Eleven years ago, we built a beautiful home from the ground up on virgin land nestled beautifully against the Wekiva River conservation in Florida. We were proud not only of the majesty of this home, but our extremely clever decision to build on land that would ensure that we would never, ever have neighbors behind our house.
What we didn’t realize at the time was that we were not, in fact, clever, but headed down a soul sucking path that would lead this anti-gun, mostly peaceful couple to contemplate matters such as “exactly what kind of gun is used to shoot at deer?”
Don’t worry, we didn’t actually buy the gun, nor do we intend to kill any deer. The whole search thing really just ended up being an exercise in passive hostility punctuated with feelings of shame and self revulsion at the very end.
See, we were right in that we wouldn’t have human neighbors behind us.
What we do have? Are deer, cranes, foxes, snakes, lizards and bears. Yes, bears.
Oh my.
A week ago, I was sitting at the breakfast table typing away at my laptop when my husband shouted, “BARE! BARE! BARE!”
My first thought was, “Come on, honey, the kids are right here… let’s save that for later.”
Tariq was not, in fact, initiating some crudely thought out attempt to engage in intimate marital relations, but was actually informing me that there was a bear in our backyard. Look, we have cute little signs in our community that have “bear crossing” on them, but I thought that was for show.
It is not for show. It is real. We had a bear in our yard.
A bear. In our backyard. You’re screaming in horror, right? Right? I mean, that is just crazy. A BEAR IN OUR BACKYARD.
I peeked over the laptop, and saw that, yes, a huge bear, bigger than a Great Dane, was moseying up from our front yard and quietly making her way up to the front porch of our house. The bear was walking just past the place where my very small, and might I add, wonderfully delicious looking children were playing literally minutes ago.
Right now, I can hear your thoughts. They are the same thoughts that people express when they walk through our front door and exclaim, “Oh my gosh, we just saw a deer in your front yard.”
You’re expecting me to wax on about the majesty of nature and how we’re so fortunate to be able to experience the gift of witnessing God’s creation right in our backyard, right? Well, clearly, you have not spent over six thousand dollars and hours of research aimed at determining what deers do not like to eat only to find out that they’re basically just big rats that will eat anything even if the books say they aren’t supposed to.
After we bolted down the doors and stopped screaming like maniacs, I thought it might be a good idea to call someone in charge of stuff like this. “Hi, um, I’m not sure if I’m calling the right people, but I just wanted to report that I saw a huge bear walking through my front yard.”
“Oh, okay, I’ll let one of our biologists know. What’s the closest intersection to your house?”
“It’s Blahdiblah and Blah, but, listen, is the biologist going to, you know, make sure it goes back in the conservation area? Because, you know, kids play in our neighborhood and it’s walking around, you know… in people’s lawns and stuff.”
What I really wanted to say was, “Is it a biologist with a stun gun?” I didn’t say that outright because I didn’t want the lady on the other end to think I was an a-hole. You? I don’t mind if you think that because I like to keep it real here.
“Ma’am,” her tone shifted to the most condescending one that human vocal chords have ever produced, “since you live on a conservation area, you are technically in it’s backyard.”
This is an excellent point, of course.
So, lady, what I would like to know is will you be sending one of your biologists out to relocate me to my proper habitat, which is clearly a place that is frog, snake, deer, lizard and BEAR free?!
I’m thinking Manhattan.
The biologist has a moving van, right?
About Faiqa Khan
I’d serve the bear with a restraining order. I mean, we can all be civilized here. Also, her comment is genius. Why didn’t you call PETA? They’d be all over this, just say you were going to mock the bear about it’s appearance and I’m sure they would have taken it away.
Also: I’m secretly jealous, my neighbors look like bears and act like hyenas. I’d rather have a real bear and a deer.
Twitter Name: OhMyBubbles
Totally terrifying, but you have to admit: he’s kind of cute.
I live in NYC. We had a rat in our front yard while I was trying to garden. I think I’d prefer a bear. Fuzzier. More deadly but less skanky vile.
Twitter Name: nystoopmama
Well. The bear is cute, but so are your kids. New York it is! But watch out for the pigeons.
Twitter Name: msmegan
Dear lord, that is WAY scary. Yes, when does relocation of you begin?
We have a crazy amount of wildlife in our backyard too and my husband is being driven to outrageous (and comedic) lengths. No bears, though, so it’s still comedic.
Twitter Name: theflyingchlupa
We have everything you have but the bears. Though last year one of the schools in our district had a bear in it’s schoolyard DURING THE SCHOOL DAY. So I totally should have screamed in horror like you said. I mean, my kids are delicious-looking, too. And we have a chain link fence that divides our “backyard” from the rest of our property which is referred to as “forever wild.” Up until now, I’ve only been concerned with the animals eating my vegetable garden. Now I’m concerned about animals eating my kids. Crap. Thank you for your very informative post. When are we moving?
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
I wouldnt let my kids out!!!
My sister has found a bear in her garage twice. Poor bear had no chance- little sister survived living with me so there really wasn’t a question about who would win.
Twitter Name: thejackb