I realized in my 6th month of being a housewife that there’s a lot of shit I don’t know. I probably should have paid more attention in Home-Ec circa 1994. Because I especially don’t know about foods. See, growing up I was a very picky eater in an Italian house where the meals were either pasta with red sauce or pasta with clear sauce or pasta with green sauce. Then I married a moderate hippie from California who eats mostly sticks and twigs and fiber. There was a bit of a learning curve.
I’m trying super hard to be a super star housewife so my husband is all, Man this is awesome, I DECLARE THAT YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN, WOMAN. So, shit needs to be on point around here. That’s when I decided to make a ham.
Ham is my most hated food and my husband’s favorite. I do not like sweet meat. Ham has a chewy texture reminiscent of human skin….human skin dipped in honey. I say no to that. But to score housewife points, I go to the store to buy a ham.
I’ve never even seen a ham in the grocery store before. I have no idea where to find such a ham. But I sort of remember seeing ham when I got my turkey from the deli. I’ll get my ham there.
Me: Hi butcher. One ham please.
Butcher: One pound of ham?
Me: No. A ham. Thank you.
Butcher: (side eye) Okay. (Whispers in the back) That will be 83 dollars.
Me: WHAT?
Butcher: (louder) EIGHTY THREE DOLLARS.
Me: JESUS. Ham is for rich people! Forget it. I’m leaving sans ham.
*I call my friend*
Me: DUDE, did you know that ham is like REALLY expensive?
Friend: What are you talking about?
Me: I went to go buy one at the deli and it was 83 dollars!
Friend: You asshole. Why did you want a lunchmeat ham?
Me: There are multiple kinds of hams?
Friend: When you get a turkey for thanksgiving to you go to the deli?
Me: …No
Friend: You are a fool.
And, so, I figured the ham thing out. Who knew? Maybe ham was in advanced Home-Ec.
It’s not looking good for my permanent housewife status campaign.
Next task: folding a fitted sheet. LIKE SERIOUSLY IMPOSSIBLE.
About Amanda MODG
You should have just gone to Honey Baked Ham like any another self-respecting, champagne sippin’ housewife would do! More time for magazine reading and taking baths!!
Twitter Name: momanddem
http://youtu.be/i77Duz-VLMU – How to Fold a Fitted Sheet! And hams are hard.
I can fold fitted sheets & I can roast, bake, smoke, and deep fry a ham. Oh wait…. I also get to stay home for this! ;-)
Twitter Name: blondefabulous
My husband complains that I never took home ec either. I can’t sew buttons on anything.
I took home ec in the same class as my husband and I still can’t sew. lol
Twitter Name: karagoodfellow
I wish I could have seen the look on the deli guy’s face. Priceless shit you got here.
Twitter Name: lotsospermies
You don’t fold fitted sheets – you ball them up, throw them into the back of the closet and run right out the door.
Twitter Name: trinity67
YES! That’s totally how it’s done. God, I love MODG’s commenters.
Twitter Name: izzymom
you should slow cook a ham with mustard and brown sugar. it sounds totally weird but actually amazing. plain ham is like really nasty. i hate it. but ham with mustard and brown sugar is the bomb. and with potatoes and carrots in there. damn. seriously. heaven on earth.
I had never thought about sweet meat being unappetizing, good point. I’m not a fan of ham either, it creeps me out.
Fitted sheet folding is only for professionals, or drunk people that don’t care how it’s done.
Twitter Name: themommytherapy
Follow the video that g-unit posted. It’s the way I do it. If you want to keep a whole set of bed-linen together once you’ve folded it, you can put all of it into one pillowcase.
I also fold my underpants. I’m sounding pretty weird right now, huh.
My very sensible wife said, very sensibly, “If that’s how you want it done, then you can fµcking do it yourself”. Fair point, actually.
James
I too fold underwear and everyone I know, except my mom because she taught me, thinks I’m crazy.
I’ve never bought a ham in my life so it’s entirely possible I would have done the same thing. I pretty much fail at food, in general. We’re sympatico, you and I.
Twitter Name: izzymom
I grew up working on a pig farm, so I know more about ham than I want to remember. But what I know is the dirty, seedy, underside of ham–the ham Geraldo Rivera would want to expose. I would’ve been lost in the butcher shop too.
Twitter Name: Ronald Mattocks
Oh MODG, I love this new Aiming Low business. It’s like double MODgness amazing.
I am the queen of folding a fitted sheet. When you/B finally take me up on my marriage/twizzler offer and move to Utah [they're cool with shit like that out here] I’ll be waiting. We can even make sheet folding flash cards! …Or just watch RHOwherever
Twitter Name: _justlikethat_
No need to fold the fitted sheet. Just stuff it, the flat sheet and the 2nd pillowcase into the other pillowcase. I put these little pillowcase bundles in a fancy basket in the closet and people are amazed! Oh, you need clean sheets *pulls out pillowcase bundle* Voila! Everything you need!