Summer is here and you know what that means, right?
No, not lazy days by the pool flaunting my fabulous bikinilicious bod while listening to the tinkle of happy children playing in the background.
For starters, the pool we have in our backyard is about one foot tall and it’s filled with a unique mixture of sand, dirt, dead mosquitoes, shriveled grass and some kind of substance that resembles a failed casserole I once baked.
And my bikini body? Well, it’s seen better days.
But it is summer and that means we need to do something summer-y, right? I mean outside of letting the kids cool off in the delightful sand pit/mosquito cesspool we have in our backyard.
My husband’s favorite summer activity is camping. Now, to say I am not a camper would probably be the understatement of the year. Especially considering I almost never go anywhere that doesn’t have central AC, clean restrooms, and an absence of any and all six-legged creatures that enjoy burrowing in your underwear and leaving your ladyparts feeling like they’ve been tattooed with fire. But when your husband bribes you with a once in a lifetime opportunity to view him in a tiger thong, well, some things are just too good to pass up.
Which is how I ended up going camping a few years ago for the first time with a six-month-old infant and a three-year- old.
Now, if you are a lover of camping, you are probably holding up the tiniest violin in the world and playing it for me right now. But seriously. What exactly is fun about being a million miles from civilization, with no hair dryer, sand in your underwear, a pile of rocks as a bed, and no way to communicate with the world, not even Wifi? And all while trying to keep two small children from maiming and/or killing themselves. It’s beyond me. Really.
But ever since we had kids, my husband had been begging, pleading, and bribing me to go camping with him. So … finally, a few years ago I relented. What could be so bad about a couple of days roughing it in the Great Outdoors? It might even be nice, right? Sunshine. Afternoons by the river. Cool breezes. Campfires. Hot smoky delicious BBQ…
Yeah, all that might have been nice if you didn’t also add torrential rainstorms alternating with three-digit-temperatures, a collapsed tent, port-a-potties that resembled the inside of Uncle Lester’s colon, hour long lines for the shower, and a WWIII style fire ant and chigger infestation.
Needless to say, I wasn’t a camping convert.
But somehow, I did get roped into returning every year since. Because the kids loved it. And I’m a sucker for the children.
Last year, we (read: me) decided to rough it a little less and rented a cabin. The cabin was Nirvana. It had central AC, a mini-fridge, a two-burner stovetop, cabinets for food storage, real beds, and (most importantly) its very own bathroom.
Unfortunately, the bathroom came in EXTRA handy because we all got struck down with some kind of horrific stomach bug that gave everyone bad gas and state-of-the-art diarrhea.
Have you ever camped with a bunch of people suffering from bad gas and state-of-the-art diarrhea? It’s a special experience.
Starting from the road trip where your two-year-old blows out his diaper all over his car seat and you aren’t able to get into your cabin until several hours later. So you spend the first hour of your camping trip hosing toxic green diarrhea off your car seat by the side of the road with all the help of a leaky spigot and a pack of Wet Wipes. Yeeeeeaaaaaah. These are good times. Are you jealous yet?
Then you spend the rest of the trip either running to the bathrooms (which are NO WHERE by the way when you are in the middle of the forest) or trying to act like you didn’t crap yourself while your family and hundreds of other campers look on and pretend not to notice the green slime oozing out of your bathing suit.
And so, thanks to my very special personal experience, I am here to give you just a few camping tips from the anti-camper:
- If you plan to go camping, make sure to pack plenty of extras. You never know what your experience will entail and being extra prepared is always a benefit. Extra swimsuits, extra toilet paper, extra Imodium AD, and most especially extra car seats for both of your children. Just in case they both get a raging case of diarrhea en route. This way, you can just throw away the diarrhea car seats and not spend half your trip smelling rotting diarrhea.
- Also bring an extra tent in case your tent shreds apart in the torrential rainstorm that is bound to happen even if the weather predicts sunny skies straight for the next three months.
- Make sure to pack a full first aid kit in case you get attacked by a colony of fire ants and all their ant brethren from the adjoining four states.
- Pack no less than 75 packages of Wet Wipes and 62 cans of Lysol. Trust me that you will need them all when you are dealing with the aftermath of previously mentioned diarrhea blowouts.
- No matter how much your children beg you, do not spend time in the stagnant water at the edges of the creek looking for tadpoles. The thousands of chigger bites you will discover several days later all over your ladyparts will most certainly be enough to require hospitalization and years of therapy.
- Any camping trip that ends with a torrential rainstorm and a visit from the park rangers to inform you that if you don’t leave the park within three minutes or less, you may be stuck for the next week or so—is always a plus. Consider such events good luck, pop another Imodium AD, and book your camping trip for next year immediately.
About Naomi De La Torre
I think I just threw up in my mouth and peed my pants at the same time. Please don’t ever say bug-infested lady parts or diarrhea again. That is all.
Tee hee. xoxoxo
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Oh..TOO true to life.
Remind me to tell you about the time we and the sewers there rose up!!! or septics or whatever they’re called in the wild.
RUN!!!!!!!!
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Ummmmmmm…that’s sounds like the story of the year. Can I hear it now???? Pretty pulllllease?
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
If I’m going to be outside, I want quick access to bug-free indoor plumbing, cabana boys with trays of cold drinks, and ready access to food cooked in a multi-star kitchen.
Do I sound like a brat? I’m okay with that.
You are such a good wife and mother. I keep saying I’ll go camping, for the kids and all that, but so far I’ve avoided it. I’ve encouraged Father-Son bonding instead.
One day I’ll have to break down and go, so I’m bookmarking your handy tips now.
Twitter Name: Missy_Stevens
Right on. Camping is staying at a hotel without room service. And full access to chlorinated and non-bug infested bodies of water. Maybe we can send our hubs and kids off together next time?
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
I like the way you think! My girlfriend dumped our kids in the motorhome with my husband & got a hotel. Best sleep I’ve had in years.
Twitter Name: grandemocha
That sounds like a plan. I’m thinking we 3 need to vacay together. Like immediately.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
A-M-E-N.
Vacation needs:
1. One, all ammenities including, BATHROOM. Private. Requires sink, shower and WORKING toilet.
2. A pool. Not a lake, river, or even ocean (although ocean views are welcome), but a chemically treated body of water for cooling off.
3. Nearby liquor stores.
4. A place to which you can walk in less than 5 mins to pick up more mix when you run out in the middle of the night.
5. Beds. Whether you sleep, or not.
Otherwise? I’d rather stay home.
I bow down and worship your proverbial wisdom. And now, will you please write a letter to my husband about appropiate vacay requirements? I think he believes I’m the only one in the world who feels this way. Hahaahaha.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
SO,I am not a camper.Have never been. AM going to try it in the backyard in the near future. BUT ,that being said,I have lived in TENNESSEE and where I was, was certainly like being in the wild. MY back yard was the forest and river and my front yard was the Smokey Mountains. And I didn’t have to go any further than my front yard to catch my first ( and hopefully last) case of raging chiggers. How I hate those bastards. In case you don’t know how to cure them…cover those effers with clear nail polish.It suffocates them and will save your life! I agree with the previous poster, please god never mention diarrhea again:(
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
OMG. I would DIE if I had chiggers in my backyard. No really. After that experience with chiggers all over my hoo-ha, I seriously thought I might not live to see my vag without fiery blisters again. Still suffering from PTCS (post traumatic chigger syndrome) now. HELP
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
AT the same time tho, I must say, your backyard in TN sounds like it was really pretty. In a beautiful chigger infested kind of way.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
Um, contrary to Kara above, I DO want you to say bug-infested ladyparts and diarrhea again. The more frequently, the better. Hilarious. Will be thinking about this while I’m camping with my little ones this summer (and most certainly attracting things to my ladyparts – and I’m not talking about my husband).
Twitter Name: LauraMiri
Laura, you’re my kinda gal.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
This is the funniest thing I have read in MONTHS. Camping tip #1 seriously had me crying. Love it!
Thanks Jill!!! You’re a sweetheart. Rotting diarrhea really is a particularly pungent odor I’d prefer to NEVER smell again. Heh.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
OMG! Thank you for reminding me why I will not go camping. Some days I sit and day dream about sitting around a fire with smores and telling stories. Days filled with all kinda wonderful family time that could be used in a Hallmark movie….
Not in my life sister! Anything and everything that could go wrong would. As far as port a pottys, well I don’t use the bathroom in any public bathroom, indoors or out!
April, TRUST ME when I say that you aren’t missing much. And that Hallmark card dream? Smear a little diarrhea on it, dip it in stagnant water and douse it with chiggers and fire ants. THEN and ONLY THEN will you have an accurate portrayal of the many joys and wonders of camping.
Twitter Name: coolwhipmom
You can’t trust camping
Twitter Name: TamingInsanity
Camping has only one thing to recommend it. It is cheaper than getting a hotel room.
But who needs money anyway?
Twitter Name: pocketropolis
I don’t know what chiggers are. I wondered for a bit, then I read about the green diarrhea and figured I knew enough.
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
Dear God you’re funny.
Twitter Name: trinity67
I love nature but not in my bikini bottoms! Are chiggers like blackflies? An insect repellent has not yet been invented to keep those off human flesh.
Twitter Name: littleanimation
Ah now see we’ve been eyeing up tents with a view of trying out camping, I’m thinking maybe we shouldn’t bother and try a spot of Spanish island hopping instead.
Twitter Name: vbincatalunya
I cannot think of camping anymore without thinking of Immodium AD.
Twitter Name: TamingInsanity
The investigation that has gone into this article is immense, should have taken you a lifetime to write this!