Another day, another email from yet another married man who wants to screw me.
I know this can’t just happen to me. Every girl with a Twitter or Facebook account has these same issues, right? Twitter direct messages from a new follower who wants you to send him nude photos. Facebook messages from a friend of a friend who wants to know if you’re wearing panties in your profile picture….you know, the one where you have your arm around your mother? No?….So, it’s just me?….Shit. What did I do to deserve this?
Let’s figure this out. My avatar is not of my cleavage. I don’t post pouty-lipped photos and “I’m so drunk and lonely” tweets. Nowhere in my profile does it say, “I have a scarlet “A” sewn to all of my shirts.” I haven’t ever once posted a status update that said, “Please, send me an email detailing your fetishes and what you’d like to do to me after you’ve tucked your kids into bed and kissed your wife of 20 years goodnight”….nope, not once.
I wonder if this what social media has become….every dissatisfied husband’s wet dream? Are Twitter Direct Messages the poor man’s answer to 1-900 calls? Come on guys, I’m not a pin-up girl. Does the Google calendar even offer those? Is it because I’m really thin? Is there some equation that today’s man uses to even out our flaws with our assets? “Sure she’s a little big, but she has great tits.” Or “She’s flat chested, but she has a nice ass.” How about a classic? “She’s not pretty or thin and has no boobs whatsoever, but she’s 22 years old so she may not have a clue!” I happen to be a cute girl, but still that doesn’t mean I’m easy. Then again, on-line opens up an entirely new can of bullshit.
Only a couple of these “men” have ever met me. I try to avoid real life interaction at all costs since I will immediately hear about the “sparkle” in my eyes and the “light” which shines from within me. I’ve actually wondered if Playboy magazine has offered these up in a “things to say to get a girl naked” column. Sorry Mr. Heffner….it doesn’t work. I have heard these two lines so many times that I ordered sparkle-reducing contacts and am having a clapper installed so that my “light” only emanates when I want it to.
Honestly though, I think the most pathetic part of these on-line Romeos is that each and every one of them thinks they are delivering a compliment. I know it’s not my dream, but maybe it’s yours. Do any of you really long to hear that one, little question from some guy you’ve never met….”Hey, my wife’s asleep. Wanna get-off on-line?”
*sigh*
How romantic.
Barbie Angell is a writer, poet & artist who’s life is constantly under renovation. Her dream is to acquire literary world domination. In her spare time she plays full-contact tiddlywinks, studies mime architecture & says humorously inappropriate things on twitter. You can find her at barbieangell.com unless she’s hiding under her desk.
About Guest Writer
Barbie- You’ve just got this sexy yet extremely approachable thing going on for you. Some dudes don’t know where to draw the line between subtle flirting & straight up disgusting remarks. This never happens to me though. Maybe it’s because I talk about my balls a lot. They might think I actually have a dangly pair.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
if i ever join an online dating service you are definitely writing my bio. : ) thanks robin. and by the way, i think you’re straight lita ford….you wear your balls on your chest. : )
Twitter Name: barbieangell
But your eyes..they’re amazing.. and they are beautiful with your …chesticles?
HAhaha great post
Twitter Name: agnescheek
i just knew it….you want me for my lack of boobs. : ) thanks agnes, i’m glad you liked it.
Twitter Name: barbieangell
I call myself ranty, compare myself to a cat who runs into walls and have a silhouette of my and my 3 year old as an avatar. I’ve found the formula for creep-away.
Twitter Name: therealneeroc
quite a savvy diversion for the online pervs. : ) that description would just make me think we have a whole lot in common.
Twitter Name: barbieangell
I told you, I’m not married anymore!
Twitter Name: Dale Johnson
you’ve also never been anything but a gentleman to me….in a silly way. *sigh* the bane of your existence right? the fact that even online you’re a good guy. : )
Twitter Name: barbieangell
What you see is what you get. I’m a very complex, yet simple, man.
Twitter Name: Dale Johnson
yes you are. : )
Twitter Name: barbieangell
I honestly don’t understand why some guys do that, but I don’t think it’s about actual sex at all–it’s about some power trip, & it is pretty shameful. You have every reason to be upset about people who take advantage of you in that way, & from what I’ve seen in your Twitter & FB posts recently, it looks as tho you’ve taken action about it, which is good. As someone who likes to think of you as an online friend, I’m sorry you’ve had to endure this. I also think that a man, married or otherwise, can have a friendship with a woman as long as he has sense enough to keep it respectful. I try to do so.
Twitter Name: rfrostbanjo
thanks john. i think you’re absolutely correct. and yes, i have had to block quite a few guys on twitter and facebook recently. it’s a bit like an online restraining order. unfortunately i don’t think any of them ever wanted to be friends with me. i think they all had ulterior motives from the beginning….and that’s really too bad. *sigh* oh well. : ) thanks for reading, i’m glad you enjoyed it.
Twitter Name: barbieangell
We must travel in different circles because I have never gotten comments like that, and I have been known to talk a little dirty online myself. No one ever takes the bait :-). Maybe it is because I’ve never hidden the fact that I’m a wife and mum. Of course, I’m not exactly anyone’s dream date, either. I wonder how many obviously married women who are as cute as you are, Barbie, get the same sort of propositions. At any rate, I don’t think you put off a vibe that tells guys you want that kind of attention.
Twitter Name: daniinnc
you probably want to stay out of my circle then. : ) it’s pretty full in here anyway. these guys are like hydras, i cut one off and two more appear. i do honestly feel sometimes like it’s just me, but sadly i’m sure there are a whole lot of fabulous people out there that deal with this same thing. i’m happy to know you don’t have this issue. and i’m so very thrilled you liked my piece. : ) thank you.
Twitter Name: barbieangell
You have a pretty intellect and a sparkling vocabulary.
Hey, my son’s asleep. Wanna discuss JG Ballard online?
wow, i’ve never heard that one….bonus points for coming up with an author i know very little about too. : ) thanks for the compliments, i’m getting my sense of humor pierced next week & having my self-esteem lightened a touch today….i hope it turns out alright. : )
Twitter Name: barbieangell
This post made me LOL! I must have lost it … back in the day when WAYN and Friendster etc were in I’d get insane propositions … now on twitter I’ve yet to get one … I guess my username is a cold shower! LOL!
Twitter Name: mummyinprovence
thank you. : ) i was hoping to take something that made me want to throw up and magically turn it into something that would make others laugh and think at the same time. i hope it worked and i’m happy to hear you laughed. i think you’re right, i bet it’s your twitter name that keeps you safe from being propositioned on twitter. don’t fret though, i get enough for both of us.
: )
Twitter Name: barbieangell
I’m getting mixed signals here.
Do you or don’t you want to poke me?
Yea or nay, and don’t get all wordy on me.
I’m just a plumber by trade, but I have a killer rock band on the side.
Keep an eye on “The Buttcrack Spacklers”.
I’m kinda married, but it’s complicated.
Happy Birthday 2 weeks ago!
A Friend.
Twitter Name: mikelafontaine1
i understand the confusion, so i’ll be perfectly clear….you may not poke me. ever. never. not ever….clear enough? : )
that being said, good luck with the band. i hope the “it’s complicated” means you’re having a whole lot of hilarious incidents like the movie of the same name.
as for the happy birthday, i’m not sure who it’s for, but i’ll pass it along to anyone whose birthday it was two weeks ago.
and again….no poking. : )
Twitter Name: barbieangell
Please don’t respond to my comments.
They are cut and pasted, then sent out to everyone on Twitter.
So they don’t come back to me.
Just shower, drop by and the line forms at the back door.
Please tell the wife you are friends with Mika my youngest daughter. Must by shy and have nice jugs.
I still have some hair and my original teeth.
Full basement is stubbed for a half bath.
No, that’s the house we are trying to rent out. Sorry.
Thanks, Mike
cc@Twitter.
Twitter Name: mikelafontaine1
got it. : ) i’m sorry i responded to your comment, it won’t happen again….after this response of course.
i guess this is where we part ways since i’m practically concave in the chest area….but thanks for such a lovely offer. i can’t recall when i have been so flattered.
i’ll spread the word about the apartment for you though.
: ) barbie.
Twitter Name: barbieangell
Is there not a way to block people who offend your moral sensabilities? You appear like a
person who enjoys thinking. Is their a possibility that there is an artificail dichotomy going on here? Abuser vs Victim,
creepy married guy vs courageous, well-intentioned single girl? Dualistic thinking is a bane to my intellectual growth. For me, the reality of this situation is we live in a neo-McCarthy era that constantly uses sex as a weapon in it’s media psychology. By demonizing and marginalizing the hurting souls that have nothing in their lives but the prospect of trolling for sexual titulation, does this get to any real issues? Some males and females like discussing carnal matters. The capatalistic world where everything is reduced to its lowest common denomenator takes advantage of this situation. Some people are brain washed, stupid, lonely, miserable and so allienated they literally do not know what is appropriate and what is not. There are other true predators who play the game like chess. To them sex is a secondary gain. They are interested in “power over” as in power over others. Much like vampires in popular lore. I am grateful that the sociopathic chess players are rare. My question would be what attracts these lonley, inappropriate people to a certain type of person and why doesn’t that person just block the person and get on with their own life? If it doesn’t matter it shouldn’t matter. I take time to write because I sense you have a keen mind and you are a good person. Thanks for reading.
I hope your day is interesting and joyful. Tom
good questions tom. : )
first, these aren’t my moral sensibilities, these are outright “i want to have sex with you & i don’t want my wife to ever find out” messages. if that sounds like a crass way to put it, you should read the actual facebook messages & emails that i have gotten. they are far more invasive & far less polite than what i just said. and keep in mind, these are typically the first time most of these men have ever contacted me other than in public on twitter or facebook. these are not long-time acquaintances.
as for the “single girl”, i never said i was single. i don’t discuss my personal life or relationship status at all online. the really funny thing, which sheds a lot of light on these guys, is that not one single person ever asked me. not one of these guys wanted to know if i was interested in them or if i was in any way involved with anyone. to me, this shows a narcissism which really explains a lot about them. just like a guy with a real life mistress, which is what they want me to be, it’s all about making themselves feel good with no concern for how the mistress feels at all.
as for blocking them and getting on with my life, i actually tried to see them as people with issues for a while. i sat here and cried about the unimaginable insult of being treated in such a way by men i had only tried to be nice to. not flirt with or talk about sex with, just being their online friends. (in fact, several of these guys pretended that wanted to hire me to write for them.) and yes, i cried. you cannot even imagine what it feels like to have someone reduce your personality into that of a whore. it’s beyond upsetting. like any other assault of a sexual nature, i had to come to terms that i did nothing wrong. only then was i able to block them on these sites without feeling badly about it.
that being said, there is no way to block them from my email. i keep all those messages because unfortunately one of these guys found out where i worked and literally stalked me there instead of just online.
i appreciate that you want to try to get inside the brains of this type of guy, but people need to be able to be in an online community and not be threatened or abused. it’s just as important as not being threatened or abused in the real world. imagine if i were your sister, your daughter, your wife….would you want her to get emails so detailed and repulsive that it made her want to vomit? especially if she didn’t do anything to invite that kind of attention?
i think you really raised a lot of interesting points and i hope you reply to this. i appreciate how much you delved into this subject and your kind words about my work.
: ) thank you. barbie.
Twitter Name: barbieangell
I don’t understand it either. My avatar is me in my wedding dress and most of my tweets are about my husband, the awesomeness of being overweight or bitching about period cramps. Maybe some men just have a fetish???
But you’re completely adorable, funny and totally deserving of a twitter follow. I promise not to sent propositions or lewd photos. :)
Twitter Name: LoLately
wow, a wedding dress & cramp tweets and you still get that sort of unwarranted attention?….crap, these guys are clueless. :) i’d hate to hear about their fetishes, i’m still trying to forget everything the foot fetish guy said to me. it’s fine if you’re into that stuff, but it’s not what i’d consider “ice breaker” material.
thank you for reading & the sweet compliments….and especially for promising that you won’t send me lewd photos. :)
Twitter Name: barbieangell
I think you have a remarkable ability to attract the attention of politicians. This is weird since you never seem to tweet about politics either. Maybe they dig your demographic?
you’re right, i do. i have no idea why that is. it may have been my tweet about sleeping with a politician in an attempt to get a book published….or they may just think i’m a porn star because of my name. :)
hmmm….i wonder what my demographic is?
Twitter Name: barbieangell
So, hey gorgeous… Have any pics??? :) just playing. Well done again Barbie.
thank you. :)
but you failed at being one of “those guys”….your line was too charming for them. :)
Twitter Name: barbieangell