get used to drinking at home.
   There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING worse than your local watering hole being filled to the brim with leathery, high-fiving baby men getting sloshed while their family sleeps in a minivan in the parking lot, waiting for Daddy to finish his “dude” time. Get used to drinking on your front porch, just like Bartles, Jaymes and every other old man you know.
5. Move.
   Seriously. If you agree with even 10% of this list, it’s time to get out of dodge.