The biggest fear of every girl in her 20′s, is her body changing into a mom body. I say that term “mom body” in a general way, because you totally know what I’m talking about. Thick in the middle, and soft all over…all tucked into a round pocket of faded denim. I’m a relatively new mom, 7 months into this game. And I fear it. Every day, I fear that I will hear a knock at my door and it will be the mom body coming to eat me alive.
ATTACK OF THE MOM BODY
You have a baby. You’re like, HOLY SHIT, you’re telling me I can like never put this thing down? How do I watch Real Housewives and online shop?
Answer: You don’t. Guess what else you don’t do? Cook or go to the gym. So you reach your hand into the box of cookies, like, sixteen times a day. The other thirty two reaches are for corn chips. Breakfast, lunch and dinner solved.
4:57… 4:58… 4:59…..WINE TIME. You can’t get to 5pm fast enough to have your pretty purple drank. Dad is home, and he’ll hold the baby while you get some chocolate with your wine. It’s been a long day. HAVE ANOTHER.
If you hear “Row Row Row Your Old McDonald’s This little Piggy” song one more time, you will burn your own ears shut with melted flesh. You need a small bit of happiness. How about nine brownies?!
After your bi-weekly trip to Babies R Us, you’re husband is like, Dude, we have no money (but we do have three thousand onesies), so, no, you can’t buy yourself that JCrew sequin cardigan. Shit. Need to fill that empty hole of sadness? Have a bowl of cereal marshmallows. No, just the marshmallows.
It’s 103 degrees and you just ran up and down the stairs twice to get the laundry and then the baby. You’re sweaty. You can’t wait for baby nap time. It will be you, Ramona and the glorious internet. Wait, should you do your Jillian Michaels video or do your bag of gummy bears that you hid under your pillow?
You do those bears.
That night, you hear a knock at the door. It’s here. It found you. Mom Body. You are tired from your day. You need some personal enjoyment that isn’t “Yo Gabba Gabba.” Mom Body is here to make everything better.
DON’T BE FOOLED BY THE BEAST.
She is evil and attacks before you know it. Keep an eye out for her friends Mom Ass and Mom Thighs. They show up first. Choose your weapons wisely. Like breastfeeding until the kid is in college, that’s about 500 calories a day for 18 years.
GO FORTH AND BE SKINNY.
About Amanda MODG
Oof. Shot to the gut. (The flabby, stretch-mark riddled gut)
Twitter Name: mommafo
Sad but so true!! I was attacked by the mom body last July when I was laid off. I thought that running after a 2 year old would stave off the beast but no luck since she kept running into the kitchen and I had to run in there after her and my hand kept falling into the snack drawer.
Thank you for the warning, too bad it is to late to save me!
I”m currently so stressed about my post-baby body (of 9 months). The other day, someone told me that 98% of women keep the weight on if they haven’t lost it by 9 months. Where did this stat come from? I don’t like it.
I have to mention that the ad for me on the top of the site was M&M’s. Talk about placement.
Twitter Name: igetzan
Bad news, Mom’s of wee ones, It only gets worse once toddlers and preschoolers and their insidious portable “snacks” enter the picture. At least with an infant you never get tempted to triple dip into that sweet potato/breast milk concoction. When you find yourself hiding in the bathroom dipping into your own gummy bear stash so that the kids don’t hear the toddler siren song of candy wrappers (aka, Mommy Vitamins in our home) you know it’s bad.
I have so much to look forward to!!!
Twitter Name: eunicefood4fit
Sooo well said.
HAHAHA! Oh yes, OH YES.
So damn sexy … I figure what the hell … I went to the gym it did nothing except make me angry and resentful … oh and hungry … yeah I have a mom body but y’know what? NO ONE is looking at me anymore … it’s all about the baby …
Twitter Name: mummyinprovence
Ha ha ha! Mine was more a result of working mom body. I do great on maternity leave. But once I have to sit at a desk all day? It’s over.
Twitter Name: midwestmomments
You can defeat the mom body! It takes dedication, hard work, will power, and lots of time. But don’t worry about it until your babies are weaned, sleeping through the night, and potty trained. I finally felt good about my shape by the time my youngest turned 4.
Twitter Name: buzzvibe
I figured that I would combat the Mom Body when my children got old enough to start school (and therefore moderately self-sufficient) and I would theoretically get a fraction of my life back. The problem is that my youngest being moderately self-sufficient coincided with me being on the downslope to 40. Middle aged metabolism is evil.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
The Mom Ass got me. So very sad.
Twitter Name: yogagirl247