If pregnancy were a book they’d cut the last two chapters – Nora Ephron, Heartburn, 1983
I’m so excited I want to shout it from the rooftops! After years of waiting, wanting, hoping and pleading I am finally going to experience the the joy of a new baby! I am going to be… an AUNT.
It was made known to us with a FedEx package containing two small pink t-shirts, one for each of my daughters, with the phrase, “I’m going to be a cousin!” I’ll admit that at first I had no idea what it meant. My husband’s sister has two sons who are older than my kids and as far as I knew she had no intention of becoming a mother for the third time. It made no sense. Who sent us this package…
That bitch! I said once I realized it was from my sister, the one I had given up on ever having kids. The one who would take no offense to my verbal outburst because, well, she’s my little sister and I call her “Dirtbag” as a sign of affection.
After confusion gave way to incredulous, which gave way to eventual excitement and happiness, the full extent of what was happening hit me. My baby sister was going to have a baby of her own and I, as her big sister and surrogate mother of sorts (our mother passed away seven years ago), was responsible for advice on the care, feeding, all things gestational and otherwise of babies and pregnancy.
This was going to be fun.
When dealing with the newly pregnant, there’s a fine line between advice and freaking a woman right the fuck out. Where to find the best maternity clothes, baby gear, etc.? Good advice. Scary stories of weight gain, severe nausea, the eighth and ninth months of pregnancy, birthing horrors, after the birthing horrors, sleepless nights, the terrible three’s and all that? Maybe too much information. Or is it?
How many times have women said, I wish someone had told me about [insert what ever this might be] before I went through it? I know I said that more than once, but I’m one of those people who like to know exactly what’s going to happen down to the last nasty bit. I like to be prepared and, honey, please don’t worry about stressing me out because I do that just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch.
My sister was there with me in the delivery room, twice. She’s seen some of the aforementioned nasty bits and she still decided to procreate. The way I see it, the kid gloves are off. But I still stop myself from sharing when reliving certain parts of my final months of pregnancy and the first few months of motherhood. Maybe it’s instinctual, something passed down for hundreds of years – a survival of the species kind of thing. Protect the mother to a certain extent or she may never have another child.
Not that I’m expecting another niece or nephew or anything… Ahem.
What about you? What would you or wouldn’t you tell a pregnant woman? What advice/stories would you keep to yourself?
About ChickyBaby
Hoo boy. I appreciate tips on baby gear and maternity clothes and birth options, but not if it’s presented in a “you MUST get this or else your baby WILL perish” kind of a way… which, I guess, is just my way of saying, if you have no regard for people’s personal choices and think the way you did everything was the only way, please shut up.
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
I had the kind of pregnancies that soon to be moms love to hear about and other mothers want to kill me over (zero sickness and 3 hour labor, anyone?). And I love talking about myself and my kids (especially as far as pregnancy goes!). So basically, ask me about pregnancy or whatever and you are going to get the full monty detail wise. Times three because I have three kids and they are all different, precious snowflakes – even in the pregnancy delivery stage.
I guess what I’m saying, is people probably don’t want to ask me this question, cause you’d be here til Sunday.
Twitter Name: lonek8
you suck. just kidding, but you are right, moms who had tough, crappy pregnancies will hate you for gloating, I mean, um sharing your experiences. Glad yours were good though. I’d never begrudge anyone a joyous pregnancy. Unless she was a bitch in the first place.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
lol. As much as I love talking on and on and on about the details of each pregnancy and birth and whatnot, I actually dread when I’m in one of those conversations with other moms because I don’t want them to think I’m bragging. it’s not like I had anything to do with it going well for me.
And lest you hate me too much, I’ll throw in that I completely failed at breastfeeding – so my kids are all formula fed zombies. :-)
Twitter Name: lonek8
Okay, I nursed my first child for a whole year. But I got diagnosed with stage 2b breast cancer while pregnant with my daughter, so she, too, is a formula fed zombie (what with breast milk loaded with toxic chemo chemicals not being good for infant development). Lol!
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Formula fed, breast fed, shot out of a canon vagina or forcibly pulled out… I think we all deserve a medal. You guys are awesome. Thanks for sharing your non-advice!
Twitter Name: chickybaby
No one wants to hear from me…my daughters were born at 28 weeks and 30 weeks gestation. So REALLY, no one wants to hear from me. But it doesn’t stop me from talking about it. :)
MA, I didn’t know you were here! But you don’t share that with new about-to-be moms, do you?
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Hey Heather…I didn’t know you were here either! Actually I only found this blog, via another, a couple of weeks ago. Anyone who really knows me knows my story anyway, but I don’t feel compelled to share it with strangers…unless it’s a someone who has already shared that she’s having similar issues (pre-term labor or the risk of). Then people actually are somewhat relieved to hear my story because it ended well. And if it’s someone who’s past where I was and is having issues, it definitely makes them feel better. So I guess in some cases, they do want to hear about it.
That having “relations” after a natural birth is like throwing a pickle down a bowling alley. No amount of kegels can fix that!
My daugther was full term, perfect labor and delivery. Pushed for 15 minutes and everyone was happy. My son tried to come at 30 weeks and after a month in the hospital on bedrest I had him at 34 weeks followed by a month in the NICU. My best advice would be “Be open to change!” You can have an idea of how you want everything to go and even make a birth plan if you want but things happen. You’ll want drugs, they will have to cut you open, or your baby will be impatient and pop out early. Dont beat yourself up if things dont go the way you planned ;)
I told my sister to make a birth plan… and then tear it up and throw it out. She didn’t see the humor in that.
Twitter Name: chickybaby
The most frequent thing people said to me when I was pg was, “Enjoy every second! It goes by so quickly!”. So when I was presented with a screaming ball of crazy and had NO IDEA how to get her to stop crying , and was so sleep deprived I was hallucinating, and actually WANTED it to “go by so quickly”… it made me feel like a shitty mom. Like I was some terrible person for not “enjoying every second”.
I really, REALLY wish someone had the balls to say to me, “Tracy, the first two months are going to SUCK. It’s like boot camp, and you’ll barely make it out alive. But it gets better. You will sleep again one day, and she will stop crying (and so will you).”. So now, I tend to be a little bit more honest when people ask about newborns.
I had a cousin who told me how excited she was to give birth so she could have a “break from work and get some rest”. I laughed in her face (in a kind way, of course).
Twitter Name: nystoopmama
I had really easy pregnancies and deliveries so I try to always share that those can go well, because we always hear about the horror stories.
I had a really difficult time after my first son was born though. I didn’t feel an immediate connection to him, nursing was rough and I thought I had just entered a new hell. I wish someone would have just let me know that sometimes it can be rough after, to talk to people and to know that that particular type of horrible doesn’t last forever after you have kids.
There’s just lots of different types of horrible, but you’ll eventually get to a place where there’s a lot of good too.
congratulations to your sister!
Twitter Name: themommytherapy
“Be open to change” is probably the best advice here. There is _nothing_wrong_ with a cut-out-and-keep baby!
Good advice that we received was “Don’t make any decisions in the first 6 weeks”. You’re just not right in the head. The good thing about the first 6 weeks is that they more or less last for around 6 weeks or so, then they go away.
The other good one is “Don’t think of your baby as a person, think of your baby as weather”. Just because it was sunny yesterday afternoon at this time, doesn’t mean it’ll be sunny again today. Baby weather. Normal.
James
When I was pregnant I always hated the “sleep while you can” advice. Sleep in the last few months is hard to come by and I wanted to punch people who acted like it was just so easy. But now that I’m on the other side, I find myself giving the same advice. Hehe!
I fully encourage people to create a Birth Preferences Plan but only because it will force you to know your options and think through what you’d prefer under certain circumstances (i.e. induction, c-section, etc.). But always keep in mind that birth is unpredictable and your best tool is going to be an ability to surrender to the birthing process however that goes (but always said in an empowering way and not in a way that implies that I doubt the mother’s abilities!). I wish someone had told me to be gentle with myself both during the birth and during the new born stage. Things don’t always turn out the way you planned.
I always try to present any advice I give in a “this is how it happened for us/what worked for us” way because the most important thing I learned in those early weeks was that every baby is different, every mother is different, and every day is different.
Oh and one more thing! I always try to tell people that bonding is something that happens over the course of days, weeks, months, and years. If you have that movie moment when the baby is born and you fall instantly in love, AWESOME! If not, it’s OK!
Because I have three kids, folks assume I am a good person to ask for advice. The truth is, I still don’t have a damned clue what I’m doing.
My best advice is to think through what you want (birth plan, nursing vs. formula, co-sleep vs. bassinet in the room vs. separate room) but be totally prepared to throw it away. Two of my kids were c-section babies and one via vaginal delivery (with an epidural). Two of my children were exclusively formula fed, one nursed until 11 months. Two slept in a crib in the nursery from day one, one slept on my chest for the first two months of his life. One has a full fledged baby book, one has a bunch of pictures in the family photo album, one can only document his babyhood if he logs onto the computer- no hard copy pictures are anywhere to be found!
Every kid is different, and as long as they are fed and clothed and sheltered, no method of child bearing or parenting is wrong.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
The absolute and utter brain fry of the first six weeks after the baby is born. I had to shut myself in the bedroom alone and cry when my hubby got home each night or I would never have survived. And the constant touching if you breastfeed. I couldn’t STAND it if anyone else tried to touch me after all that holding and breastfeeding. I still am not over that – I used to be a hugger. Now? Not so much.
Twitter Name: mommylisa
My two pregnancies and births were years ago (23 and 25) but I still remember them with the same clarity as if they were 2 years ago. Please don’t hate me because I had perfect pregnancies (I never even vomited once) and felt awesome and beautiful (it helped having a husband who frequently told me I was awesome and beautiful). The births were fast and relatively easy, with nary a drug needed. I felt like the 20 minutes of pushing was long, but I was told by other mothers that they WISHED they only pushed for that long. With baby number 2 I actually looked at the clock so I could accurately time the pushing. 8 minutes! And that was with a 9-1/2 pound girl!
The advice I ALWAYS give to first time preggies is that yes, childbirth hurts, but it can’t be completely horrible because an awful lot of women sign up to do it again (and again and again for some moms.) But I’ve NEVER known anyone who’s been shot by a gun to volunteer to do THAT again. :-) I think it’s cruel to tell them horror stories about pregnancy and childbirth because it really isn’t that horrible for everyone. Why make them worry about it when there’s nothing they can do about it when the time comes.
Very little actually. I think advice is worth the paper it isn’t written on. The thing is, the baby can’t read the baby advice books or understand what is being said so it doesn’t know how it is expected to behave. This usually means babies get on and do their own thing, not knowing there was a script. I hated people butting in and telling me what to do so when my sister had her first I gave her no advice. Now she’s about to have her third so I think my help must have been invaluable.
Twitter Name: penbleth