Before I had kids it never occurred to me that I was losing certain inalienable rights such as the ability to:
- Use the bathroom in private
- Eat my own food without having tiny people use it as a play gym while I attempt to shovel it in my mouth as fast as humanly possible
- Watch television programming that doesn’t include cartoon characters with oversize heads who insist on talking to me directly and asking me to perform ridiculous and impossible tasks such as identifying shapes and colors (which I am CLEARLY no longer capable of doing now that I am living on 2.5 hours of sleep per night)
For example, just the other day my family and I were eating breakfast at a little taco shop we love. As expected, I had to use the restroom. Also as expected, my three-year-old son Diego wanted to go with me.
So I head into the bathroom with my pint-size sidekick in tow. Just as I sit down to do my business, Diego begins to take rapt interest in what I’m doing.
“Mommy?” he says quizzically. “What’s that in your butt?”
“Nothing,” I tell him. “Here, want to play with my phone?” I say, trying to distract him. “Look! Angry Birds. Your favorite!”
He drops the phone on the floor with a thud. “Mommy!” he shouts. “What are you sticking IN YOUR BUTT?”
“Nothing,” I whisper while retrieving my now biohazardous phone and wondering if everyone else in the restaurant is enjoying our pottytime play-by-play. “It’s just a tampon.”
“A TAMPON!” he shouts at top volume. “But Mommy, why does it go all up IN YOUR BUTT?” He leans in closer to get a better view.
“I’m not putting it in my butt. That’s my vagina,” I whisper, my face going red. Because by now, I’m confident all the guests in the taco shop are getting at least the shouted highlights of our impromtu sex-ed class. “Shhhhh…” I whishper and pass him an action figure out of my purse hoping to end this entire conversation.
“Your GINA????” he practically screams. “EWWWWWWW! Why is your GINA all bloody, Mommy?” He begins to make gagging noises and pretends to pass out.
I consider how to answer him, desperate to end this discussion before we go back into the dining room. “It’s just something that happens to girls when they get older. It’s really pretty boring,” I say, hoping this will do the trick and he’ll lose interest.
“You’re OLD, Mommy,” Diego informs me. “And your GINA is ICKY.”
“Thanks for the update,” I said. But he didn’t hear me.
He had already bolted out of the restroom and was shouting loud enough for the entire restaurant and most-likely also the entire tri-state area to hear him: “Mommy’s BLEEDING from her GINA! And she put something IN HER BUTT because her GINA is all ICKY! And OLD.”
Yep. That about sums it up, doesn’t it? Thanks, Diego. And congratulations on your first lesson in female anatomy.
About Naomi De La Torre
ooph. Yeah. That would be the end of that trip for us. lol
Twitter Name: thepsychobabble
Yeah, I pretty much hit the door running that time… :)
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
You know, they really ought to give you a handbook or something when you breed so you can anticipate these incidents and possibly avoid them.
Twitter Name: msmegan
That’s what I’m saying!!! Cars and TVs come with handbooks. Why not babies?
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
More relatable than I care to admit! Great story.
Thanks, Hill! I figured you might relate to this one. Haahahaha.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Oh my. I’m glad I never told my kids anything now. They were warned, with the wide eyes and the rictus grin. I don’t care if it made me look insane.
Clearly I am a terrible mother.
Twitter Name: penbleth
I think I need to work more on that. The wide eyes and the rictus grin. I talk WAY too much for my own good. Obviously.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Well, at least he’s unlikely to get a girl knocked up in high school thanks to that conversation. I mean…right? This is how I can keep my son from being promiscuous…right?
Twitter Name: TamingInsanity
Good point. It never occured to me that this whole convo could really be a good thing in disguise. KLZ, you are brilliant.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Oh man! Now I really don’t want to go anywhere with the kids during the week – you know, without Daddy backup!
This also makes me kinda happy that my three year old doesn’t talk much yet :)
It is SO nice to know that I am not the only Mom with nutty children.
The things kids say sometimes. They’re priceless.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I *may* have just snorted while eating a pretzel. And not a soft squishy pretzel, but one of those dried up hard jerks you find in party mix.
Completely worth it.
Twitter Name: therealneeroc
Hope I didn’t make it come out your nose! That happened to me one time with spaghetti. It was…uncomfortable.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Weeeee, what a quick and easy sotuilon.
Twitter Name: LSzggbtbi
You brave, brave woman. I commend you for coming out of the restroom. Ever. Or claiming the kid. I think I would have sat another table and pretended he wasn’t with ME. LOL.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Funny you mention that. Because that is totally my MO when I take my kids on airplanes. I pretend I don’t know them at all.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I wrote something very similar about the exact same predicament/experience a long time ago on my blog. SO FUNNY! kids crack me up. this is hysterical, Naomi! xoxoxo
Twitter Name: erinmargolin
Do you have the link to the post, Erin? I’d love to read that one!!!!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
memories that I’ve lived to tell.
Oh, yea.
Changing a tampon, with a nursing baby on my lap, and holding a toddler by the hand while he wriggles and screams to open the stall door.
I can laugh now…
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
That sounds familiar. Uncomfortably familiar actually. Hahahaa.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Naomi you are way too hilarious. This had me cracking up the entire time I was reading. Can’t wait to have some of these convos. Maybe it’s better that Peanut isn’t saying too much ;)
Oh how I miss you, Sarah!!! I need to get over to your blog and get my Peanut fix. Thanks so much for stopping by today!! xoxoxox
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I can not describe the number of female anatomy discussions I have had with my boys in public bathrooms. My children think that girls pee out of their bottoms and call vaginas Pa-chinas. We have had some serious discussions in the Target restrooms.
The tampon is one I’ve always skirted though…mostly because I have been pregnant or nursing for most of the last two years so tampons have been absent from our lives, thank goodness. I can only imagine the discussions that will ensue.
Twitter Name: themommytherapy
Pa-chinas!! Love it. My boys both call them “ginas” but are still convinced that we stick tampons up our butts. Toddler sex-ed is so much fun, huh?
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
That is laugh-out-loud hilarious!! And scary. I’m sure it won’t be too long before Ethan starts asking the same stuff…
Yeah, it’s amazing how quickly they get old enough to humiliate you. Heheehehe. Thanks for dropping by, Nat!!! xoxox
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
You are not old and your GINA is not icky (or so I’ve heard).
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
I’m gonna tell Diego you said so. Maybe then he’ll change his mind…? Ha.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I had to start forcing my youngest to face the stall door when we went to public restrooms, just because I got tired of him theatrically announcing every time how hairy my pee-pee was.
The tampon scenario would’ve made my head explode.
I mean, I laughed because it happened to someone else. And you told it so well.
Twitter Name: Mrsbear0309
Bwhahaahaha!! That totally reminds me of the time that Diego asked me (again at top volume in the public restroom), “Mommy, why are you so FURRY down there?”
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I remember this conversation! “Ew, why do you have blood coming out of your butt?”
“It’s not coming out of my butt.”
“Ew, why do you have blood coming out of your peehole?”
“It’s not coming out of my peehole.”
“Where else can it come out, then?”
At least we weren’t in public.
Twitter Name: handflapper
*snort* “Where else can it come out then?” Classic. And TOTALLY something my kids would say too.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Your GINA isn’t old! It still bleeds because it’s young. ;) I recently had my own bathroom moment during that time of the month with my three-year-old asking me “what is that in the potty mommy?” Soooooooo embarrassing!
Twitter Name: kvalentini
Thanks for the vajayjay moral support, Kristi. Now I know who to talk to when my 3 year old insults my ladybits. Hehehehehehe
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
See, my kid just waits until he goes to school. He doesn’t broadcast it to the tristate area. He goes and tells nine and ten-year-olds this shiz. And then I go to school to volunteer and…oh golly ned. Sigh.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Now you are truly scaring me. Is this really what I have to look forward to??? Gah!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
LMAO!! so freaking funny. My 5 yr old son refers to tampons as my “bum strings”! omg, I need a freaking lock on my bathroom door!!
BUM STRINGS!!!! *snort!* OMG. PLEASE don’t tell my son. He would LOVE that one.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Ha Ha Ha! This post actually made me laugh at lound. I was still laughing long after I read it so I knew I should comment. :)
My 3 yr old as tried asking me questions like that. Luckily we were at home and he was satisfied with my answer which was, “It’s nothing Jack”.
Twitter Name: NewToMom
DAng! You are one lucky lady. I wish my kids would accept answers like that. But they always back me into a corner with their 3rd degree questioning. And I crumble every time. :)
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
OH MY GAWD.
You know when he is older you are going to have to get him back for this don’t you?!?! Start plotting now, it has to be GOOD!
You’re right. *evil chuckle* It’s PAYBACK time!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
OMG-LMAO. Now I know why I don’t take my kids to the bathroom with me. (That and because my bigger kids are way too big for that!)
Twitter Name: newdaynewlesson
Yeah, its that in between age that’s hard. They’re too little to stay by themselves. But old enough to ask TOO many questions!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
bwahaha!EVERY SINGLE time I go to change a tampn Gabs screams to the entire family “Come here, mama has a booboo!” Oye!Love my children.She’s in for a real shock when puberty hits.LOL
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
Hahahahaa!! That’s hilarious. At least she isn’t trying to patch you up with a bandaid or something!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Naomi, I was here laughing quietly to myself! My son’s 12 years old now, but we had tons of those embarassing moments, along with him attempting to open the stall door and I wasn’t finished a bazillion times! I could have died more times than a cat! When he was around 5, the usual questions were about “what is the blood in the toliet? where did it come from?” The questions and embarassing moments only get worse as they get older!!!
Twitter Name: FLMOMSBLOG
Oh my! The bathroom door. That’s another good one. I could write a whole post just on that topic alone. I have to do every trick in the book right now to keep Diego from opening the door on me while we’re in the stall together. Geeez! Did you say it only gets worse? *faint*
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Hey Naomi,
When he’s older- an over 18 adult even a hint of the mention of your Gina all Icky and Old and he will be the one squirming believe you me!
I can’t wait! Payback is going to be SO much fun. Mwuahahahaha!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
About half an hour ago, I told one of sisters on the phone about your post while she was packing for a trip. She told me of a time that she had her daughters in the restroom, when another mom with a young boy was in a stall nearby having a bowel movement and he son was saying” ewww mom, that stinks! Pheewwww!” Ha!
Twitter Name: FLMOMSBLOG
OMG! That’s hilarious. And totally sounds like something my boys would do to me. Except that my poop smells like roses, of course.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Not gonna lie, I may have given my kid a swirly.
Twitter Name: mommakiss
And THAT is precisely why I love you, MommaKiss!
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
“Your GINA is ICKY”. Can’t.Stop.Laughing.
Toddlers. They speak the truth. No holds barred.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I can’t recall any of the embarrassing bathroom conversations (although I know we had them), but I do remember once in the library yelling “oh for god’s sake – I COME FROM ALABAMA!” That got everyone’s attention. What can I say, I got sick of them singing “something something something with a banjo on my knee”.
Twitter Name: bitterindigo
Oh Lord, that is hysterical! Seriously, I can’t feel my right side ; )
I think I just tore my spleen. Okay, this is why I’m so glad I have an IUD w/progesterone because I basically never have a period. I’m living in la la land about this sort of thing. Of course, my poor daughter is going to be in for a rude awakening in a few years when she realizes her mother is a part-robot freak of nature.
You rock. You rock. You rock.
Twitter Name: worldsworstmoms
Wow. I don’t even know what to say. I most definitely just peed on myself. Thank you Thank you THANK you for that much needed laugh. I will be snickering all day as I unpack boxes.
That was stupid and completely disgusting. I Never in my life have taken my son to the bathroom with me when I know that iam on the rag and need to tend to female business. That’s nasty and fucked up.
LOL !! I started to laugh 15 minutes ago…and not finished yet!!
Omigod that was funny. Just wait until he’s a teenager, turns to you and says, “So Mom, do you know what a BJ is?” And when you say “yes.” He goes on to ask, “Does Dad?” And they always do it in public in those whispery voices that are so loud they can be heard in the next county.
I remember seeing my mom put grabbing pads when I was little. I always figured she just had bladder control issues and never brought it up. Imagine my horror when I learned that women were expected to walk around with this things stuck to their underwear, full of blood, for hours on end.
who lets their kids see that? You scarred him for his whole life! Hes going to turn Homosexual and stick tampons up his ass for pleasure… Way to be a good mom ya jerk!
Twitter Name: Dylan Coleman