Your Mouth Just Wrote a Check That Your Ass Can’t Cash

I called the cops on two girls because they made fun of my hair.

Let me explain.

Nothing makes me more upset than terrible drivers. I’m not talking about people that miss an exit, or drive a little too slow in the fast lane. I’m talking about people who text while doing 80mph. Or people who miss an exit and then BACK UP on the highway to correct their mistake (a Rhode Island staple, that one). Or people who run stop signs because they’re too busy digging around the floor of their car for the French fry they dropped.

I spend most of my time on a college campus, so I’m around these types of drivers 90% of the time.

A few weeks ago, I was leaving school and driving down the main road. A black car with two teenage girls inside was parked on the curb, and swerved out in front of me without a blinker. Not a world ending occurrence, but a dick move all the same. I beeped lightly, just to let them know I was there, because hey! maybe since you swerved out in front of me you DIDN’T SEE ME YOU USELESS BAG OF –

So I honked, and out came the fingers. They were throwing fingers out of the windows, the sun roof, inside the car, out of the tailpipe – it was a Fuck You Festival! Just because of my little beep. I let it go.

Then they started making fun of my hair.

I hate to break it to you, but my hair is awesome. I rock an afro, and with my alarmingly tall stature and stunning natural beauty (matched only by my humble and sarcastic demeanor), I am probably the best thing you’re going to see all day. But THESE motherfuckers started holding their hands out to the sides of their heads, making faces, and laughing.

I waited a beat.

And then I called the cops.

To be fair, I called the cops because the driver was erratic and reckless. She was driving really fast through a school zone right at the time kids got out of school, and trying to pass people on a double-lined road. She was driving like a dick.

The fact that she was also ACTING like a dick didn’t win her any favors.

I followed the car while I had the cops on the line, and described the make/model while giving the license plate. A police officer parked nearby was radioed, and pulled them over within a few minutes. The look on their faces as I drove by (very, very slowly) was priceless.

I don’t think I overreacted. But I do think that I need to start taking the bus.

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  1. Courtney says:

    1. I am mad jealous of your afro. I know that I am completely unable to have one outside of a ridiculous wig, but it’s one of my favorite hair styles for women.

    2. Good for you. They were mannerless mega jerks. (Granted, I can say Fuck you, but I can’t give the finger. It feels weird.)

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    • DanielleH says:

      “I can say Fuck you, but I can’t give the finger.”

      As a seasoned pro, I teach classes on this very thing. :)

  2. Ali says:

    You just did what we’ve all wanted to do hundreds of times. GOOD FOR YOU! I’m a little jealous.

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  3. Lori says:


  4. Nice! I hope you gave them a big smile & waved enthusiastically while you drove by very, very slowly.

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    • DanielleH says:

      I resisted the urge and just gave a tiny smile. I should keep fireworks in the car for this very thing, though, because that’s what I FELT like doing – lighting fireworks.

  5. VaNessa says:

    you rock! And keep rockin that Afro. Your me new hero.

  6. My hero. :D

    I once wrote a letter to college paper after nearly being hit in a crosswalk between campus and the bus stop, zillions of times. I said, in part, “I will sue the driver, their parents, the campus, and the city…”

    THE. VERY. NEXT. DAY. There were policemen conducting traffic at that corner, and within weeks? A traffic signal. Heh.

    One of my profs approached me and said, “I loved your letter to the editor. It’s really bad around campus.”


    Way to go girl, rawk that ‘fro.

    • DanielleH says:

      OMG, threaten to sue? You’ve got the college by the balls, because they usually don’t want to spend a dime outside of their budget. GOOD CALL!

      • Exactly.

        After nearly being ran down on a daily basis while in the crosswalk, the straw that broke this camel’s back was watching an 18-something in a fancy Mustang almost take out a very pregnant woman. “Stop sign? Not for me, I’ll just cut in front of the lil’ lady, no one’s the wiser.”


        To all the students, professors, and staff who come behind me, you’re welcome. :D (This was in 2007).


  7. IzzyMom says:

    OMG..I think I love you.

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  8. Jared Karol says:

    That is awesome. I’m glad you did that. Did you take a pic of their faces? Would love to see that. And, yes, the bus might be a good option.

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    • DanielleH says:

      I thought it would be a little much to take a picture, but I have the image burned into my head. Maybe I should paint a huge, over-the-couch style portrait of the event?

  9. Helen says:

    I hear you!
    Here is Sweden the drivers have generally got a pretty healthy respect for the snow but then, suddenly, the snow goes … and a proportion of drivers turn into absolute maniacs – speeding, overtaking on blind bends, racing along the wrong side of the road for hundred of metres before the run that they want to take, really crazy! (Of course it’s about this time of year that the roads clog up with tractors as well, tall tractors with double trailers …. you can imagine how the maniac drivers react to those!)

  10. Deb Rox says:

    In my best Kathy Bates voice, I shout: TOWANDA! {You win, big time!}

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  11. Kizz says:

    Not even close to an over reaction.

    I’ll defend that whole missing the exit thing. I mean, RI is tiny, you miss one exit and you could accidentally leave the state!

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    • DanielleH says:

      This is very, very true, the accidentally leaving the state thing. I missed an exit out of Providence once, when I first moved here, and ended up in Massachusetts!

  12. Chicky Baby says:

    I’m starting a Danielle fan club. Our flag will be a picture of you rocking the afro. I’ll be the president, of course.

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  13. DivineENVE says:

    you are my heroine!!

  14. Penbleth says:

    Ha. Perhaps they learned something that day after all. Well done you.

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  15. Jennifer says:

    THANK YOU! For doing this. The other day I tweeted that I want a you-drive-like-an-asshole-and-I’m-reporting-you-to-the-police app on my phone. My coworker moved here a year ago and he swears we have the worst drivers he has ever seen. I grew up here and I have to agree with him.

  16. lonek8 says:

    I have totally done this. not because anyone made fun of my afro (which I don’t have but am kind of totally jealous that you are rockin one), but just because they cut me off or did some other vaguely dickish/dangerous move around my car. Especially if my kids are in the car with me. it is to my ever lasting regret that I was in too big of a hurry to follow the asshole that pulled around me at a red light (in front of a school no less) and then RAN THE LIGHT. Not getting him his just desserts still bugs me.

    Good for you!

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  17. Alex says:

    You 1. Bitches 0.

    I did this last week, I called the cops on a guy who was driving over the double yellow line, tailgating, running stop signs, speeding, basically trying to kill someone. I followed him while on the phone with 911 until I got to work. I really hope they caught that a-hole.


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