When I was maybe ten or eleven, I had a sleepover with a good friend of mine. When we went to the kitchen to eat our breakfast, I poured Cheerios into my bowl. I added milk, sprinkled on a few spoons of sugar, took a bite, and spit the whole thing across the kitchen table.
some things are not the same
I wasn’t trying to be rude or funny. It was just that what I thought was sugar was actually salt. Oops!
Another time in college I came home drunk to my apartment at about 3a.m. (just once though, I swear). I took out my keys, fumbled with them for a few seconds, finally got the key in the door, tried to turn it, cursed really loudly that it wouldn’t turn, banged on the door over and over, yelled at the top of my lungs for my roommates to let me in, and fell into the apartment with a thud. A nice young lady then opened the door and said, “What the fuck are you doing? It’s three in the morning? Can you go home now?”
I looked at the door more closely. Room 214? Oops! I lived in room 314, one floor up, directly above.
These mistakes, in my opinion, are acceptable ones because the things being confused—salt for sugar, room 214 for room 314—are similar in nature. And given the circumstances—unfamiliarity and drunkenness—they are probably not that uncommon.
Some things, though, just aren’t that confusing.
Here are some conversations that have probably never happened:
“Hey, could you please pass me the beets?”
“Those aren’t beets. That’s a bottle of Vodka.”
Or. . .
“Wow, that’s a snazzy looking car you got there!”
“Actually, that’s a refrigerator. But thanks.”
Given that some things are acceptably confusing and others aren’t, I am still amazed by the number of times that I have had conversations similar to this one when I’m out and about with my twins:
“Oh, how cute. Is that your son?”
“Yes.”
“Isn’t he adora—oh, wow! Another one! Is this yours too?”
“Yep! Both mine.”
“Wait!—“
“Waiting.”
“Are they? Twins?”
“Yep!”
“Wow! You’ve got your hands full, don’t you?”
“Sure do.”
“Boy and a girl?
“Yep.”
“Are they identical?”
“They’re a boy and a girl.”
“Are they identical?”
“They’re a boy and a girl.”
“Are they identical?”
“They’re a boy and a girl.”
This is NOT a picture of Lake Michigan
This is where we awkwardly stare at each other, offer polite smiles to one another and then I usually try to awkwardly yet politely explain the anatomical impossibilities of boy/girl twins being identical. After some “ah-hah”s, some “riiight”s, some looking at the ground, some shuffling of feet and some excuses to go do something else, the scene usually ends with an equally awkward and pseudo-polite departing of ways with me muttering under my breath if I’m in a tolerant mood, “maybe they’re just not as familiar with the world of twins as I am,.
If I’m in a normal mood, I mutter, “WTF is wrong with you? How can a boy be identical to a girl? Have you ever seen a penis identical to a vagina? Have you ever confused a golf club with a bowl of soup? Have you ever accidentally put your hat on your butt? Have you ever said, ‘hey, isn’t that the Empire State Building?’ only for your friend to say, ‘actually, no, that’s Lake Michigan?’ No, you’ve never said or done or thought or confused any of those things. Because those things aren’t confusing.”
To recap then, the morals of this story are:
Sometimes we can be legitimately confused.
Some things aren’t confusing.
Some people are idiots.
About Jared Karol
BAHAHAHa…. Awesome :)
Twitter Name: mommafo
thank you. . . glad you liked it!
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
My boyfriend is part of a boy/girl set of twins. Sometimes the easiest answer is “yes, of course they’re identical” because if they didn’t get it in HS biology, they’re not going to get it now.
Yes, that IS a good strategy. I think I might have to start going that route. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
That? Is fucking hilarious.
Twitter Name: dogsarehome
It IS pretty funny (Not saying I’m a funny writer, but the subject matter). I’m glad you found it so. Isn’t it funny to say hoo-ha too?
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I can almost hear some people I know asking that.
Twitter Name: penbleth
Yeah, but do you know anyone that would try to convince you that it could actually be true? Now, THERE would be some people to know. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
My daughter tried to explain to me how she goes to camp with twins “who are identical except a boy and a girl.” I then tried to explain what identical twins means and the whole biology thing and eventually ended up saying, “Well, that’s nice.”
Twitter Name: ladyjess78
That is hilarious: “Well, that’s nice.” Sometimes that IS the best way to communicate with young children, isn’t it? Or with some adults, I guess. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Uh…my ex announced that my (girl) child was a boy when she was born. In his defense, when they are fresh out of the oven? Sometimes things are …swollen. That and he’s kind of a moron.
Also, common sense says that boy/girl twins cannot be identical. Don’t need high school biology to know that. Best thing to do is smile and nod and escape as quickly as possible when dealing with not-so-smart people.
Twitter Name: minnesotajoy
Aren’t all exes morons? :) Yes, I have used the escape route strategy many times. It’s definitely come in handy!
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Scene – a JCrew with a mom ( trying to make a return) and three kids, twin boys age 2 strapped very unhappily into a stroller and a girl age 5 trying on all the jewelry in the store.
A pleasant JCrew sales-lady attempts to make faces and and entertain the screaming two year olds. Mom thinks “thats nice, thank you for trying”
sales-lady – “How are old are your children?”
me – ” my daughter is 5 and my boys just turned two”
sales-lady -”So they are twins?”
me – ” Yes” (while frantically trying to conduct the transaction with the other sales lady behind the counter who is not as entertained by the screaming and reorganizing going on by my daughter)
sales-lady – ” Really?”
me – ” Uh, yeah?”
sales- lady – “Are you sure because that one looks a lot bigger.”
me – incredulous stare and lowering my sun glasses so I can eye roll in private. oooookkaaay then.
Go back to steaming shirts lady
Scene – Airport
Waiting for husband to come back after dropping off car. taking a LONG time. Same kids. Same two year olds dressed ALIKE in blue lacrosee themed polo shirts and khakis.
Nice elderly lady ” Oh so cute are they twins?”
me – ” Yes, they are twins. thank you” smile
Nice elderly lady – ” Are they both boys?”
me – incredulous smile ” Yeeess, they are boys.”
looks down and her sons to see if her daughter put a pink hair bow or headband on one of them while I wasnt looking. She did not. Both still wearing identical blue lacrosse polo shirts.
Weird Elderly lady – ” Oh that one looks a little more feminine”
me – “Oh, thank you? have a nice day”
WHY ARE PEOPLE SO DUMB AND WEIRD?????
For the record , yes one of my sons is five pounds heavier that his bother who is still 37 inches and 30 lbs. (95 percentile, not small) and one of them does have a rounder face and slightly wavier hair but REALLY PEOPLE. REALLY?
These stories just confirm that far too many people think it’s okay to not only engage you in unwanted conversation but think that they know more than you about your own children. It’s a fairly common disorder affecting a large portion of the population. No cure has been found yet, although I hear there’s a lot research being conducted.
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
LOVE it!
I have boy/girl twins, too, and this happens to me everywhere I go. I call these people Twin Groupies because they flip out when they find out you have twins. It’s such a novelty for them. I picture them as Disney cartoon animals that do flips when they can’t contain their glee. The “Wait…”/”Waiting.” part is brilliant because I know exactly what you’re talking about. It’s the Twin Groupie Backflip Wind-Up.
When I find myself in this situation, I like to try different responses just for my own entertainment. One of my favorites is, “Yes, they’re identical, except for the penis and vagina.”
I also find that Twin Groupies are often disappointed to discover that your twins are not identical.
Often, it goes like this…
Groupie: Are they…IDENTICAL????!!! :D
Me: No. They’re fraternal. They’re a boy and a girl.
Groupie: Oh, well THAT’S okay! (in a sing-songy, hand-on-shoulder tone)
It’s as if they’re saying, “Oh, you don’t have the better kind of twins that will make me do my Disney backflip, but that’s okay, I’m sure you’ve already dealt with that disappointment by now. Better luck entertaining me–which the most important thing in the world–next time you try to have kids.”
It’s okay, though. We’re doing our part by doubling our good genes in this new generation with our twins, while many of these people are reproducing in singletons.
We shall overcome.
Twitter Name: twinfamy
Yes, I have found that twin groupies are a very common phenomena. It’s like they forget (or don’t think about) that just cuz there’s two of them that happen to be the same age that they’re not real people, and that you’re not a real parent. The not-as-often-as-I’d-like ocasions when I’m out with just one of my kids, I don’t get nearly the recognition or approaches as when I’m with both. And, since I’ve had twins, I’ve found that there are twins everywhere–the hair stylist, the guy at the grocery store, the bartender. . . I think twins may have overcome already!
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Yeah, I’ve felt the same way. I often refer to my family as a traveling circus because that’s how people seem to see us–that we’re not real people, we’re here for their entertainment. It’s like their lives are so boring that they drink in these “Twincounters” as exciting occurrences. I envision them later being asked how their day was and them creepily recounting seeing the two most adorable identical boy/girl twins in the world at Target and that they think one of them may even have smiled at them when they made a goo-goo sound that in reality scared the piss out of my shell-shocked kids. They’re just THAT excited.
When I’m meeting my wife at the store, I’m often tempted to just shout out “Where are the adorable twins?” once I walk through the doors instead of calling her. It would take about the same amount of time.
And yes, now that I’m a twin parent, I’ve started to notice twins everywhere, as if I’ve now been initiated into a secret society, getting nods from people I’ve never met before as I push my tricked-out double-stroller through the mall. I’m particularly interested in a hooded cloak if they’re available. If you’re not supposed to talk about it publicly, that’s cool. Just shoot me an email.
Twitter Name: twinfamy
I totally know what you’re talking about with the “Twincounter.” Depending on my mood, I can either be amused or annoyed by the thought process. I think you just gave me an idea for a fictional story, ala Hubert Selby’s “Requium for a Dream” (the mom watching game shows). . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Haha, love the story idea. Might I suggest the title, “Requiem for the Lame”?
Twitter Name: twinfamy
I think that sounds ready to print already! :)
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I don’t have twins, but everyone thinks I do. I’m sure it’s the double-stroller and all them being about the same size. I get very tired of saying, “No, they aren’t twins. He is 2 years older but since he has Down syndrome he is smaller in stature.” F that. Now sometimes I say, “Yup,” and then giggle to myself all the way home. I also turn it on them. A surprising number of the “Are they twins?” askers are either twins themselves or parents/grandparents/siblings of twins.
Obviously, the people that don’t understand that boys and girls can’t be identical are probably not twins or parents/grandparents/siblings of twins. I hope.
My other secret joy is that because my daughter picks her own clothes, and usually picks her brother’s hand-me-downs instead of something frilly that a grandma sent her, people think she’s a boy. My son, on the other hand, has been mistaken for a girl since he was a baby. Maybe people are trying to understand why a kid with Down syndrome can be cute? Must be a girl. I love messing with their heads when they start in with the wrong pronouns & I don’t correct them outright, just use the proper ones. Silly nosey ninnies.
Twitter Name: kyouell
Silly nosy ninnies is right. . . When my twins were really young (like under six months old) and before I realized all the attention I would get because of them, I used to engage in these type of conversations and actually people about their kids, but since then I’ve learned to just shut up and smile politely. I guess not everyone has taken that route, huh?
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I had a friend whose husband desperately wanted her to have twins. All he kept saying throughout the beginning of her pregnancy was how twins run in his family so he wouldn’t be surprised if she was pregnant with twins. And when I asked, “But you do know your genetics don’t have anything to do with getting her pregnant with twins?” he just kept replying, “But they do run in my family.” Okay, dude, you must have some SUPER SPERM.
Some people DO know everything.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Yes, that is amazing–both the super sperm, and the insistence on the dude’s part. How my wife got pregnant with twins is because we decided to do it twice on the night of conception–which makes it even more amazing that our boy/girl twins are identical.
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I’m currently 13 weeks preggo with twinners (“The Parasites”) and already my mother-in-law is insisting twins run on my husband’s side of the family. I tried to explain the biology, as well as the fact that we were on fertility drugs, but I gave up. Now she’s onto predicting gender by how fat my face and ass will get. According to her, girls steal your beauty in utero by giving you a fat ass and having you retain water in your face. I asked her if I have boy/girl twins, if only one of my asscheeks will get fat.
We all laughed, because that’s all you can do.
Ah, in-laws. . . so fun, yes? It’s all just a fun and silly game to some people, isn’t it? With no logic or common sense used when making up the rules. That would look pretty cool, though, if just one ass cheek got fat. And congrats on the twins! Despite the nonsense conversations you’ll be sure to have for the next twenty years, they are a lot of fun!
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
That’s even worse than when I had my son dressed in camo overalls his grandpa gave him paired with a set of the littlest work boots ever and someone came up ans said “Oh what a cute little girl.”
Very funny post.
Twitter Name: dragondream
This all should just be a reminder that it’s better to shut up and be thought a fool then to open your mouth and remove all doubt (didn’t someone famous say that?). . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Stupidity really should be painful. Great (funny) post though. I suppose without stupid people what would we blog about…
That IS true. I’ve been taking advantage of stupid for many years. . . lots of fodder. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
A friend of mine with fraternal twins (girls) often gets questions about how they were conceived. “Oh, did you do in vitro? Did you have fertility issues? Please tell me about your sex life.” Not sure what makes people think this is any of their freaking business. It’s like they think only identicals are conceived “naturally” and all others are suspect.
The conversations you’re describing sound like some of those I’ve had with people about my daughter, who is Vietnamese (adopted at 5 months old). I, too, get the Disney Flip when people see a caucasian mom with an asian kid.
“Oh, it’s so great that you adopted her. She’s so lucky. You saved her life.” No, I didn’t. She would have had a life in Vietnam, too, albeit a different one. I didn’t adopt her to be a great humanitarian. I just wanted to be a mom. And I’m pretty sure I’M the lucky one.
“Do you know anything about her real mom?” This is none of your business. And I’M her real mom.
“Does she speak English?” Yes, she’s been here since the age of 5 months, and she’s four now, so I’m pretty sure she speaks English.
“I bet she has an accent, though, doesn’t she?” Well, no, because she learned to speak English here, just like you did.
“Does she speak Vietnamese?” No, moron, she does not speak Vietnamese. She came home at FIVE MONTHS. I don’t speak Vietnamese, so why would she?
“Is she bilingual?” My favorite response to this is “Yes. She speaks Spanish.”
And FWIW, I’ve never had any association whatsoever with twins, and I’m aware that a boy and a girl can’t be identical. You’re much kinder than I in giving people the benefit of the doubt!
Wow! The questions and assumptions that people think they have the right and gall to ask and think! It’s a strange phenomena that I think someone mentioned above–people just pretty much forget that we’re talking about really people here (kids and parents) with real feelings and lives with the very real possibility that many of them don’t want to share their intimate personal details by answering gawky questions from idiotic strangers. Weird world we live in, huh?
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I get asked if my middle two are twins a lot. They do look the most alike out of the four, and they are the exact same height. (They are 18 months apart in age)
It’s amazing to me to see how crestfallen people get when I tell them “no”. Or my other favorite response: “Really???” and they look at me skeptically. Like maybe the kids did both come out of my vagina at the same time and I just forgot.
Twitter Name: midgetinvasion
I know that response when they’re crushed because their view of how YOUR world should be was incorrectly perceived. And, that’s got to be a post: Things that have come out of my vagina that I’ve forgotten about. . . I can’t wait to read that!
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I have a twin sister. (Fraternal; I’m female too.) We were always as different as night and day: Fair skinned and olive skinned. Light hair and dark. Hazel eyes and brown. Taller and shorter. Even right and left handed, for God’s sake! And people insisted on “mixing us up” and calling us by the wrong name! “Oh, look! It’s the twins! Which one are YOU?” They aren’t even matchy-matchy names – her name’s Sandra.
People are idiots when it comes to twins.
Why is that? People being such idiots, that is! We originally had a different name for our son that I really liked but it started with the same sound (although different letter) as our daughter’s name, and so we nixed it. Didn’t wanna get anywhere near matchy-match. I guess it might not have mattered anyway. Some people are just looking to get confused. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I was always really grateful to my parents for not going with matchy names. We were obviously NOT a matched set from birth. My mom told me not too long ago that she had pictures taken of us at hospital – they were in B&W and she never showed them to anybody because I (the olive skinned baby) looked black in the pictures!
You kids will be grateful you didn’t go matchy too.
Yes, even though I really liked the discarded name, everyday I’m glad we didn’t. When my father-in-law kept bugging us about names before they were born, we had him sold that we were naming them Timmy and Tammy. Maybe we should have gone with that. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I was friends with a mom of triplets when we lived in Florida and I was SHOCKED at the stupid, nosey, dumba** questions and comments people would ask. Are they identical (one girl, two boys), bet you’re exhausted, how’d it happen, how can you affotd so many kids, and on and on. I guess it takes all kinds to make the world go round.
Yes, all kinds indeed. We met some people in the NICU who actually DO have identical twin girls–five days older than our kids. I wonder if it’s any easier for them. “Are your twins identical?” “Yes.” “Oh.” Or something like that.
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
When my daughter was an infant, we often dressed her in neutral colors, and she was sometimes mistaken for a boy – no biggie, happens to most babies. I wasn’t offended at all when people would ask, politely, if she was a boy or a girl.
I was offended, however, when some woman on the street said to me, “if you got her ears pierced, people could tell she was a girl.”
Right, as if you care about making it explicit for any ole’ yahoo to know the sex of your child. Maybe if you punched her in the face, people could tell she got beat up. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I agree with the option of saying but of course they are. Then leave them scratching their heads (or wherever) when they try to figure it out later!
Twitter Name: goodgirlgonered
Yeah, I really need to screw w/ people more often!
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
wow…Jared Karol not only a father but a father of twins?!?!? Its almost too much for me to process. Great to get a quick peek into your life. If you and the crew ever make it up to Seattle id love to introduce you to Team Weaver…two girls and a boy!
your ex-roommate from Room 314…not 214. One floor up. Hahahaha…I remember that!
DW
David Weaver! What a pleasant surprise. I’ve been trying to find you for a while, but your common name makes it impossible! I’m glad you found me. Ah, yes, the days of Tropicana Gardens. Something tells me that that incident wasn’t a one-off, but that it happened many times (to many of us). Glad to reconnect! Would definitely love to see the fam!
Twitter Name: lickthefridge