Chicks Love Tetris

Up until several months ago my life was a perfect model of balance (*cough, cough*)—a model of perfect balance until a certain friend and her husband introduced me to some goofy game, the premise of which involves enraged birds, aloof swine, and flimsy-looking structures begging to be knocked down. Some friends. This game—this stupid, trivial, addictive game nearly ruined me! They might as well have taught me how to “hot rail” a heaping dose of low grade crystal meth, given the effects of this game on my mind.

“Can I get this thing on my Blackberry?” I asked refusing to lift my head from the glowing light of the screen that illuminated my face.

“No,” one of them said. “It only comes on the Android and iPhone.”

Crap. “Oh. That’s too bad. This this is kinda…” I think I meant to finish by saying it was fun, but my voice trailed off as my attention reverted back to toppling buildings and crushing swine.  You stupid pigs. You think you’re so smart hiding behind your walls. Take THAT you smug little punks!

A while later, I surrendered my friends phone, handing it to her through the window as her husband put their car in gear and pulled out of the driveway. The teasing nature of playing that game felt a lot like going to a strip club—you can look and touch, but at the end of the night, you can’t really have any of those girls for yourself. (This is purely an analogy here people.) Then I remembered, “Hey! I can already get this at home. I can have all the fun I want.”

I’m referring to, of course, a popular hand-held device famous for playing music, but with the added feature of a touch screen compatible with my new love of pig killing.  Downloading that game may have been one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. Simply put, it ruined me.  My life of perfect balance was thrown off kilter, a realization I finally came to after spending an entire Saturday and half a Sunday launching birds from a slingshot despite several looming deadlines. So I quit it. Cold turkey (no pun intended).

* * *

Fast forward to late last month. It was a typical day of writing assignments, happy sunshine, and well-adjusted, real, live birds chirping merrily outside when I got an email from my much beloved boss at Aiming Low.  “Would I be willing to put together a few extra posts featuring a Blackberry Playbook?” she wanted to find out.

Well, I don’t know. I’m kinda swamped right now, and I don’t do product reviews.

“I don’t want a product review,” her email went on. “And you’ll get one to try out at home.”

Hmmm. Well, I suppose I COULD find the time somewhere.

A few weeks later the Playbook shows up at my door. Naturally, I started fiddling with all of its features. In the process of sliding my fingers back and forth across the screen, I noticed a folder labeled “games.”

Hmmm, I wonder if… naw. Put it outta your mind Ron. But I tapped the icon anyway, just to make sure.  What I discovered next was a magnanimous let down.

Tetris! Really? I mean, I understand that manufactures pre-load sample items like stock photos of vibrant hot air balloons floating above rich landscapes, and sample songs featuring Michael McDonald-James Ingram duets, but Tetris? Who the hell plays Tetris?

I would soon find out.

The following weekend, I notice an unusual amount of email traffic coming from the Aiming Low discussion group.  “I’m betting this has something to do with that transvestite Go-Go’s cover band they’ve got playing for their BlogHer party,” I thought, opening up my inbox.

“OMG, guys! I’ve been playing Tetris on this Playbook allllll day! This thing is soooo addictive!” the first one read.  This sparked a flurry of similar sentiments from the women also testing the device who all, it seemed, could do nothing but play Tetris.

“I KNOW! My kids haven’t eaten in three days!”

“Totally! I thought it was just me who was addicted to it. I feel so much better.”

“I haven’t done dishes in a week!”

“NEW HIGH SCORE!!!! WOOOHOO!”

*“I think my husband left me? Oh well. LOL!”

Jeezee Pete!

My wife meanwhile, could tell something was up.  “What’s going on, honey?” she asked from the couch.

“Oh, nothing really,” I replied. “It’s just these crazy ladies at Aiming Low are going nuts about playing Tetris on that Playbook thing.”

“Tetris!? I LOVE Tetris!”  She bounded across the seat cushions to get closer as I clicked my way to the “games” folder.  There was a flash in my wife’s eyes. “The Playbook already comes with Tetris on it?!”

My face twisted in an expression of, so what. “Yeah. But I really don’t get what the big deal is.” Frankly, the concept of flipping around colored blocks in an attempt to fit them together for points didn’t sound like a whole lot of fun to me.  Besides, I have my own, more practical version of Tetris: loading cups, dishes, pots, and pans into the dishwasher, the objective of which being to arrange the various shaped items into the snuggest configuration possible yet still ensuring that everything gets thoroughly cleaned.

“You’ve never played, have you?” my wife asked. The incredulous tone in her voice made me sound as if I were a 40 year-old virgin.

I rolled my eyes and opened the much-herald game of Tetris to see what was missing in my life. But then, the screen froze up;  a minute later the Playbook “crashed.” It was a sign. (Incidentally, the Playbook did not crash; chalk it up instead to “operator error.”) Despite my wife’s disappointment, it was just as well as far as I was concerned.  I had more important plans for the Playbook.

Recently, I started on my next book project, one that requires extensive research and oodles of reading. Using the Playbook, I determined could be a big help. With it I could download many of the books I need to read rather than hunting them down in a library or bookstore; I could access online research materials wherever I’m at using wifi hotspots or tethering it to my phone with the Bluetooth connection; and I also found several note taking apps that allow me record new leads and research findings. I considered this a very pragmatic utilization of such a versatile tool.

Relying on the Playbook so extensively for my project means carrying the thing around with me constantly. Because of this, though, I sometimes leave it on the coffee table or next to my bed, a situation my wife perceives as an open invitation to use the Playbook according to her own wants and interests, by which I mean playing Tetris.

This pattern continued for a few weeks until one afternoon when the slight temptation to download a game for myself came over me. Remembering how things turned out with the birds and the pigs; however, I instead cleaned all the “ash and trash” off of the Playbook. This included the virtually useless game of Tetris, a discovery my wife made as I walked into the living room and caught her tapping furiously on the Playbook’s screen.

“I can’t find Tetris anymore,” she said confused.

“Yeah, I deleted it.”

“You deleted it?” Her confused tone changed to a mix of sadness and accusation, as if I had ate the last piece of cake or killed a puppy.

“Yeah. I deleted it,” I said again. “Say, what is it with everyone and Tetris? Is this a girl thing?” There really was no rhyme or reason behind my question—more of a flippant remark, if anything. I think it was based on the behavior I had observed from my wife and the Aiming Low ladies; I didn’t seriously believe a universal connection existed between women and Tetris. Apparently I was wrong.

Credits:
Angry Birds (rovio.com)
Strippers (KJ Porgeter)
Blackberry Playbook (crackberry.com)
Tetris Logo (tetris.com)
Tetris on Playbook (findallvideos.com)
Tetris with Lyrics video courtesy of “Brentalfloss”

*These quotes are based on my recollection and may not be entirely accurate.

Per FTC regulations I am required to disclose I was given a Blackberry Playbook to do serious things with, not play Tetris.

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