You are probably one of those women who looked gorgeous and radiant while you were pregnant, aren’t you? You probably only gained weight in your belly and no one could even tell you were pregnant until you were six months along.
Did you wear your regular jeans until you were eight months pregnant using the rubber band technique? I bet you did. I bet you don’t even know what I’m talking about when I say varicose veins, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, heartburn and excessive flatulence. Are you one of those women who enjoyed your pregnancy so much that you practically start lactating just thinking about being pregnant again?
If so, we have nothing in common. And this post is not for you.
This post is for women like me who took a pregnancy test at six weeks and immediately looked pregnant. Except that I got pregnant everywhere except my belly first. I think my butt was the most pregnant of all. I kept asking my midwife to check for a heartbeat back there, because I was convinced I was having some sort of anatomically abnormal pregnancy where I was carrying a couple of extra babies in my rear end.
And that is not all. Oh no. That is not all.
There are any number of embarrassing pregnancy secrets you wish you knew about before you got knocked up. Here are my Top 10. Feel free to add your own in the comment section.
- Panties. When you are pregnant, underwear come in two sizes. Those that are eaten by your ass and those that look suspiciously similar to the ones your grandma wears.
- Incontinence. Don’t worry. Those extra-large undies will come in handy when you realize that you are now incapable of holding your own urine.
- Morning-Sickness. Whoever invented this term was clearly a woman-hating misogynist. Because anyone who’s ever had “morning-sickness” knows dang well that it isn’t restricted to the morning and that a better way to describe it would be, “crippling-nausea-that-makes-you-want-to-kill-your-husband-and-all-other-male-creatures-on-the-planet-with-a-blunt-instrument-followed-by-stir-frying-them-in-a-tangy-sauce-and-eating-them-in-a-taco.” Which leads me to…
- Insatiable Hunger. No, it doesn’t make sense that crippling nausea and insatiable hunger would go together. But seriously, is there anything about pregnancy that actually does make sense when you really think about it? The strangest thing about so-called morning sickness is the fact that the only cure for it seems to be having copious amounts of food in or about to enter your mouth at all times.
- Stretch Marks. I’m not going to lie to you. No matter how many hours of the day you spend slathering your ginormous belly with cocoa butter, Revitol, Strivectin, Trilastin, Dermectin or whatever the fancy new cream is on the market, you will not be able to avoid the onslaught of stretch marks that are bound to pop out all over your formerly bikinilicious bod when your skin stretches to 1800 times its normal size. Unless you are one of those women who simply don’t get stretch marks. In which case, I hate you.
- Hemorrhoids. What? You thought this was something only old people had. So did I. Think again.
- Varicose Veins. If it’s not enough that you are now wearing clothing designed by the tent shop, your doctor will prescribe pantyhose 10 sizes too small and recommend that you wear them 18 hours out of every day. Follow directions as specified. If nothing else, it may take your mind off of…
- Involuntary Flatulence Syndrome. Don’t laugh. Because it will happen to you. And in the most mortifying of circumstances. Most likely when you are out on a fancy dinner date with your husband and his co-workers. If you don’t die from humiliation on the spot, blame it on your husband. It’s his fault you are in this condition anyway.
- Involuntary Belching Syndrome. Ditto on number 8. Whatever doesn’t come out one end, will definitely come out the other. And loudly. The pregnancy books say to avoid carbonated drinks, fatty and fried foods if you want to cut down on this. But if you were paying attention during number 4, you would know this is an obvious impossibility.
- Swelling. Just when you think your ass is done expanding, it will grow another 7 sizes. Ditto on all your other body parts. If you want to know when your baby is ready to come, just pay attention to the size of your feet. When they are huge enough that they are regularly mistaken for baby hippos, your time has come. Congratulations, you survived! Hopefully we’ll be able to say the same for your ladybits tomorrow.