Too Fat For Saturday

My best friend in the entire world is getting married on Saturday.

I’m really excited about her wedding, even if it means wearing a bridesmaid’s dress that cuts off my air supply.

I realized last week that I hadn’t even tried on my dress since before I got pregnant. It was then that I also realized that I still needed to lose about 30 lbs of baby weight before I could actually wear the aforementioned dress.

I tried it on one morning before work and couldn’t get it to zip, in fact ripping the dress just a little at the base. I called just about every David’s Bridal in the tri-state area, and the last store I called informed me that the dress had been discontinued, and that no store in the continental United States had that dress in the color (Barney purple) and size (18) I needed.

In a panic, I called my friend and confessed to her that not only was I too fat for my dress, but that I had less than two weeks to fix the problem. She was very cool about it, which I appreciated, and together we found a dress that she thought might be the solution. I ordered the dress at work, and paid extra for expedited shipping.

Then I went home. After I got home, I stared at my original bridesmaid’s dress for at least half an hour, silently cursing it for ruining my self-esteem. I decided to try it on one more time for good measure.

This time, I zipped up the dress before pulling it on over my head. It was a tight fit, and I had to squash down my boobs quite a bit, but IT FIT!! I couldn’t breathe, but IT FIT! I couldn’t sit down, but IT FIT!

Of course, all of this happened after I’d spent $250 on a new dress that had already been shipped. They make you pay extra for “plus” sizes, you know. I tried it on when it came in the mail–it’s about 2 sizes too big for me, which was just what my fragile ego needed. My wallet, however, is super pissed.

Despite all the dress drama, I know that this wedding is going to be fun. I’m going to get to see tons of friends I haven’t seen for a while and I can drink, which means at some point, my dress will unzip all by itself.

And I will finally be able to breathe.

I’m Annie Noblin. I’m a 29 year old English teacher. I have an M.A. in Creative Writing, which means I was to the point of starvation when Arkansas State University finally called to offer me a job. Now I teach incoming freshman about comma splices. I have a son named Jude, and it infuriates me when people ask if he’s named after Jude Law. How could “Hey Jude” not be the first assumption? I have one husband, and one wheelchair bound Boston Terrier with Down Syndrome named Ruthie (no, seriously). I love to play Call of Duty, eat poptarts, and smoke Black & Milds. I am prepared for the zombie apocalypse. Find me blogging here:

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  1. Laura says:

    Jude Law?! That never even crossed my mind. Hey Jude all the way!

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  2. I have only known one Jude in my life, and I watched him steal doughnuts at a grocery store one day. Now, that might sound like I’m implying that your son will be felon or something, but I’m really just trying to say that I’d rather associate your son with a doughnut-stealer than a unfaithful, balding, not-particularly-talented actor.

    WTG on the dress fitting. Remember to bend at the knees, not the waist. I learned that the hard way.

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  3. cate says:

    Hey, not to be pedantic, but…dogs can’t have Down syndrome. Only people can. My kid does. It’s not cool to use DS as a flip comment like that.

    Thanks. And congrats on fitting into the dress.

  4. Annie says:

    First of all, it wasn’t used as a flip comment, but even if it was, I wasn’t mocking your kid, so my suggestion is to get on over it.

    And actually, yeah, animals CAN have DS. Just FYI. This isn’t even new and shocking information. This article is from all the way back in 2000:

    “Evidence for a credible animal version of Down syndrome mounted today with a report from Johns Hopkins scientists verifying the syndrome’s signature skull and facial deformities in a genetically modified mouse.”

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