I’m approaching the home stretch, which is to say, I’m more than halfway through (I ran cross-country track in high school, and generally considered a race a victory if I made it to the midpoint without faking a sprained ankle or projectile vomiting). But even though I’m signed up for childbirth classes and have a shelf full of pregnancy books, I feel I need some more preparation, something more extreme than carrying an egg around with me at all times and trying not to break (or eat) it.
(P.S. Does anyone actually do the egg thing outside of TV high schools? I don’t know because I was too busy watching TV.)
So I polled my friends who have successfully ejected a human from ‘twixt their thighs (what, you thought I’d get through one post without alluding to vaginas? For shame…) and came up with a prenatal boot camp routine.
- Get in shower. Lather up. Get out and have someone suck on your boob for awhile while you are blinded by rogue drops of Garnier Fructis. Get back in shower and have someone scream unintelligible things at you while you try to finish washing your hair and sing simultaneously. Stop shaving your legs.
- Set alarm clock (programmed to sound like Janis Joplin hitting a high note) to go off every two hours from 10 pm to 8 am. Get up and alternate trying to tie a plastic bag onto the bottom half of a greased-up watermelon, walking around your house bouncing a 10-lb sack of flour up and down while stepping on your cat’s tail over and over to elicit ear-shattering shrieks, and sitting in a rocking chair with a bicycle pump attached to your nipple (note: also remember to alternate nipples).
- Whenever your friends take a bite of something they don’t like, have them spit it out into your hand unannounced.
- Douse shirt with strategically-placed splashes of liquid every time you hear, see, smell, or so much as think about babies.
- Become comfortable with sniffing other people’s butts without even flinching. Mall escalators are a great place to practice.
- Begin depositing your feces in a small garbage can in the nursery. Enjoy the resulting fragrance (Glade Plug-Ins, eat your heart out!)
- Get really drunk and duct tape your toilet seat and all cabinets shut. Forget you did this and then try to open them. Hilarity will ensue.
- Soak some Cheerios in milk. Drain. Plant strategically in living room carpet while listening to endless loop of Elmo’s Rap Alphabet.
- Stop having sex. Replace with lengthy conversations about breast pumping (candlelight optional).
Did I miss anything? It’s super important that I cover all of my bases here. Because prenatal yoga and kegel exercises are all well and good, but unless I can soothe a wailing baby with my clenched glutes* I’m afraid they’re not going to take me very far after the birth.
*Update: I tried this with my practice egg. Do not recommend.