I like dogs more than people. THERE, I SAID IT. I like dogs more than most people, anyways. I don’tcare who knows it. The more people I meet, the older I get, the more I like my dogs. If it weren’t for thefact that I’m married and have two kids, I’m fairly certain I’d be the crazy dog lady.
I take pictures of them, more than my kids, even. See, my dogs don’t MOVE when I try to take theirpictures and they never stick their tongue out. Mostly because their tongues are already hanging out.But I digress. I spend most of my time with my dogs. Most people just don’t get my obsession. It’sprobably a good thing I never went through with my plans for vet school, I’m fairly certain I’d be livingwith tens of dogs. My cousin went through with her plans and now she’s got a few animals at home.Ahem.But I understand her. I get her. I totally know her line of thinking. Why do I like them more thanmost people?
Let me count the ways:
1 . Dogs never talk back to you. Kids do. So does your husband.
2 . Dogs always think you look good, no matter what you wear. They never think you look fat inANYTHING and never notice when you gain weight. Unlike SOME people.
3 . Dogs are great listeners. They look RIGHT AT YOU with a look of concern when you tell themabout your rotten day and they guy that cut you off and the rude lady and SQUIRREL! Ohyeah, right, go on. Rotten day, etc, etc…SQUIRREL! Sorry, where were you again! I’m payingattention, promise…Then they lick your face to make it all better and sometimes their tonguesgo in your nose or mouth and EWWWW and…right. Benefits of dogs. Hold on. I’m thinking…
4 . Dogs have unconditional love for you. Just put down a few bowls of food a day and they’ll beall, “OH MY GAH MY BOWL IS FULL OF DIAMONDS!!! SWEEEET” It’s grand.
5 . Dogs keep your feet warm in the winter. Depending on their size, they also make good footrests. AND! Some of them make good pillows or arms rests, too. Except for the part that whenthey breathe and your arm goes up and down while you’re typing on the laptop and stuff. That’skind of annoying. But! Armrest!
6 . Dogs are fun. They give you something to do and will not ever allow you to be depressed orbored. The evidence I have to support this is BORDER COLLIE. If I dare to sit,a ball or frisbeeis immediately brought to my attention. If I try to crawl into bed a fuzzy butt nudges me until Ipet them. How could you be sad with that going on? YOU CAN’T.
7 . Dogs are always happy to see you. You can leave dogs home alone. You can’t do this with yourkids. You can also put dogs in crates or cages or out in the yard when they misbehave. Again,you prolly shouldn’t do this with your kids. Just sayin’. Unless, of course your kid likes to be indog cages like mine.
8 . Dogs need exercise. Lots of it. You get exercise by default. DUH! WINNING!
9 . You can leave your house for five minutes to run and errand and come back and your dog isall, “YOU’RE BAAACK! I MISSED YOU! HI! HI! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!” When youleave your house and you come back to your kids or husband, they’re all, “Oh, you left? I hadn’tnoticed.” See? Much better for your ego.
1 0 .You can train your dogs. You can train them to clean up after themselves, even. You cantrain them to say, NOT LEAVE THEIR SHOES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR or PUTTHEIR DISHES IN THE SINK or PUT THEIR DIRTY CLOTHES IN THE HAMPER,DANG IT. Not that I’m bitter or anything. I’m just putting it out there, mmkay? Got it? GOOD.
Marj Hatzell isn’t a writer but she plays one on TV. She’s a Domestic Engineer, Total Babe, and SAHM of two boys with Autism, ADHD and a variety of other acronyms. Marj was picked last for dodge ball in grade school, was a band geek (she played the flute, and one time, at band camp…), and prefers dogs more than people, which means she has STELLAR social skills. Marj can be bribed to do anything with potatoes and/or bacon. Usually both. You can find her at her non-paying day job, the wildly unsuccessful blog The Domestic Goddess, at Twitter, and on Facebook.
About Comic Relief Roster
You’re not alone, I’ve said the same for years. I also can claim that my dogs and all their antics distract me from going crazy on all the people that make my life difficult. At the end of a rough day, it’s wonderful to come home to a pile of furry love. And they definitely don’t care if I don’t do my hair or wear a bra!
I also don’t have to shower for my dogs…left that part out. In fact, they PREFER IT when I smell like an Italian Hoagie.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Women and Dogs
1. Dogs have 2 eyes. So do women.
2. Dogs have 2 ears. So do women.
3. Dogs wag their tail when they’re happy. If women had a tail, they would wag theirs too!
4. Dogs lick their own ass. Some women will lick other people’s ass!
I’m not sure what you’re trying to say, but you seem fixated on licking asses. Dogs do it because it’s their nature…what’s your excuse?
No, it’s dogs and women that lick ass. I think that this woman who said she smells like an old italian cold cut sandwich and it makes her feel better around her dog. She is truly disgusting.
I hope this clarifies my response. Maybe you like stinking like old greaser italian food too!!
John Smthye [if that is your real name], move on mister. Your tone & comments are not appreciated.
1st my name is John Smythe. I come from a long line of American Protestant patriots. I chose, as my right as a good American, to respond to a woman that said she wanted to smell like an old greaseball italian sandwich to attract more dogs, whatever that means. Hopefully, we are not dealing with a beastiality admirers column.
Well said GMac.
You are obsessed with women and dogs and licking asses but I’m the disgusting one? Makes perfect sense to me.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
I retract my comment about licking a dog’s ass. I am reasonably certain that you do not lick dog’s assholes. I hope that apology suffices.
In the mean time, from the tone of your posting I am VERY certain that you do stink like one of those depravedly filthy italian woman. No decent Christian (NOT “catholic”) gentleman would be able to present you in civil and polite White Society.
I hope this clarifies my position.
Thanks to all for your attention!
Sincerely
Reverend John Smythe
Huntsville Church of the Decent Christian Resurection
Well, well. The great “Reverend” John Smythe has spoken. Nice job hiding behind that fake facade of yours as you spew your vitriole. How’s about posting a pic for us to see? I mean seriously, speaking of assholes; you, Mr. “Christian, NOT Catholic” (lol) are one GIANT one, and no dog would ever want to lick ANY part of you, I’m sure. Maybe that’s why you’re so upset. (Run out of peanut butter, did ya?) I hear tying a steak around your neck might help, but I doubt it. Dogs would be too smart to even approach an ass like you. Have a great day!
Ah that explains his vile comments Da Rev John Smythe yet another Pimp on the Pulpit……
John Smythe was the founder of the Baptist church, no? Or a founder. I am calling Bullshit.its a troll. Please don’t feed the trolls.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
I have been trying for quite some time to formulate some cogent reply to all of your insensitive responses. This now far goes beyond dogs and their emulation of their mistress’s hygiene habits.
I have noticed that most of you seem like at least nominally caucasian Americans. And in your own peculiarly way, you do seem to like dogs with “unique” ways of expressing your affection towards your pets. Do you know that orientals and many Central europeans and russians salivate at the sight of a dog? Orientals, especially the depravedly filthy cantonese breed have entire cooking schools devoted to the cooking of cats. And it is a well documented fact that Koreans eat dog on a regular basis. You dog “lovers”. whatever that means must get together and strive to end this curse. Perhaps if you succeed, a self examination of your own displays of affections towards your animals can lead to a reassesment of your own activities. As a man of the cloth, I am trying to council all of you. May the Lord bless you and protect your pets from your unconciousness depravedy.
Speak for yourself!
Can’t we talk about something other than your peculiar attraction to animals? To me , despite your wicked ways, I have to emulate the Lord and treat you like my children. That being said, you are all blessed. You’re probably not niggers or chinks, hopefully not practicing jews or filthy catholics for that matter. I can help you lead a proper, Protestant life and give you a path to spend the rest of your days praying for forgivness for your sins. Please ponder this and contact me for counseling.
Sincerely,
Rev. John Smythe
Dear Rev. John,
I believe that you are the perfect example for why Jesus said: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when you have succeeded, you make them twice as much a child of hell as you are. Matthew 23:15
Thank you.
As we get older & wiser, your statement about liking dogs (substitute any other pet as well) verses people is RIGHT ON!!!! Pets are most definitely CHEAPER too, over the long term. Just think, no braces, no college bills, etc. Only problem with pets is that they pass away too soon. Ten or twenty years of loyal, loving friendship is not long enough.
No, it isn’t. We found that out last year after our beloved Shadow passed in her eleventh year. It sucks.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
I feel the same way about my cats! 5 furry babies, always happy to see me come home and anxious for a warm lap to sit on! Heaven.
I’m gonna tell your hubby you called his butt fuzzy!!
Just kidding, super cute! Love it!
Twitter Name: fluteitup
His butt is actually quite fuzzy. Wait, did I just say that outloud? He’s hairy. Ahem.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
My dog answers back. Sometimes when I tell her “NO” she growls and barks at me. Then we get into an argument which involves her barking and me yelling, “I am alpha! *I* am alpha!” until she lays in a submissive pose and makes apologetic eyes at me.
Ahem.
Everything else was spot on.
I will admit that my dog that died last year had a major attitude problem and was q total drama queen. It was just like having a teenaged girl.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Dogs are also good at eating/cleaning up random stuff that happens to be on your floor. Like forgotten snacks, entire boxes of cereal emptied by your 2 year old, poop…wait, did I just say that out loud?
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
And puke. Like baby who projectile vomits? CLEANED UP IN SECONDS, YO.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
I love my two dogs. Now that the kids are teens and somewhat independent I find myself grooving on my dogs more and more. For the reasons you mentioned above :) and a few more..
“Want to go for a walk?” OF COURSE!
“Want to run errands with me?” OF COURSE!
“Want to come cuddle with me and have a little chat?” OF COURSE!
“How is dinner, like it?” OF COURSE!
“Can I brush your hair and put a silly sweater on you?” OF COURSE!
“Can you grow up and live with me forever?” OF COURSE!
Cannot imagine life with at least two of the critters :)
As I hit send one of them let a doozy of a fart go in his sleep. Not perfect, but damned near!
Dog farts are nasty. But if that’s the only negative, I’ll take it.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
You see, I’m not a dog person. But this post is EXTREMELY persuasive. I mean, I like my feet warm. I like unconditional love. I like tongues in my nose.
Wait. That was weird. Sorry.
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
Tongues in noses are the new black.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
I am right there with you. I could easily be a crazy dog lady. I have never met a dog I didn’t like. My indoor dog is my favorite person in the world. She makes me laugh. She calms me when I’m stressed or angry, and she always cuddles with me during naps. There’s no place she’d rather be than right next to me. I feel the exact same way about her.
Twitter Name: Kenna_Ray
Awwww, now you’re making me teary eyed
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
My kids totally agree with you! Every time I ask them (5 & 8) if they would like to have a new baby sister or brother they respond with things like, “Dogs are nice!” or, “We’d like a doggie.”
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
Dogs are more fun than girls!
Wait a minute…
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
At least I’m not the only one. I have a Bichon Frise. Depending on the day,I’d probably pick Bentley over my boyfriend. Just sayin.
His bday is actually today. I may have or not have put a roast in the crock pot so he could have a special bday meal.
One time, he even licked up my tears when I was crying. I love this dog!
Twitter Name: NewToMom
Reason 11, they can’t be republicans, democrats or tea partiers.
I guess an article like this is supposed to be funny. I wonder how your husband feels about it.
Can’t speak for him, but I am sure he probably knows! Mine does!
Get a sense of humor for crying out loud!!!
It’s called sarcasm. You should try it!
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. ARE YOU SOME KIND OF AN IDIOT. WHY DON’T YOU LIVE WITH A DEAF MUTE. WOULD BE ABOUT THE SAME. AT LEAST THE DEAF MUTE CAN BATHE THEMSELVES AND NOT STINK.
What’s with the yelling? And, I think you just provided support for the dogs are better than people argument, Mr. Misdirected Anger.
You, Sir, have no couth. I am deaf and clearly can talk. My service dog and I do despise your sort.
I am some kind of idiot, as a matter of fact!See? Mr. Warren Kries has just proven my point. Dogs don’t shout on the Internet, nor do they post politically incorrect stuff or call people names. How about them apples?
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
I could not imagine my life without my animals…dogs, birds, snakes….Yep even that reptile gives comfort to me…He’s also a fashion statement when I wear him for a belt…LOL!! Just kidding. Seriously until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.
Secret revealed: Sometimes my dogs are more fun than my husband.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
I also have a “Border Collie”, 10 yrs old, Maine Coon cat 15 yrs old, never been out, was abused as a kitten, so in 15 years, I AM THE ONLY HUMAN, BESIDES THE VET, THAT HE WILL LET TOUCH HIM. I LOST 140 LBS, PLAYING FRISBEE, TENNIS BALL, WHAT EVER. MY BEST FRIEND, WHO NEVER HURTS ME, EXCEPT FOR A “FRACTURED ELBOW”, DURING A WALK, AND TWO DOGS ENTERED THE PICTURE, CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD, DOWN I WENT., I LOVE MY BORDER COLLIE, Caesar!!!
Border Collies are all the rage this Fall on the runways.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Dear DG, though i luv my dog lots too, i’ll give you another reason to like dogs more than people. i’m a guy who’s infiltrated, and a qualified babe judge; i judge you to be very cute, not a total babe. Hey, but who’s quibbling,the dogshow judges at westminster don’t choose the dogs i prefer always anyways……
Dude, it’s humor. I’m not a babe, honestly. But I am a milf. Rawr.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Perfectly said!!!!
“Cats rule; dogs drool!”
Warren is probably the only human in history who’s been unable to find a dog who liked him. Maybe that’s because a dog can sense a negative nature and, like most intelligent life, doesn’t care to waste time around him. Poor Warren.
High Five on that one HAHAHAHAHA!!! It must suck to be so negative.
Have three dogs of my own, and one thing I dig is how you can stay out parting with your friends, forget to call home, drink too much, stumble in @ 3am and they are still happy to see you. AND… The later you come home and the drunker you are – The happier they are to see you – Can’t top that. Oh I only wish I were as cool as my dog thinks I am !
Me, too. In fact, they love drunk. And sweaty. And puke. It’s awesome.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Have three dogs ,my husband and I we love them just like our kids!to me may I say oh no-oh -people are do not like DOGS- I don’t TRUST them!
FUNNY!!FUNNY!!FUNNY!!!!!!!
You liked it so much you said it thrice!
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Now I know why I need a dog and should lose a few family members.
Omar, it worked for me! :D
Easier said than done. What life has taught me is that the more annoying they are, the harder it is to get rid of them :)
When my dog was a puppy it was so sweet to have her cuddle up on my lap. Downside is my puppy grew in to a 95 pound Rottweiler who still thinks my lap is the best place to be. Love her to much to tell her no, it would break her heart.
@wynona
I had/have an English Mastiff puppy that loved to sleep on my lap. Unfortunately, she did the same thing and grew into a 160lb lap warmer, who still thinks that cold winter mornings are best spent on my lap:)
@TDG
Going to have to strongly disagree with you on argument 1. Having been owned by several different dogs over my 42+ years, I can definitely say that dogs will argue and talk back! However, have to agree with you on the rest of the points, and some of the others mentioned in the posts.
A home is not a home without a dog in it!
I have spoken too soon. My Border Collie now talks. “Noooooooo.” It’s a riot.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
I guess I AM the crazy dog lady. I was just explaining to my dog yesterday how her ice cube could change form from a solid to a liquid, going into great detail about the effect of temperature on the behavior of molecules. She was clearly so interested that I went on to discuss a bit of calculus as well.
We were on the front patio with neighbors passing by, but Gizmo and I were so caught up in ‘our discussion’ that I felt it a perfectly normal conversation between friends. Dogs really DO LOOK YOU IN THE EYE and appear to be paying such close attention that one could swear they understand and even appreciate what you’re saying to them. (My son, on the other hand, just says “uh-huh” and tunes me out.) hmmm.. wonder whether my neighbors think I’m crazy for trying to teach a puppy math and chemistry. oh well, doesn’t matter. We like it!
thanks for cool post.
You never know. Dogs can do some pretty weird stuff. Like find dead people and drugs.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
A house without a dog is not a home.
People who don’t like dogs are very cold and suspicious people.
Dogs don’t lie.
Dogs are the most supportive beings alive.
My Vizsla at 4 months old licked my face at nite to wake me up, warning me of low blood sugars and is a reality check when I hear things that aren’t really there. God bless her. :)
My old dog used to know when my kids had ear infections. It was so bizarre. She’d start sniffing and licking their ears.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
You forgot you have to feed them. Pick up their droppings. Wipe up the mud from their feet. etc.
Anyone who owns a dog will completely understand this: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
Enjoy the adventures of Simple Dog.
I love Simple Dog. In fact, I have simple dog and helper dog at home! Honest! She could be writing that about us. Except no hardwood floors and we never moved across the country. Ok, so not exactly like us.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Christine, the Simple Dog is so funny!!!! Thanks and kudos on yer upcoming book! And thank you, as well, Domestic Goddess. for your entertaining and insightful posts on doggies!
I love dogs… I miss my dogs ( they have all passed on by now).. I am not allowed dogs in my apartment… so I have parrots… they are very dog like… except parrots poop on you… my dogs never pooped ON me…lol
Oh and parrots do talk back!!
I think Marg has waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on her hands.
get a life loser
I love this! But I have to agree with the others about dogs who talk back. My almost 5 month old St. Bernard/Newfoundland mix puppy (yes, I have lost my mind) will actually sit and argue with me when she doesn’t like what I have to say. And she doesn’t care if we’re home or not. Needless to say, it’s lovely walking down the street arguing with a small bear. At least noone bothers me… And my puppy loves me no matter what!
Twitter Name: M1ssMamaDee
Hey John, don’t want to cloud any issues you may have, but man, the topic is about dogs and love of animals. Your self debasing of ones self is understood. Man, you are one sick puppy.Go get some help.
Hey John, don’t want to cloud any issues you may have, but man, the topic is about dogs and love of animals. Your self debasing of ones self is understood. Man, you are one sick puppy.Go get some help.
I could have written this article myself. Love dogs!! Great writer, thanks for the laugh.
And oh… please adopt, don’t buy pets. Too many millions are killed every year.
Dogs don’t care how much money you make, or about the title of your job. Dogs only want food and companionship. Hell, you could be homeless and a dog would love you. Dogs and capable of unconditional love. Something that is absent from human societies.
Dogs – 1
Women – 0
Twitter Name: Mark
:) LOL
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