Involuntary Flatulence Syndrome and Other Embarrassing Pregnancy Secrets

Embarassing Pregnancy Secrets

photo by futurestreet

You are probably one of those women who looked gorgeous and radiant while you were pregnant, aren’t you? You probably only gained weight in your belly and no one could even tell you were pregnant until you were six months along.

Did you wear your regular jeans until you were eight months pregnant using the rubber band technique? I bet you did. I bet you don’t even know what I’m talking about when I say varicose veins, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, heartburn and excessive flatulence. Are you one of those women who enjoyed your pregnancy so much that you practically start lactating just thinking about being pregnant again?

If so, we have nothing in common. And this post is not for you.

This post is for women like me who took a pregnancy test at six weeks and immediately looked pregnant. Except that I got pregnant everywhere except my belly first. I think my butt was the most pregnant of all. I kept asking my midwife to check for a heartbeat back there, because I was convinced I was having some sort of anatomically abnormal pregnancy where I was carrying a couple of extra babies in my rear end.

And that is not all. Oh no. That is not all.

There are any number of embarrassing pregnancy secrets you wish you knew about before you got knocked up. Here are my Top 10. Feel free to add your own in the comment section.

  1. Panties. When you are pregnant, underwear come in two sizes. Those that are eaten by your ass and those that look suspiciously similar to the ones your grandma wears.
  2. Incontinence. Don’t worry. Those extra-large undies will come in handy when you realize that you are now incapable of holding your own urine.
  3. Morning-Sickness. Whoever invented this term was clearly a woman-hating misogynist. Because anyone who’s ever had “morning-sickness” knows dang well that it isn’t restricted to the morning and that a better way to describe it would be, “crippling-nausea-that-makes-you-want-to-kill-your-husband-and-all-other-male-creatures-on-the-planet-with-a-blunt-instrument-followed-by-stir-frying-them-in-a-tangy-sauce-and-eating-them-in-a-taco.” Which leads me to…
  4. Insatiable Hunger. No, it doesn’t make sense that crippling nausea and insatiable hunger would go together. But seriously, is there anything about pregnancy that actually does make sense when you really think about it? The strangest thing about so-called morning sickness is the fact that the only cure for it seems to be having copious amounts of food in or about to enter your mouth at all times.
  5. Stretch Marks. I’m not going to lie to you. No matter how many hours of the day you spend slathering your ginormous belly with cocoa butter, Revitol, Strivectin, Trilastin, Dermectin or whatever the fancy new cream is on the market, you will not be able to avoid the onslaught of stretch marks that are bound to pop out all over your formerly bikinilicious bod when your skin stretches to 1800 times its normal size. Unless you are one of those women who simply don’t get stretch marks. In which case, I hate you.
  6. Hemorrhoids. What? You thought this was something only old people had. So did I. Think again.
  7. Varicose Veins. If it’s not enough that you are now wearing clothing designed by the tent shop, your doctor will prescribe pantyhose 10 sizes too small and recommend that you wear them 18 hours out of every day. Follow directions as specified. If nothing else, it may take your mind off of…
  8. Involuntary Flatulence Syndrome. Don’t laugh. Because it will happen to you. And in the most mortifying of circumstances. Most likely when you are out on a fancy dinner date with your husband and his co-workers. If you don’t die from humiliation on the spot, blame it on your husband. It’s his fault you are in this condition anyway.
  9. Involuntary Belching Syndrome. Ditto on number 8. Whatever doesn’t come out one end, will definitely come out the other. And loudly. The pregnancy books say to avoid carbonated drinks, fatty and fried foods if you want to cut down on this. But if you were paying attention during number 4, you would know this is an obvious impossibility.
  10. Swelling. Just when you think your ass is done expanding, it will grow another 7 sizes. Ditto on all your other body parts. If you want to know when your baby is ready to come, just pay attention to the size of your feet. When they are huge enough that they are regularly mistaken for baby hippos, your time has come. Congratulations, you survived! Hopefully we’ll be able to say the same for your ladybits tomorrow.
About Naomi De La Torre

Naomi de la Torre used to be a world famous salsa dancer and Guinness World Record holder in competitive meat-sculpting and artistic pie-eating before she gave up her life of fame and fortune to settle down. Now the mother of two adorable boys, she is most likely to be found hiding from the 100 pound pile of dirty laundry that stalks her, eating her weight in jarred cheese or using a can of Crisco to squeeze herself into her old sequined salsa dresses. Naomi is a contributing writer for SheKnows, Momtastic, Baby Banter and Insert Eyeroll.

Comments

  1. Tammi Murphy says:

    Yet 10 more reasons to avoid procreation. No babies for me, thanks anyway!

  2. Kyla says:

    Ummmmm…yeah. Now I’m not feeling very stoked about getting preggers after all. Thanks, Naomi.

  3. June says:

    Hahahaahaa. This is the funniest thing I’ve read all year.

  4. Katie says:

    sigh…i wish this wasn’t so true but…IT’S SO TRUE.

    Also? I had a really bad pregnant fart one time while my students were working and do you think I claimed it? Hell no. I blamed it on a student.

    True story.

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  5. I think I forgot to mention that insanity is probably the most obvious symptom of all. Because even after everything we go through, we are more than happy to do it all again for another sweet baby. And it’s worth it every time.

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  6. Sherri says:

    Oh Naomi I never would have had kids if I’d read this first! So funny…thanks for the laugh!

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  7. Alexandra says:

    Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

    You have me laughing so hard.

    I love all the ugly of you, all of it.

    Snort.

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  8. HeatherS says:

    Here’s a betwitching little thing that happened to me after the baby was born…I gained 23 pounds when I was pregnant with my son (don’t start booing me, I was already 40 pounds overweight), so I thought when I had him, I’d be able to go back to my regular clothes. Well, 2 days after my c-section I stepped on the scale before stepping into the hospital shower and I weighed 11 pounds MORE than I did the day I gave birth. I suddenly felt very heavy and noticed everything – face, arms, legs, looked hugely swollen. My feet looked like Fred Flintston’s. Nurse’s said sometimes you retain water after giving birth/abdominal surgery. 3 days later at home, I woke up on a Sunday morning and I kid you not, I peed every 5 – 10 minutes for at least 8 hours. I peed for 5-10 minutes each of those times. I didn’t think it was ever going to stop. I was about to call the doctor when I started to notice it didn’t hurt to walk on my feet anymore, and I could see between my fingers again. It’s like I was melting. Pregnancy is a really weird trip. For those of you who think it’s not for you, really, just do it for the Stories!

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  9. Oh this was me, all of it 1-10.

    You missed a few though.

    11. Pregnancy will cause heartburn, exacerbated by the fact that in order to avoid #3 at bedtime you have to do #4 and then do an odd sort of balancing act where you prop yourself up so that slowed digestion can keep on going without burning out your throat so you can fall asleep in time to not be hungry/nauseous again.

    12. Pregnancy will turn you into a crazy woman and heaven help the husband who decides to cuddle or get frisky while you are thus propped hoping to God you fall asleep before your insides begin the dance all over again. Of course, when you rebuff him coldly and he’s a bit grouchy you will then weep that he is being mean to you on purpose and then when you see him backing up with the smile and get away from the rabid she monster expression you cry even harder because he’s become so distant and he doesn’t love you any more and what were you thinking getting me pregnant if you don’t even love me?

    Or maybe that was just me?

    I’ve been pregnant 5 times now. The body got worse but the crazy has improved. :)

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  10. Hahaha … so so so sexy isn’t it? Am sharing with my pregnant friends! They will be mortified as they all seem to have some crazy-ass romantic view on being pregnant!

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  11. Emma says:

    So so true!! And as for fizzy drinks I just had to have them otherwise the burps got trapped and that wasn’t good!!

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  12. You know some men find pregnancy very attractive? Mine just found it hilarious, thanks to the symphony of gasses.

    Love this post, because it perfectly describes my pregnancies. I was pregnant from my eyeballs to my toenails. But it took 8 months before my belly surpassed my enormous b-o-o-b-s. (Not a prude – not much of one anyway – just trying to help you avoid spam – thoughtful, yes?)

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  13. Nichole says:

    This has left me all giggly this morning.
    I’m fairly certain that you had me at ” I think my butt was the most pregnant of all. I kept asking my midwife to check for a heartbeat back there…”
    Love it!

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  14. MK says:

    And guess what happens if you decide to hold it in all day. It wakes you up in your sleep. FML.

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  15. Yup, brace yourself when you sneeze for the next rest-of-your-life. I was like Missy, it took 39 weeks for my belly to catch up to my b-o-o-b-s. I was constantly in danger of falling over.

    I love my kids!

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    • Funny story on my b-o-o-b-s. I didn’t have any before getting preggers. Then I went from 34B to a 38F in a matter of weeks. It was insane. Unfortunately, now they’ve lost their oomph and look like deflated balloons. I regularly find them trying to make out with my belly buttom. *sigh* Thanks for the comment, JC!! I love my kids too. It’s all worth it. It really really is.

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  16. Natalie says:

    You nailed it! All true and glad I never have to do it again ;)

  17. BalancingMama (Julie) says:

    That was too funny! And sadly, too true. I had loud gas issues for months after delivery! Could’t sneeze or laugh without extra sound effects! Mortifying.

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  18. Steve says:

    Thank you, God, for making me a man.

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  19. I am so with you on the ass front (or should that be behind…?), I think that mine is competing with my belly to see who can jutt out more, there really is only a couple of millimetres in it.

    And the farting thing… oh it’s so good to get some revenge on my husband during the night!

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  20. D says:

    Wow, it does take two to tangle. Sounds like you need to get off your sorry ass and deal with life.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] father spent my entire childhood trying to publicly humiliate me and my sisters with flatulence. He was gastronomically expressive and could proudly produce anal acoustics that could break the [...]

  2. [...] THE BEATIFIC SMILE This is gas. We’re trying to distract you with our glow while we surreptitiously fart. [...]

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