The Forgotten Sequels

The other day Bossy got thinking about what it would be like if some of her favorite movies had a sequel. Perhaps this is because Bossy likens closing credits to death — Bossy is always left chasing after the darkened screen crying wait! What happened to the sick grandma? The stray dog? Does the couple end up together? Does he get the job? What about the sister-in-law’s neighbor in the scene with the coffee — does she order hers with cream?

So let’s take a look at a few movie sequels they forgot to make:

In this sequel, Molly Ringwald’s character Sam celebrates her 45th birthday, setting off a small kitchen fire with the joke candles purchased by her bald and portly husband Jake the Certified Public Accountant who luckily remembered to purchase a new extinguisher from the home center store just days before. Sam receives a new Kitchen Aid mixer from her aging parents, but they forgot the one she wanted was Candy Apple Red.

In this sequel, Dustin Hoffman and Katherine Ross, seated in the rear of the city bus, argue about which stop is more convenient to Dustin’s abandoned convertible, which is empty of gas. They ride that bus until the invention of cell phones, at which point Dustin’s character places a call to AAA while Katherine’s character rolls her eyes far back in her head.

Join Jerry Maguire as he realizes Dorothy Boyd doesn’t complete him after all! But Penelope Cruz sure does! Scratch that, because then he jumps on a sofa to celebrate it was Katie Holmes all along. But only when people call her Kate. Meanwhile Dorothy Boyd determines that Jerry Maguire didn’t so much have her at hello, as not have her at goodbye.

In Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Kramer, little Billy sues his parents for mental anguish that resulted from thinking he was sleeping outside under clouds for the entirety of his life, which serves to explain why he dropped out of high school and became a hobo in Milwaukee. A hobo in Milwaukee with a giant scar above his eye.

In this sequel, a shark once again haunts the seaside community of Amity where it tortures the local police chief and marine scientist and, oh, wait.

See you back here next month for more fun!