June 2011 Horoscopes for Low Aimers

Well spank my ass and call me Satyr, it’s horoscope time! Again!

Here’s what’s happening to everybody on an astro-level.

Summer Solstice is June 21st - the first day of summer - and June is buoyed by some powerful energy lighting up these long days. We’ve got a partial solar eclipse rolling over us on June 1st in Gemini and again on July 1st in Cancer, and a lunar eclipse on the 24th is in the tail of the constellation Scorpio. The aggregate of these disparate forces is, in a word: hope.  We’ll also likely be surrounded by clarity and piercing insight. Can we handle The Truth? Colonel Jessep might doubt us but June thinks we can handle the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I say “bring it!”

Know any June birthdays?

Isn’t it ironic that Alanis Morisette’s birthday is June 1st? (Well, it’s not really ironic, but neither are any of her examples, so fair’s fair.) Check out this porntastic hot birthday threesome–my man Anderson Cooper on the 3rd, Angelina Jolie on the 4th and Marky Mark on the 5th. Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate Prince’s birthday on the 7th. And the hotness just continues–I wonder what Tim Burton will give Johnny Depp for his birthday on the 9th? Proud papa Neil Patrick Harris becomes one year cuter on the 15th. We can try to get Roger Ebert’s birthday to trend on the 18th. Close down the month with an 80s’ party because it’s Cyndi Lauper’s birthday on the 22nd and (seriously the best Twitter user ever) George Michael’s on the 25th.

Your Scope on the Rocks for June 2011

Aries: It’s good to be a ram this month. It’s good to be you because you’ve got Mercury on your side in the beginning of the month and Venus has got your back during the last week. You’ll be writing prolifically and communicating cogently. Basically you’ll be a walking, talking, typing, public speaking Dale Carnegie for Dummies. And then your love life will perk up very sweetly–and in fact, there is a bit of overlap between communication and love aspects, so that could mean there will be some sending or receiving of love letters, or perhaps You’ve Got Mail sexting. Or, hmm, why do I suddenly have a Sweet Emotion ear worm?

Taurus: You are the Right Said Fred of the zodiac in June, which is to say: you are too sexy for this shirt. Your power is formidable right now, you own the room, and you are perfectly poised to get what you want, sexually and otherwise. Sometimes Mick is wrong, and in your case right now, he is. You can get want you want, you ARE getting it, go for it! And do your little turn on the catwalk. On the catwalk.

Gemini: Between that eclipse going down and a Mercury glide, this is going to be a favorable month for new beginnings and creativity. You are seeing things differently and sharing your visions in ways that inspire others–you have magic in your lunchbox like the airplane boy–so let it fly, mamacita. It’s also a good time for new purchases! Get yourself a little sumthing sumthing. If you happen to see something that, oh, I don’t know, would brighten my day, that’s a fine idea too.

Cancer: You might not feel like you have what it takes right now, but I promise you, you do. In fact, to show you, let me tell you a little story. One time when I was coming home from work on the bus–you know how I like to conserve the planet’s resources when I can–this incredibly challenging thing happened out of nowhere and I had to step up. It all happened so fast! There was a gunman and the bus had to be driven super fast or there would be a bomb (I know!) and a gorgeous cop (who looks like a hot lesbian, rawr!) was going to save us but then the driver got shot and I wanted to crawl under the seat and pray to God I didn’t catch a foot fungus from the bus floor, but you know what? I stepped up. I did what had to be done, you know, I floored that damned bus through L.A. traffic with these screeching wheelies and missing chunks of highway and someone crawling underneath the frigging BUS while we drove in circles and everything! I didn’t know I could drive like that but I did! I did what had to be done what with the speed requirements of the engaged bomb and being kidnapped and everything. And then I fell in love! It didn’t last, so I fell in love again, but I try to forget about that part and it’s not the point anyway. The point is I know for a fact that when a situation calls for your action, somehow the skills you need appear, and I know they will for you, too. Yes, they will!

Leo: Day-um, my hot little Lioness. You got it going ON. Confidence to spare, charisma at an all-time high and you are on everyone’s mind. It’s like Ferrari Forever. You’re jumping up on the table (yes, your lip gloss is flawless!), you are kicking the world in the popcorn, you are being wooed with pulsating red satin. This month will shine like 80s lipgloss, soak it up.

Virgo: Oh my gawd nothing makes sense, does it? The entire planet is whackedness! It’s like you’ve been watching Friends forever and then suddenly it occurs to you: why in hell do they open umbrellas while sitting on a sofa in front of a fountain? You can put up with the sofa outside in front of the fountain that isn’t even in NYC, you can put up with the inevitable, trite dancing in said fountain, you can put up with their ridiculously amazing apartment and even stupid Marcel, not to mention the fact you have to use up some pretty serious suspension of disbelief in order to entertain than anyone would befriend Chandler Bing–but holy hell, the multi-colored UMBRELLAS when it isn’t even raining on the COUCH?!?!?! That is one step too far. It’s really all too much. June is The One That Is Confusing right now, but hold on. I know, no one told you life was going to be this way, but I’ll be there for you. Upside is your new haircut will be amazing!

Libra: The eclipse is bringing you some smooth seas full of peace and harmony, sweetheart. You’ll be so chill people might rub your belly thinking you are a golden Buddha or they might bring you flower wreaths to wear assuming that you are a time-traveling 60′s flower child. Accept all gifts gracefully, and share your good vibrations as you can, because the rest of us need them. This is your June theme song, sing it often and sing it proud:

Scorpio: Scorp, honey, why you letting them do you like that? Are you being to kind and generous? Why are you giving and giving and giving? If you’ve been sending your good trucks down one-way streets, that’s got to stop. Basta! Here’s why: you don’t want to be like Mandy. You know, Mandy? That chick who gave and she gave without taking. And you know what she ended up with after all of the giving and giving without taking? She ended up with her name ruined by the most annoying song ever droning on and on in grocery stores across the world with every poor, trapped shopper cringing at the mention of her name. Oh, Mandy. See, it just doesn’t work out to give and give without taking. Take, Scorpio, take with all of your heart to avoid the fate of that wretched, wretched Mandy. I’m begging you!

Sagittarius: Girlfriend, you’re been working hard on that old dune buggy and it’s about to pay off. After you add the magic horn to the Wonderbug you’ve been slaving over, it’s going to fly and give you a summer’s worth of adventures and evil-fighting! June will be like having a pocket Johnny Weir whispering that you are just as fabulatastic as he is! All of the grueling practice will be behind you, you’ll hear the first chord of your song and it will be like that magic horn–the Swarovski crystals on your lycra will catch the spotlight just as you catch air and you’ll be fabulously flying like a caped crusader!

Capricorn: Respect, appreciation, well-deserved kudos, it’s all coming your way. In fact it might be time to start adding a few new shelves to your trophy room. Or hire someone to carry around your diamond, ruby and Crunk Juice pimp cup. In fact, I’d love that job, so should I send you my resume? I will carry it around on a pillow or translucent box, your choice, and I promise I’ll never steal a sip out of it, even if you aren’t looking and even if it’s full of Cristal. Well, maybe just a bit of the Cristal, you’d want me to have that, right. Whaaaaaat? Okay! (Congratulations, it’s about time you were recognized! Atta girl!)

Aquarius: Listen, baby. I know doubt has been creeping in here and there because everything is a little harder than it should be. It ain’t easy being ahead of the curve, out there all alone. It’s okay if you take June to rest up a bit. Just remind yourself, as often as you can, that you’ve been everywhere, and still you’re standin’ tall, you’ve seen a million faces and you’ve rocked them all! Cause you’re a cowboy, on a steel horse you ride, you’re wanted (wanted) dead or alive. Hang tough, baby!

Pisces: June might be a good month for reflection and personal time for you, little Fishy. All this running and running and striving may have warn you out, so you might come out ahead if you sit back and relax a little. It’s like how on Gilligan’s Island they were always working so hard to get rescued, but really they would have been just as well off to sit back and enjoy their Pacific Island sabbatical. Ginger had plenty of clothes, Thurston told fabulous stories, they had plenty of berries that alternatively got them high and cured their diseases thanks to the Professor’s scientific books (which apparently couldn’t help them make a raft, but bygones). It was damned near Fantasy Island, without the trouble of Hervé Villachaize, so it was basically perfect. Why didn’t they just macramé a fresh hammock and enjoy what they had? Why don’t we? Show us how it’s done this month, Pisces.

What do you think? Are the stars on your side? Even if they aren’t, I am, I promise. It’s you, me, The Truth, Cyndi Lauper and George Michael against the world, but that’s okay, because this month, the truth is that girls just wanna have fun. Just remember to wake me up before you go-go!