I was having a conversation with a friend today, when she told me she was planning to close her Facebook account because of some drama that had gone down that reminded her of the ugliness of high school. She felt social media had undermined the established etiquette of face-to-face communication and given people license to spew vitriol in ways they never would in the flesh.
Naturally, my friend and I were having this conversation on–you guessed it–Facebook. And, in fact, she is one of the many people I consider a friend, without having met them in person.
Although I’m often deeply suspicious of/annoyed by/resentful of Facebook, I felt compelled to defend it as a legitimate forum for communication, having advantages and drawbacks comparable to any other.
This time, I used one of my pet linguistic theories to defend the medium as well as the the guy she felt had slighted her. After all, I am sometimes an English teacher, and I have a master’s degree in Rhetoric. Who better to smooth the choppy waters of the information superhighway through concise linguistic analysis, which, as we know, is the best salve for the slings and arrows of the human barnyard we call communication?
The conversation went a little something like this (I’m calling my friend “Nubbin.” Just because):
Nubbin: I’m just sick of people who attack me when I discuss politics on Facebook. I feel like my page is my home. If I invite you in, you need to be civil.
Me: You know, I have a theory about that.
Nubbin: Yeah?
[at this point, if it were a face-to-face conversation, I would have noticed her eyes rolling]
Me: Yeah. The problem might not be one of etiquette, but rather of language. People are often too unskilled, unpracticed or flat-out lazy to write in a way that their arguments are tempered with the proper qualifications. If you were talking to this guy in person, he might have read your reactions and backpedaled a bit. Or, perhaps, used some conciliatory body language to show that his overall feelings about you weren’t changed by his reaction to what you had said. You know, it’s pretty quick and easy to shrug in just the right way to convey: “I really love you, but I think you’re misguided in this line of thinking. That doesn’t mean that I don’t respect you as a person, or your opinions, even if they may be different than my own. I’m sure this disagreement will have no bearing on the future of our deep and abiding friendship.” It’s just too hard to write all of that sometimes, so people tend to come off as a bit terse.
Nubbin: He called me a cunt.
Me: Oh. Well. Yeah. That’s pretty terse.
***
The failure to assuage my friend’s disgust notwithstanding, I’m still inclined to defend Facebook against some of the charges I hear leveled against it by the few grumpy friends I have that still like to communicate by old-fashioned email.
Charge: The stuff people say on Facebook is stupid and frivolous.
- Defense: It’s true. There is no disputing that 90% of the chatter on Facebook is about cats, lunchtime plans, and “funny” things people’s children said. But guess what, haters? Most of what people say in “real life” is pointless bullshit as well. Do you complain bitterly when your colleagues talk about the weather, the local sports team, what happened on CSI last night? (Okay–I don’t have a job or a TV, so that might not be an accurate reflection of what gets discussed around the water cooler these days, but you catch my drift, right? Also, do offices still have water coolers?)
Charge: People are aggressive on Facebook because they feel safe behind the barrier of their computer screens.
- Defense: Some people are just assholes. Aren’t you glad you know who they are now? You know how to “unfriend,” right? Or, if you want to spare their feelings (emotionally stunted thought they may be), you can always just “hide” them.
Charge: Facebook is a timesuck that keeps me from doing worthwhile things.
- Defense: You probably know what I’m going to say here. But, I’ll say it, anyway. So is talking to your mom on the phone or having a beer with your friend.
I don’t think that Facebook or Twitter or any of that stuff is as revolutionary as some people make it out to be. It’s just another mode of communication, and it happens to be fast, free, and far-reaching. Sure, it’s got all kinds of problems associated with it. Just like every other way of communicating. A lot of people thought the telephone was going to destroy our sense of manners and our ability to make personal connections. Maybe it did. But we came up with new manners to take the old ones places.
But here’s the thing, as far as I’m concerned: because I’m a stay-at-home dad, I have very small windows of time during the days and evenings when I can go places where I can talk to other grown ups while trying to tend to the myriad needs of the twins. Usually, what we talk about is our kids.
Theoretically, I could sneak out after the kids are in bed and all the chores are done, and hang out with adults who are not my wife. This requires not only great motivation and logistical aplomb on my part, but on the part of the other adult as well. It happens from time to time, but not that often.
So do I feel the isolation of a Valium-popping housewife from the 60s? Nope. And that’s in no small part due to the magic of the interwebs. I’ve got access to all kinds of friends, be they real or imaginary.
Ten years ago, I hardly ever used a computer. I shared an email address with my wife and got upset when she forgot to alert me when I got my once-a-month message from some distant friend or relative. There was no Facebook back then, but there were chat rooms, which I didn’t understand but thought were for complete losers. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would be defending the robot network as a legitimate way to communicate. Of course, I never would have guessed that I would be a stay-at-home dad either.
About BetaDad
I have to admit I’m a new to the bloggie world and I am one of “those people” who think Facebook is pretty creepy. I have dreams of legions of my most favorite high school frenemies stalking me without remorse. It gives me chills even now!
Anyhoo; I get a giggle out of having my cousins having to call me on the phone every time they are making fun of me on Facebook so they can let me in on the joke.
I think it’s pretty funny too, when I talk to my Luddite friends and have to get them up to speed on all our mutual acquaintances. All my intel is from Facebook. I’m like, “Why don’t you just JOIN? You don’t have to post anything. You can just lurk.” Mostly these backwards people are kind of cute.
I work at home and I’m convinced I would be the Valium-popping, cooking-Sherry swilling housewife (in cold cream and curlers) wimpering softly on a good day were it not for social media.
Instead, I’m the coffee swilling, fudsicles and Cheetos eating, play-with-the-dogging tweeter, blogger, commenter and uberprocrastinator I am today. Yay me!!! Since I’m also a serial giver, I’m hoovering money to all kinds of great causes I’ve discovered online. I can send money online… while I’m not working and making money.. and I really like it, hell Love it.. although I now have the attention span of a turnip, but that’s okay (who cares I’ll forget anyway…)
You’re right, my new friend.. :) This is magic.
Twitter Name: writewrds
I can’t imagine life with out the internetz, regardless of ones occupation. But at-home parenting with no social network? Unsurvivable.
I love facebook. I’ve reestablished friendships that dried up 30 years ago, I get to keep up with family who are scattered across the country and I can facebook stalk other people’s photos when I’m bored..what’s not to love?
All in all, it’s really up to each one of us to thicken up our collective skins. If you post a definitive opinion on a subject that is often polarizing, such as politics or religion, you’re going to get push back. And sometimes that push back is going to involve the dreaded ‘see you next Tuesday’ word. (personally, I find that word used at appropriate times can have a WONDERFULLY comic effect).
I have strong opinions. I welcome the opposite. However, if someone continually posts shit I have NO interest in, well..the hide button is your friend. Or you can unfriend them.
Yeah–either thicken your skin, or learn to make your points in a measured, less contentious way. Either way, a good exercise in communication skills.
Twitter Name: betadad
Bravo and touché ;~)
Twitter Name: NubianOR
Heh.
Twitter Name: betadad
Oh..and I forgot to mention this.. LOVE this post.
Thanks for loving!
Twitter Name: betadad
well done. i present a similar argument to those who feel that online lives endanger our real ones.
virtual is now part of the real world. the same attributes of the world built with brick and mortar exist in the one staring back at you from your computer monitor. both good and bad.
so i’m down w/ social network sites. besides, without them, how would we ever identify assholes like Weiner? and if we didn’t identify him, then i’d never be able to sit around and make up headlines i wish i could write like: Wife Apparently Standing Behind Weiner.
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
That’s the real crux of the issue–”virtual now part of the real world.” Well said.
How about “Wife Supports Weiner”?
Twitter Name: betadad
Very true. While most of the Internet and FB may be trivial (and I’m guilty of that!) I am thankful for how much I’ve learnt, amazing people I’ve discovered (such as yourself) and friendships I’ve kept, made and rekindled. I couldn’t imagine life without it now!
Yeah. You can’t restrict all of your conversation to the day’s most pressing issue. There’s a real social value to small talk and goofing off.
Twitter Name: betadad
I think all the Facebook haters keep forgetting one thing; they can just not go there!! I’m a huge fan of Facebook, for all the reasons people have already listed. All the haters need to stop hating and stop complaining about all the people they think are ‘hating’ on Facebook. Go find something else to do…whittle a duck out of a piece of wood or something.
ps – chat rooms? In the 90s I was HUGE into IRC chat rooms…oh yeah. ASCII pictures everywhere!!
Twitter Name: lucynamackay
Word. GO WHITTLE DUCKS, HATERS!!!
Twitter Name: betadad
I think the bottom line is that you can’t put the genie back in the bottle, to quote Hugh Hefner, (who probably didn’t actually coin the phrase but whatever).
One can refuse to embrace social media but in the end, they’re only alienating themselves as it becomes more and more ubiquitous.
The internet is a prime example… These days you can hardly do anything without being referred to a web site for more information, instructions, to order parts or peruse a broader selection of products. It’s a part of the landscape now and it’s not going away.
For better or worse, social media is here to stay. Might as well make it do your bidding!
Twitter Name: izzymom
I love FB. And I really try to only friend funny people and/or positive people. I will HIDE you, dammit.
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
To your first point about the inane chatter on facebook vs the inane chatter in real life: IRL, you can choose who to chatter inanely with. You might think of all the inane chatterers in the world, the ones you’ve chosen are the least inane. On facebook, you have to read everyone’s inane chatter. The cousin of your sister in law, the pet groomer of your uncle’s lawyer, etc. And the people who are chronic abusers of this well, tell the people you work with or your spouse that omg work sucks. We all know it already. It’s a lot of effort to log on and type something like that.
As you can tell, I really like Facebook.
Twitter Name: Homemakerman
I wish you had a “like” button! Thanks for the great read!
I find the “Hide” mechanism to be invaluable on my Facebook account. Therefore, my old buddy from high school who wants to give daily diatribes about his dates and partying, I don’t have to read about it but I also don’t hurt his feelings. He’ll never know. Of course, it can be a bit of a curse in that I don’t remember who all of my friends on there are at times, but totally worth the tradeoff.
Great hammer of Thor, that is powerfully hpelufl!