I realized at the pool with my kids last week that I’m ready to move on to The Big Straw Hat Phase of my life. I sat in the direct Mississippi sun, on a day of record highs, with sweat dripping down my face and into my eyes and wished for a hat large enough to shade my entire body. Including my toes. While lying on a chaise lounge.
I’m over trying to look cute at the pool. I am no longer worried about having raccoon eyes from ridiculously large sunglasses. If it will help to slow the hands of time and the inevitable arrival of my crow’s feet then sign me up.
I’m not worried about putting lemon juice in my hair to save a few bucks on highlights at the salon. Life, and my brunette roots have taught me that Sun-In and lemon juice will only lead me to hair a shade of orange that would make Little Orphan Annie raise an eyebrow. Highlights that are “Do It Yourself,” usually have to be undone by someone else. Learn from my mistakes, young, spry brunettes of the world.
Not only do I have a hankering for a Southern Lady Sombrero, as my friend Matt calls them, I feel I’m moving toward the swim-dress phase of my life. I realized after I had three kids in four years that my days in a bikini were probably over. I even cared for a little while. I fooled myself into saving a few triangle top bikinis from my college days. Oh, I am laughing so hard I am crying just thinking about this body in those swimsuits now.
Ladies, here’s a free little public service announcement: just because they make a string bikini in your size doesn’t mean you should wear it in public. I’m not saying big isn’t beautiful, because it is— in a swim-dress and sombrero.
I’ve learned some valuable lessons from my fellow vacationers this weekend, and I’m not going to be the old lady at the pool who bought her bathing suit in the Girls’ Department at Target. I would rather people judge me for my swim skirt and say to each other, “Well, she doesn’t need to wear that.” Than look at me in a teeny bopper bikini and say to each other, “She REALLY shouldn’t be wearing that.” See the difference?
So, I’m easing into the Straw Hat Phase- with it’s ginormous sunglasses and stylish mini-swim skirts. I don’t want to think about sucking it in and when I shaved last. I want to skirt that mess and be done with it. I have more important things to worry about at the pool, like if all my kids are above water, if my Diet Coke is cold and not getting caught stealing my kids’ Doritos.
I am done slipping my spaghetti swimsuit straps off of my shoulders to avoid leaving unsightly tan-lines. At this point in my life I only worry if my bathing suit straps have the capacity to support my business and a thirty-pound toddler at the same time. And if I find the hat I’m looking for, I won’t have to worry about tan-lines at all. The Big Straw Hat is going to shade everyone within a five foot radius of me and my Diet Coke.
What’s the current swimsuit stage of your life? Are you one of those ridiculous moms who actually still looks like Heidi Klum in your string bikini, or are you one step away from a MuuMuu and aquasocks?
Robin O’Bryant is a stay-at-home-mother to three daughters born within four years, she has recently learned where babies come from and gotten herself under control. Robin survives the drama and hilarity of motherhood by making fun of herself in her self-syndicated family humor column, Robin’s Chicks, which runs 8 newspapers in three states across the Southeast and on her blog by the same name. She writes A LOT, mostly in 140 character increments. (@robinobryant) Her two ah-mazing manuscripts are represented by Jenny Bent of The Bent Agency and are FOR SALE. CAN YOU SEE THIS PUBLISHERS??
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This made me laugh out loud.
I am living this.
The only thing I think is great about aging is that I just don’t care what others think. I need to be comfortable, look as good as possible but age appropriate and if my legs are still ghostly pale – so be it. I won’t have those dreadful Arizona lady wrinkly tanned knees. :-)
And as a brunette who used Sun-In in her youth….I too remember that orange hair.
Now I wear a big ole hat to protect my professional color from fading. Because I do like to keep the gray out.
What is with the tanned knees!!? I noticed this phenomenon on myself while we were at the beach! I now apply SPF 30 all over and 50 on my knees!!
Twitter Name: robinobryant
Hee! Tears are rolling down my cheeks because I am so there! I found a skirted swimsuit at Lane Bryant last week, tried it out at the pool with my still-slim GF and her son, and was not the least bit envious of her teeny suit that required tugging and straightening every time she moved. I enjoyed the hell out of my wedgie-free ‘mom suit’ that didn’t sag and threaten to show the goodies every time my toddler grabbed me to be lifted out of the water!
That’s right Gurl!! I bet you looked FIERCE!! Work it out Mommy!
Twitter Name: robinobryant
Because 40 is looming on the horizon and I’ve had two c-sections, my midsection has not been on display for a looong time. Last year I bought a skirted swimsuit bottom for the first time (I like to delude myself that it’s cute and flirty, not middle aged and frumpy.) Also, because I am Irish and have every risk of skin cancer known to man, I am very close to big straw hat territory. I’m still in “cute sun hat” stages now, shielding my face, but the hats are growing as the years go by.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
I had to a hat smaller than the one I’m wearing in the pic because it was so big and floppy I had ZERO peripheral vision and I couldn’t keep an eye on my kids in the pool!! #BigHatFAIL It’s perfect for reading or alone time outside though!
Twitter Name: robinobryant
I’ve been thinking of investing in a big hat too. So I can better protect my moon burn!
Hey my mom has that hat!
Boobs, belly, butt, veins in my legs, I’m thinking the big hat’s just not gonna do it.
Point me in the direction of the camping equipment store maybe they have a nice feminine tent for this 50+ gal :)
Hmmm, a tent isn’t a bad idea at all. Then I could sit on the beach and no one could even SEE me!! I’m in!
Twitter Name: robinobryant
I can’t stop laughing at your post. Although might I recommend swim shorts over the swim skirt? They are quite cute and, in my humble opinion, just slightly “cooler” than the skirt LOL. Although, maybe I’m just kidding myself. I gave up cool a few years ago. I have to agree, after having three kids myself in a short amount of time, the bikini days are long gone! I must get one of those large straw hats though. After driving my kids nuts with constant sunscreen applications over the weekend, I neglected myself and am now suffering a burn I haven’t experience since high school. Kinda figures!
I had downsize to a hat smaller than the one I’m wearing in the pic because it was so big and floppy I had ZERO peripheral vision and I couldn’t keep an eye on my kids in the pool!! #BigHatFAIL It’s perfect for reading or alone time outside though!
Twitter Name: robinobryant
I zoomed right past that cute swim skirt and moved into board shorts and a tankini. I’m >< that far away from looking like a 1920's bathing suit.
Twitter Name: therealneeroc
Dude…I wish I could sport the board shorts. My thighs just. won’t. let me.
Twitter Name: dogsarehome
I am so with you on this. I like the hat idea. think i will get me one too.
Oh, girl! I am swim skirt and Southern Lady Sombrero all the way, and I have been for years. But you know what I really don’t understand? People who put photos of themselves in their swimsuits on Facebook… as their profile pictures! I mean, I’m happy for them (in the way that you’re happy for someone who you want to slap) that they’ve still got it, but I can’t imagine ever having looked good enough in a swimsuit that I would want everyone I know (and some people I don’t know) to see me in it. I’m just sayin’.
Fun post!
Twitter Name: Kenna_Ray
BWAHAHAHAHA!! I told my husband, “Take a picture of me in my hat for Facebook,” because I had been talking about it for weeks while I was looking for it.
He took a FULL BODY SHOT of me all greased up by the pool. He handed me my phone back and I looked at the pic and yelled, “WHAT THE HELL??! DO I LOOK like the girl who puts a pic of herself in a BATHING SUIT on Facebook? Don’t you think I would have AT LEAST sucked it in??”
We had a do-over.
Twitter Name: robinobryant
I am pretty much in the same stage you are…minus one daughter. I’m all about the bigt sunglasses and floppy hats and mini swim dresses…plus the Old Navy dresses to go over them.
Twitter Name: dogsarehome
Totally feel you! Let’s do this thing gracefully!
Twitter Name: robinobryant
I’ve never understood the stigma against swim-skirts. I really like the idea, and it strikes me as really feminine. I would like to see them gain traction in the swimsuit fashion scene.
Then again, I have NEVER worn a bikini. Far too self-conscious of my body. I’ve also never had kids, so whatever.
Twitter Name: escameron
Just work it girl! Kids, no kids! You find something you feel good about yourself in and WORK IT!
Twitter Name: robinobryant
OMG, this had me going, I am so with ya…..even if I still had the body of my youth (which after 3 kids and too much fast food I am way far from) I never wore a bikini, and I kinda like the skirt–not so much a fan of the prints I had to choose from though. Agreed on the too big hat, was hard to keep track unless the kids were right in front of me, need to downsize just a little bit:)
Twitter Name: violethare
I found a really cute black skirt at Walmart. I think if you get too “busy” with your prints you may be doing more harm than good by drawing attention to the skirt area. Ya know?
Twitter Name: robinobryant
Wait I sell those hats! Avon, message me :P
Boutique Designs over on FaceBook has some FAB-A-LOUS big floppy hats :)