Let’s talk cunnilingus.
Not, like, actual cunnilingus. 
I’m talking about the word.
Cunnilingus is just an ugly word. It sounds like something you’d catch from not wearing flip-flops in the shower at the gym.
Example: “I finally went to the doctor because my feet were SO itchy and red. Turns out I have effing cunnilingus and I have to use this nasty-smelling antifungal cream for like a week.”
Or it could be something you cough up when you have a really disgusting chest cold.
Example: “No, I really shouldn’t come to work today, I think I have a fever and I keep coughing up all this green cunnilingusy stuff. I’m pretty sick.”
It could even pass for one of those really stinky cheeses that no one ever wants to touch or smell but that you’re pretty sure the Barefoot Contessa could turn into something totally, amazingly delicious.
Example: “Omg, Barefoot Contessa just made this totally, amazingly delicious looking pastry thing that I’m dying to make, but she used cunnilingus and I don’t think they sell that at Stop and Shop.”
See what I mean?
Great concept, horrible name.
single Guys, on the other hand, get fellatio.
Fellatio sounds like a delicious Italian treat. It sounds like some sort of really expensive, exquisite frozen desert that I want to eat with a teeny-tiny spoon in a small outdoor cafe in Milan.
Example: “You REALLY need to try the chocolate fellatio. It’s totally worth the calories, trust me.”
Are you picking up what I’m putting down?
So I hereby suggest that we do away with the term cunnilingus (ewww) and replace it with a word that will evoke a more positive image. Something more feminine. Maybe even pretty.
Something like…
Petalatia.
Seriously, doesn’t that sound SO much nicer? Doesn’t that make you feel all pretty and breezy and flowery and stuff? It’s way sexier than the grungy cunnilingus (obviously a word invented by some dude who hated women). It’s a word equal in imagery to fellatio.
Plus, it’s a lot easier to spell.
Oh, and Dad, if you’re reading this…I have no idea what any of this actually means.
Jenn Lane Dignan is a freelance writer and mom of two. Her hobbies include cursing, coffee consumption, nose wiping, and pretending she’s gangsta while driving her minivan. She writes at www.playinghouse-jenn.blogspot.com and www.crystalair.com.
About Guest Writer
OMG!! This post is hilarious! I totally agree with you and I dislike the long “C” word just as much as I do the short “C” word! Sorry can’t bring myself to say them! But you know what I am talking about!
My list of words I find disturbing is long…like vulva. Really? That’s the best you could do? VULVA???
Twitter Name: jennlanedignan
I always think of the Christopher Walken SNL skit when I hear that word…Colonel Angus! Hilarious.
Twitter Name: seewhatyoumeme
CLASSIC skit, one of my favorites, written by the great Tina Fey I do believe…
The ladies love Colonel Angus.
Twitter Name: jennlanedignan
OMG, that skit is hilarious. They could barely keep from laughing…maybe we could just start calling it Colonel Angus as secret code…only the cool kids on the dl would know.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Do I still get to be a cool kid if I admit that I think we should make up a secret handshake to go along with the secret code?
Twitter Name: jennlanedignan
As long as it kept us from having to use the C word, I’m in!
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Oh. EM. GEE. You are now my hero. Unless my dad s reading this. Or your dad. In which case…huh?
Twitter Name: BuffiSugarMommy
Exactly! Denial is a beautiful thing. Especially when our dads are involved. I’m pretty sure they don’t know what any of this means either.
Okay, I’ve totally grossed myself out now.
Twitter Name: jennlanedignan
I am distracted by the delicious sound of a Barefoot Contessa cunnilingus pastry thing. Do you have a recipe?
Twitter Name: debontherocks
I’m not sure of the *exact* recipe, but I’m sure there is a lot of butter involved. Oh wait, it’s Paula Deen that’s all pup-tent for the butter…
Twitter Name: jennlanedignan
OMG. You had me at, “Turns out I have effing cunnilingus and I have to use this nasty-smelling antifungal cream for like a week.” MOst hilarious (and true) post I’ve read all week. *snort*
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
And who the hell wants to pay a $20 copay just to be told they caught cunnilingus? NO THANKS.
Twitter Name: jennlanedignan
A restaurant I uses to work at would send the newest cool for a can of fellatio and a bowl of steam.
Twitter Name: heymrswilson
Fellatio…now in a can! If that’s not a winning marketing slogan right there, I don’t know what is.
Twitter Name: jennlanedignan
Shit, Fellatio comes in a can, now? Where can I stock up? No more one eye on the alarm clock. Just unlock a can of that and my work is done? Hell yeah!
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
It does…but you have to go to a special store with blacked-out windows to buy it.
Twitter Name: jennlanedignan
My goodness there are a lot of spelling mistakes in there. uses = used, cool = cook
Twitter Name: heymrswilson
Haaaaaaaaaaaa! Love this! I have pondered the labels of such things myself! Thank you,once again, for putting into words, the thoughts in my brain. Nice to know someone relates! From the comments here, lots of people do!
I can not even put into words how hilarious this is to me!! Why are so many of the words associated with, um, girly, uh, bits/stuff so… icky? :-)
Seriously, it’s a vast anti-woman conspiracy. Although, we do get boobs. I can live with the word boobs.
Twitter Name: jennlanedignan
Vulva is an ugly word. As is cunnilingus. And Pudenda, the correct term for a lady’s outer parts. I mean WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT, did a man name these or what?
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
How about MONS VENUS.
WTF is THAT all about? That doesn’t sound like anywhere anyone wants to go…it sounds like some hilly terrain on some cold, desolate planet. Maybe like two towns over from where Luke Skywalker lived on Tattooine.
Twitter Name: jennlanedignan
Not only is the word fellatio better, all the euphemisms for it are better. I don’t know of any cool slang words for cunnilingus. Except for petalatia, of course.
Twitter Name: LisaACOTA
Petalatia for all!
Twitter Name: jennlanedignan
OMG too frickin’ funny! AND so true!
Jenn, you are such a funny writer! Love it!
LOL! I had never even thought of this but you are SO right :)
Hysterical!
So hysterical! I love this!!
Hilarious! The comments too … OMG this made my morning!
Twitter Name: mummyinprovence
You’re hilarious, love it!!
I’d say your new word but I’m still trying to get my tongue around it.
Plus I’m 12 and can’t help myself.
Twitter Name: penbleth
Omg, Penbleth for the win! “Still trying to get my tongue around it.” Well played!
Twitter Name: jennlanedignan
OMG Just beyond funny!
THanks for making my morning extra special with this read!!!
Twitter Name: zenaliciousmom
Nothing like starting my day with a little talk of fellatio! :-) LOL!
So Funny! I love, love, love your humor!
that was quite funny. though only one thing:
“petalatia” is way too close to pedophilia. maybe you could work off of the word nectar. like nectaromula or nectarlatia or something. could be just me, though.
very clever. great stuff.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Epic. Of course, humorous and completely true, too.
Felatio does kind of sound like something you’d enjoy at a sidewalk cafe. I wouldn’t try that, though…
Twitter Name: SugarJones
Reading this the second time made me laugh even more. I love your sense of humor in your writing.
love it! my vote is for the petalatia…sounds so much more pleasant than the other…
omg. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! If it had a nicer name, maybe Husbter would be more willing to oblige, but he’s more than willing to ask for fellatio!
The nectar beginning sounds a bit too close to necrophilia. Ewwwie!
Twitter Name: LoLately