Why I Have a Completely Irrational Yet Justified Fear of Frozen Food

May 25, 2011
by • 72 Comments

I’m not afraid of spiders, snakes, scorpions, or even Justin Bieber. But I am afraid of frozen food.

Wait, let me back up a bit. Maybe I should start by telling you about our little family problem.

You see, just about everyone in my family has what we like to lovingly refer to as ACS or “Active Colon Syndrome.” Which is pretty much self-explanatory.

When I was growing up, we regularly enjoyed dinner table conversation that revolved around my dad’s toilet mishaps. (Yeah, we’re THAT family.) One of my personal favorites was the time that it was very cold and my dad was reluctant to take off his coveralls to take a dump in the port-a-potty. Unfortunately, he waited a little too long and by the time he was ready to strip, it was too late and he had to throw his underwear away in the trash and go commando the rest of the day.

Yeah. My sisters and I loved the crap out of those stories.

That is, until a few years ago when it started happening to us.

But instead of throwing my sisters under the bus, I’ll concentrate on me.

The first thing I noticed is that Wal-Mart seemed to have a strange effect upon my colon. (It’s probably my own fault for shopping in the Vortex of Evil, but what can I say? I’m cheap.) Anyway, for some reason it seemed that every time I would go in the frozen food section, I would feel the sudden and immediate urge to take an enormous crap. I’m not talking about any average crap either. I’m talking a full-on colon cleansing. The kind folks like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears pay good money for at the Celebrity Colon Connection.

It was like a frozen food high colonic. I could be completely fine. Walk me past the frozen pizzas and BAM! I was sprinting through the store towards the little girl’s room faster than Abebe Bikila.

At first it didn’t concern me. But then I got pregnant, grew an extra rear end and a baby that seemed to think my bladder/colon was his own personal trampoline and things became difficult. I began avoiding the frozen food section at all costs. Because nobody wants to see a 180-pound pregnant lady running wildly toward the restroom.

After my son was born, I mistakenly assumed I was safe again.

One day, a few weeks after he was born, I was strolling casually through Wal-Mart with my baby in the Bjorn. I remembered some delicious corn and peas we had eaten a few weeks before. I walked over to the frozen food section boldly, confidently, without a care in the world.

Just as I passed the frozen corny dogs and without any warning whatsoever, I was hit by an urgency that made me double over in pain. Clenching my butt cheeks as tight as humanly possible, I hobbled as quickly as I could toward the restroom. Unfortunately, the effects of the frozen corny dogs were too strong. I stood there in the middle of Wal-Mart and shit myself like a newborn baby.

With tears streaming from my eyes and shitapalooza streaming down my legs, I ditched my groceries and walked slowly toward the exit hoping that I wouldn’t be the next feature on People of Wal-Mart. By the way, in case you’re wondering, the only thing worse than shitting yourself in the middle of Wal-Mart is shitting yourself in the middle of Wal-Mart while wearing a baby.

Cleaning myself up while trying not to infect my baby with toxic waste was about as fun as poison ivy at a nudist camp.

So now you know why I have a completely irrational yet justified fear of frozen food.

And why I carry several pairs of spare underpants in my purse.

Filed Under: Know Yourself Tagged With: , ,
About Naomi De La Torre

Naomi de la Torre used to be a world famous salsa dancer and Guinness World Record holder in competitive meat-sculpting and artistic pie-eating before she gave up her life of fame and fortune to settle down. Now the mother of two adorable boys, she is most likely to be found hiding from the 100 pound pile of dirty laundry that stalks her, eating her weight in jarred cheese or using a can of Crisco to squeeze herself into her old sequined salsa dresses. Naomi is a contributing writer for SheKnows, Momtastic, Baby Banter and Insert Eyeroll.

Comments

  1. Dina says:
    May 25, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    And I thought I was the only one who carried a change of undies!!! Good sh…. stuff… ;)

    Reply
  2. Jen says:
    May 25, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    I don’t know that was tough to read. I some how think I would have started to trot, no pun intended and tried to fool my fellow shoppers into thinking I was running a marathon!

    I will refrain from the expected holy shit comment since I am a mother of five!

    Reply
  3. Kyla says:
    May 25, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    Believe it or not, I have the EXACT same reaction to Wal-Mart. Wait. Did I just say that out loud?

    Reply
  4. Cassie says:
    May 25, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Ouch! I am SOO sorry! I have had tummy troubles with greasy fastfood, and Wingers has that effect on me. I have had only one underwear pooping incident, but it got close in Boston once when the McDonalds had a pay restroom – thanks to my amazing mom who is organized and carries her change in a coin purse during vacations, I mad it! (She carries the coin purse because she has a similar problem with her bladder, and most European potties require payment!)

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    • Naomi says:
      May 25, 2011 at 7:07 pm

      Oh yes. European toilets. I’ve had some unfortunate experiences with those too. But I should probably save that story for another time. I think I’ve told enough shit stories on myself for one day. (Glad to hear you made it though!)

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  5. JasonE says:
    May 25, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    O M G I <3 U INFINITELY FOR SHARING THAT

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  6. Alexandra says:
    May 25, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Oh my gosh…laughing so hard.

    For me? It’s Walgreen’s that causes colonic cleansings..

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  7. Accidental Expert says:
    May 25, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    This is hilarious. Now I know where to go when I’m feeling a little stopped up.

    Reply
  8. Dan says:
    May 25, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Every single time i take a step inside my garage, i have to run to the bathroom. Not even safe in my own house.

    Reply
  9. mommakiss says:
    May 25, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    I don’t even have words as I sit here in awe of your shittasticness. Seriously. Thank you, dear friend. Thank you for sharing.

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  10. Klz says:
    May 25, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    Carrying extra undies is just good sense…and cents

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  11. parentingadabsurdum says:
    May 25, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    “Vortex of Evil” – ha!! My husband would love your family…

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  12. Amber says:
    May 25, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    Holy crap! (Pun intended.) I just don’t know how to respond to this except with a deep chuckle. I may not have the colon issues, but I have severe peeing my pants issues.

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  13. Kimberly says:
    May 25, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    Say poop..how can you not smile when you say poop? Especially when poop happens to other people.
    Sorry it had to be you. Too funny.

    Reply
  14. Hillary says:
    May 25, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    Awesome story!! HOW have I not heard that before?

    Reply
  15. Kim says:
    May 25, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    I’m that way with libraries

    Reply
  16. Wowiee says:
    May 25, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    Target does it for me. Every time. I could be driving by a Target and the clenching starts.

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  17. Heather says:
    May 26, 2011 at 12:54 am

    Naomi, I’m wetting myself laughing at the wonderful image I now in my head. What a start to the day! :D

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  18. Barenakedmummy says:
    May 26, 2011 at 3:51 am

    You are so funny Naomi!!

    Its the fart and follow through that happens to me. You know when you break wind and wander if anything else had come out. Then you go to the toilet and see that it has!!

    BNM

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  19. All Fooked Up says:
    May 26, 2011 at 10:32 am

    HOLY SHIT! no really, i can’t even imagine this.

    hahahaha

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  20. Rupert Wolfe Murray says:
    May 26, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Interesting that this article got way more comments than most of the others on your site. I guess crap is a subject that concerns us all. All I have to say about frozen food is that the one vegetable that they say “freezes well” is green peas. But I wouldn’t be surprised to find out they are toxic.

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  21. Rupert Wolfe Murray says:
    May 26, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Great article BTW. Keep ‘em coming.

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  22. dusty earth mother says:
    May 26, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Okay, kind of in pain right now from laughing. Naomi, that’s one of the worst/best stories I’ve ever heard. Have I ever mentioned that my daughter lifted her skirt at a playdate (with a mom I barely knew) and took a dump on the woman’s floor? Not WalMart, but my own personal Vortex of Evil. Love you, poopy pants.

    Reply
  23. Mandyland says:
    May 26, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    OMG, sweetie! I don’t mean to be laughing so hard. Really, I don’t.

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  24. Ed Adams says:
    May 27, 2011 at 8:40 am

    I just threw up a little in my mouth.

    Thanks.

    And THAT is why I avoid Wal-Mart. Not because of frozen foods, but because someone is always either throwing up or shitting themselves in there.

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  25. Bryan says:
    May 27, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    You should have Schwan’s come to your house that way you’re always near a bathroom!

    Reply
  26. Unknown Mami says:
    May 30, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    You and my mom need to swap stories.

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  27. Rupert Wolfe Murray says:
    May 31, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Interesting how dumping is such a popular subject, but it makes sense considering its something we all do (or all should do) every day. I have an eco-brother who recycles his families poops in a compost toilet and uses the product in the garden. He says we should all do that but my daughter is horrified by the idea.

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    • Naomi De La Torre says:
      May 31, 2011 at 11:03 am

      I’ve heard of those compost toilets! Sounds like a good idea (in an armpit hippy kinda way), but also really freaks me out at the same time. If you end up doing it, please share the details! I’d love to hear all about it from someone who’s actually doing it IRL.

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  28. Rupert Wolfe Murray says:
    May 31, 2011 at 11:29 am

    My brother has some really interesting stuff on compost toilets and it’s nice to think that this hilarious chat might end up with us all learning something useful about poop; that it’s a valuable nutrient and not a health hazard.

    Click on this link, there’s some really good stuff about this (in the context of him building an eco house in Portugal): http://wolfeintransition.blogspot.com/2009/04/up-for-air.html

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  29. Naomi De La Torre says:
    May 31, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Wow, that was fascinating! I don’t think I ever realized how really useful and important compost toilets could be. Why don’t more people know about this!!?? Thanks for sharing that link. I enjoyed reading that. Your bro seems like a really interesting guy.

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  30. JDaniel4's Mom says:
    June 1, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    This would be so hard. We live on frozen veggies.

    Reply
  31. hilljean says:
    June 2, 2011 at 3:36 am

    Oh my goodness. I was on the edge of my seat. Those darned corndogs! And I hear you on the new baby thing—things slip out without any control. Eek. At least it was Walmart and not Target. I feel like it’d be more noticeable at Target, right?

    Reply
  32. Naomi says:
    June 2, 2011 at 7:30 am

    ABsolutely!! Those dang cornydogs. And this is why I make my husband do all the frozen food shopping now. Hehehehehe.

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  33. Motpg says:
    June 2, 2011 at 7:45 am

    It’s more rare but usually hits me when I’m traveling. In the middle of nowhere. Starts a whole new theory of does a Ms. G. #### in the woods.

    My mother would have adored you. A kindred colon : )XOXO.

    Reply
  34. liz says:
    June 2, 2011 at 11:28 am

    I’m pretty sure I never would be able to go to that WalMart again.

    Reply
  35. Charisse says:
    June 2, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    I have that same problem. And it is in the Devil Store, also. I think it’s because the bathroom is SOOO effing far away from ANYWHERE in the store. And the fact that the store is the work of Satan. (I jest…mostly) But seriously…I have a very active colon. My wife calls me a ferret. She says there is no way that the food can make it through me THAT quickly. And I assure that OH. IT. HAS!!

    oatestosow.blogspot.com

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  36. Naomi says:
    June 2, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    Bwhahaaha!! I love that your wife calls you a ferret. I’ll have to tell my husband that. He would laugh. Because he is the opposite from me. It takes him a good 30 minutes to an hour every time he goes into the bathroom. Not to mention, he needs mood lighting, a good magazine, lighted candles, etc. and sometimes that’s not even enough to get his colon rockin and rolling. I guess there are *some* advantages to Active Colon Syndrome, huh?

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