- Image courtesy of protective-clothing.net
Since I’ve become a mom, my tolerance for disgusting things has risen significantly. Case in point? My children think that depositing their pre-chewed snacks into my open hand is completely appropriate behavior. In fact, my three-year-old, Diego, regularly tastes food, and then, if he likes it, spits it back into his hand to “share” it with me.
Mmmmmmm… Can you feel the love?
Yeah, me too.
It’s mushy.
Meanwhile, my six-year-old, Nino, thinks that an excellent expression of love is farting in your beloved’s face. Followed by waving that love around for increased olfactory enjoyment.
The truth is, I’m not extremely squeamish. But I am kinda surprised that no one thought to mention the relationship between motherhood and biohazard to me before my children were born. Who knows? Maybe it’s just part of the Mommy Code. If we were to be truthful about the intricacies of motherhood, perhaps the species would die out?
At my baby showers people gave me hooded towels and hand-woven booties and talked about the miracle of birth. It was all happy-happy-joy-joy, congratulations on your tiny bundle of love. No one told me before I became a mom that I was going to be dealing with blood borne pathogens, biohazards, and other unknown contaminants on a daily basis.
No one mentioned that my vagina was going to soon become as big as a three-car garage or that I should really take time to enjoy my time alone in the bathroom because it might be the last time I ever used the toilet alone again in my adult life. Or, at least, until my youngest child reaches the age of five.
No one mentioned that one day soon I would be trying to catch this bundle of love’s puke in my very own hands, as he projectile vomits across the room, only because this is most certainly preferable to Wet-Vacing our already nasty, permanently stained furniture and carpets.
From now on, I’m not giving any more hand knit blankets, stuffed animals, rattles, and other useless crap at baby showers.
I’m going to buy each new mom I know a durable all-purpose biohazard suit with a matching hooded gas mask. I even found a website that sells them in bulk for only $5 a pop. I don’t think it would be weird at all. I would be overjoyed if I received a case of 25 of these bad boys, proven to provide serious protection if your job involves crime scene investigation, forensic medicine, laboratory work, or, of course—the daily trials and tribulations of motherhood.
About Naomi De La Torre
Umm….yeah. Mommyhood is looking more and more hazardous by the moment. Hahahaaha!!
The hazards are many, but so are the joys. You’re gonna love it. I swear.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
ROFL. I could’ve definitely used one of these when my kiddos were young!!
I’ll buy you one for the grandkids. It’ll come in handy. I promise.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I definitely wish I had gotten a bio hazard suit and a box of gloves for a gift, I need them on an almost daily basis with 3 kids!
Totally going to get you one of these at your next baby shower. ;)
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Ah… the mushy food of love. Play on (as Shakespeare said). I also get my ears licked on occasion by my youngest. Not so much since my ear wax problem though, it has to be said…
Twitter Name: pocketropolis
I need to read that Ear Wax post!! Heading over now….
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
That may be the best PRACTICAL idea for a shower gift I’ve ever heard of.
Twitter Name: DrCynicism
That’s what I’m sayin!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Me, me, me please. It might get a bit hot in summer but it will help me to lose those baby pounds.
Twitter Name: vbincatalunya
Sending one over right away. Do you prefer camo or baby pink?
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
You might have unquestionably nailed this 1!