Is there no dignity left in the world?
I was talking to our new insurance company and was being
interrogated asked what I assumed to be standard medical questions. I expected them to be somewhat personal; it is the nature of the beast. I had no idea the degree.
Not as personal as the therapist asking me if I talk to God…and does he answer. (My God woman, I just met you I’m not telling you what the voices in my head say or don’t say.)
The nurse politely and matter of factly asked me about different conditions that I may currently have or have had in the past according to my medical history. I was prepared to explain that time that I had that gerbil removed or the time I thought my headache was brain cancer and insisted the doctor run every test imaginable. I was prepared to explain all of that away. I was not prepared for the question she asked next.
Nurse: “So, what about stress incontinence?”
Me: “Pardon me?? I am not familiar with that diagnosis or that term?” (Is this the clinical term for a brain fart?)
My God, I thought, was she asking me if I soil myself when I got stressed out? Was that even a ‘thing”? Was this an actual bonafide medical condition? If it is, I don’t have it. Have never been diagnosed with it and certainly don’t want it.
She explained, “It’s when you sneeze and there is a release of a small amount of urine.”
Me: “Oh, you mean do I tinkle when I sneeze? Yes, occasionally if I sneeze really hard (thanks to my beautiful babies with big heads). Why yes, I do sometimes have to do the peepee dance so I don’t tinkle on myself. But it’s not always…just sometimes. Well, like 30% of the time. OK, well, maybe more like 67% of the time. 80% of the time tops.”
Come on, surely I’m not the only Mommy who has had this happen, right? Oh please don’t tell me it’s JUST me. There is no way that I am the only one in Zumba class who is having to sport a Depends. Why else do you think my yoga pants are so lumpy? What, you thought that was cellulite? I cannot believe that I am the only person who is afraid that sneezing, coughing or laughing too hard can cause Mama to water the plants. Don’t tell me you do your Kegel exercises religiously and have the vaginal wall of a 16 year old? If so, I’m not sure we can be friends any longer.
The nurse was really trying to be serious. Next question, “Do you require any treatment for this condition?”
Me: “Oh, you mean other than the peepee dance? Not really, just remembering to practice my Kegels. Maybe I need some gingko, my memory is not what it used to be.”
Nurse: “Any plans for treatment or corrective surgery in the future?”
Me: “No, it’s kind of like being ugly. You just kind of have to learn to live with it!”
At this point, she laughed out loud. And this concluded our interview.
I am a little concerned that I am in a chart somewhere as a grown woman who tinkles on herself (just a little bit and just on occasion…OK, OK, 80% of the time!) but it’s better than what I had originally thought…. One who poops on themselves in stressful situations! Now, that’s a stressful condition. Can you imagine, explosive diarrhea every time you were stressed out?
No amount of Kegels in the world is going to fix that.
And in case you’re still fixating on the whole gerbil incident, God told me to do it…during our conversation, in which I asked what I could do to make him smile. He answered.
Deborah Cruz-Beck, aka Truthful Mommy, is the creator and writer of the blog The TRUTH about Motherhood. She is a freelance writer and work-at-home mother. She lives in the Midwest with her two beautiful little girls, ages three and five, and her husband, who she affectionately calls the Big Guy. Deborah has a Master’s of Art in Liberal Studies from the University of North Carolina Greensboro. She spends her days loving on her littles, surviving suburbia and shuttling her girls between Catholic school, ballet and play dates. When she’s not exposing the truth about motherhood or advocating for sisterhood through motherhood, she can always be found exhausting her potential and realizing her dreams. While she’s sitting at stoplights or waiting in pick up lines, you can always find her on Twitter andFacebook, as her iPhone has now become a fully functional appendage. Above all, Deborah is embracing life with her daughters and taking on each and every trial, tribulation and celebration on little to no sleep. Stop by the blog to see for yourself what a solid intermingling of Mommy brain and verbal diarrhea can produce. It’s all love.