The Suburban Cholera Poser Ramble

I have been really sick since Monday.  Like “stomach problems” sick.

In fact, I’m not totally sure what cholera is, but I think I might have it.

Can you get cholera in the suburbs?

Cholera in the Suburbs.

I think I may have just stumbled on an award winning book title there.

Do they give awards for just naming a book?

So I may have the cholera and, for some odd reason, I want to tell the whole world.  Usually, I’m really private about stuff that’s private, like, gasp, diarrhea and vomiting, but I kept opening Twitter every five minutes on Monday wanting to document my potential cholera episode in detail.  A myriad of 140 character updates came to mind only to be deleted for fear of having someone respond, “Dude, SERIOUSLY?  I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR NASTY BATHROOM ESCAPADES.”

And, then, I thought, I know!  I’ll post on Aiming Low about my cholera.  Because, those people over there love to hear bathroom stories.

The real question is, of course, do I really, really have cholera?  I mean, I don’t want to go around telling people I have cholera when I don’t and then be some kind of cholera poser.

Another book title, The Suburban Cholera Poser.

How do I not have a book deal, yet?

So, of course, I did what any one of you would do, I got online and asked Google, “Symptoms of cholera.”

I love Google.  You don’t even have to stuff your sentences with meaningless crap like, “What is.”  I wish I could talk to people with that level of efficiency.

I could walk into the store and be all, “Toilet paper” instead of, “Hi, pardon me, oh, I’m fine and you, do you mind just, if it’s not too much trouble…”  Speaking Google could also work quite well when my husband comes home from work. I could just hand him the kids and say, “Your turn” and then walk away instead of all that, “Hi-honey-I’m-glad-you’re-home-let-me-pretend-to-care-what-happened-at-work-today-so-I-don’t-look-like-a-total-jerk.”

Everyone should speak Google.

But, I digress, let’s get back to the pressing matter of my cholera or lack thereof.

According to an Internet site that is reputable, these are the things we need to know about cholera:

Most symptomatic cases of cholera cause mild or moderate diarrhea that’s often hard to distinguish from diarrhea caused by other problems.

So, you have diarrhea.  It might or might not be cholera.  Please don’t tell me a doctor wrote this.

Symptoms of cholera infection may include:

Diarrhea: Cholera-related diarrhea comes on suddenly and may quickly cause dangerous fluid loss — as much as a quart (.95 liters) an hour.

How EXACTLY does one measure the exact volume of diarrhea per hour?  Is there a device of some sort you can order off of the Internet?

Diarrhea due to cholera often has a pale, milky appearance that resembles water in which rice has been rinsed (rice-water stool).

If you didn’t just giggle like a ten year old at “rice-water stool,” I don’t think we can be friends.  Also?  Ewww and NO.

Nausea and vomiting: Occurring in both the early and later stages of cholera, vomiting may persist for hours at a time.

So, I only vomited once.  But hear me out.  I feel that this is less an indicator of my not having cholera and more an indicator of my body’s inability to commit to any physical activity for more than a few minutes.  I mean, if it won’t go to the gym and do the elliptical for 45 minutes, why would I expect it to commit to vomiting for hours at a time?  That’s setting the bar kind of high.

Dehydration: Dehydration can develop within hours after the onset of cholera symptoms. A loss of 10 percent or more of total body weight indicates severe dehydration.

Did you just say 10% or more of total body weight?!!  I once heard this saying that went, “Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.”  This factoid made me think, “Forget lettuce, I’d rather fall in cholera!”

Why, yes, I would like the name of your therapist, thankyouveryMUCH.

Anyway, there’s loads of other symptoms like lethargy (yes, always), shock (about 3-4 times a day) and fatigue (hell to the yes).

In the end, though, the article pretty much said, “Maybe you have cholera, maybe you don’t.  You decide.”

And that kind of drives home how annoying it must be for my daughter when she asks me some crazy question like, “Why do people fight wars?” and I respond with, “I don’t know why do YOU think people fight wars?” and this also makes me realize why she’s been screaming at me so much lately.

So, after much deliberation, I’ve decided, yes, why I think I will have some cholera, thank you for asking.  Undoubtedly, it will prove to be highly advantageous to me in several key areas of my life.

First and foremost, my body will finally learn the value of commitment as it dedicates itself to several hours of puking.

Second, ten percent reduction in body weight is sure to deliver in approximately two days what the “cookie diet” could not in over two weeks.

And, of course, last but not least, if Cholera Poser in the Suburbs doesn’t have NYT Bestseller written all over it, I just don’t know what does.

Photo credit: jasleen_kaur