14 EZPZ Ways To Help You Not Lose Yo Mutha Effing Mind

IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU MAY OR MAY NOT LOSE YOUR MIND, PUT YO DANG HANDS UP.

Dude. I feel you.

I can sense your palms frantically waving back at me through the screen.

I can see you ignoring that pile of laundry in the corner.

I can smell the Maker’s Mark and American Spirits from here.

Sometimes, life hands us all kinds of shit to deal with. It sucks. I’m sorry that it sucks.

We need a release. We need an outlet to help cope.

We need a stupid list on Aiming Low to distract us, if only for a moment.

So, have no fear! I am here to do nothing but temporarily divert your brain! Yay!

Here are some slightly practical, somewhat tangible (and possibly ill-advised) ways to help you weather the storm.

1. Breathe slowly… in through your nose and out through your mouth. Keep doing this until you pass the fuck out.
2. Eat a whole wheel of cheese. Then don’t feel guilty about it.
3. Take a couple shots of vodka, turn on your favorite rump shakin’ playlist and dance in a hot shower. Don’t attempt this if you are a lightweight or if you are top heavy. Which reminds me, I shouldn’t do this.
4. Lock the bathroom door and take a shit in peace. This might be difficult if you already fulfilled step #2. (OMG! Number 2!)
5. Float in some water. Better yet, get naked in a lake. Let your wobbly bits be your buoys. Laugh at your nipples. They’re funny looking. Poke them in and watch them pop back out. IT’S SO COOL AND WEIRD.
6. Take a nap. Sleep is always good for what ails you. Better yet, take a nap in a cloud and get an angel to brush your hair. Yeah, that sounds awesome. Do that.
7. Speak your mind. If something is bothering you about someone you love, have the balls to communicate like an adult. Put yourself in their shoes. Always err on the side of love and grace. Don’t assume. It just makes ya stabby. And stabbing people will put your ass in jail where the serious stabbers reside.
8. Just say yes to drugs (when necessary and when helpful). Embrace modern medicine  I’m not saying go snag a prescription right now. It’s not for everybody and it’s not a magic pill. But you won’t know if they’re beneficial to you unless you find out. (Reminder: I am not a health care professional. Talk to a real live one who listens and cares and has a degree in SOMETHING).
9. Pull a Gallagher. Take a sledgehammer to a watermelon. Then make a delicious fruit salad!
10. Go look at pretty things. If you can, buy something that will make you feel good. Like fresh flowers or an eagle.
11. Go borrow someone’s baby and smell it’s head.
12. Read something awesome. Like this. Or this.
13. Find a therapist that you love and trust. Get in touch with your feelings. The cynic inside you might rebel against it or you might be afraid to go there. But, then, the hurt still remains. Talk about it. Be honest. Be brave. And be kind to yourself.
14. Go for a walk in nature. You know, the place with all the trees and squirrels and no screens? Maybe even skip! Or go all out and DO THIS: