I’m surprised my little brother Ben doesn’t hate me.
Once upon a time, I noticed that he was innocently Instant Messaging some middle school girl that he probably wanted to french.
Then I noticed that he got up briefly to get a YooHoo or something & I saw this as a prime opportunity to mess with him.
It’s what I do. I’m his big sister. I’m really good at it.
So, I sit down & I begin to type a message to his pre-pubescent girlfriend…
“Sometimes I like to stick my fingers in my butt & smell them.”
I didn’t press enter.
I was just going to wait for him to see it & then laugh & delete it but he freaked the eff out & started hitting me. Bad move broseph. So, of course I was all, “OH, HAILLL NO. I’M GONNA FREAKING SEND IT NOW, HOMEY!”
There we were, wrestling & hitting & calling each other names, like butthole or stupid ass face, and he starts to try & delete it!
I grab his hands to stop him.
I reach over to try & press send.
He grabs MY hands to stop me!
Finally, he pinned my arms behind my back thinking that he’s safe from danger but NO!
I quickly lean my head forward & in a moment of brilliance, valiantly press enter with my tongue!
It’s still just as funny as the day it happened. Well, to me anyway.
There was also that time I punched him in the head & gave him a wedgie that went so far up his butt crack that he cried. All because I wanted him to change the channel from Power Rangers to Oprah. In my book, she is worth fighting for.
And I can’t forget the time I fed him one of my boogers when he was an infant. I just wanted to see if he would eat it!
And he did.
Hey, I was 8. What do you expect?
Like I said, I’m surprised he doesn’t hate me.
I swear to you, this is the worst shit I’ve ever done to him (so far). I’m generally a good big sister, I think. I’m the type that will surprise you in the middle of the day on your 21st birthday to do Irish Car Bombs & give you blue nipples with pool stick chalk.
At least I didn’t stab him in the thigh with a trident like I wanted to.
Did you have torturous older siblings? What did they do to you? I wanna know so I don’t feel like such an asshole.
About Robin Plemmons
Oh my gawd, on behalf of your brother, *I* hate you. I have three younger brothers and they did that kind of shit to me ALL THE TIME. TIMES THREE. The nicest thing any one of them ever did for me was give me a checker wrapped in a piece of notebook paper for Christmas. A checker he had stolen from my checker game a month before.
Twitter Name: handflapper
I know! I promise you I’ve tried to make up for all the trauma I caused. I hope your brothers are nicer & have given you better presents (that they didn’t steal from you).
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I tortured my little brother, too. It’s good for them. It makes them kinder, gentler people. (I hope.)
Unrelated: I like to try to guess the writer based on the title when Aiming Low tweets new posts. I knew this had to be you. :)
Twitter Name: nicholee
Yes, I think you’re right. Ben is a very kind, very gentle person.
I like your writer guessing game! I’m gonna play that from now on.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I’m a very happy, very relieved only child. I was spared the rough-housing and sibling rivalry…
Not only that, I’m the eldest cousin on both sides of my family! I got to be mean to the babies I was forced to watch at family gatherings…
BUT I stopped growin at age 13, I am still under 5ft tall, and they are all huge, grown beasts. I moved to another state, just to be safe.
Twitter Name: anchasta
For a second I thought you wrote “they are all huge, grown breasts…” I was confused.
Good move with the separate state thing.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I used to pull his earlobes.
Oh, it feels so good to get that off my chest after 40 years…
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Has he retaliated yet? Cause I bet he wants to.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
My brother use to sing to me every time I set down to eat something. The song went a little like this… “Stuff it, stuff it, stuff til you’re satisfied”
He would also cover my head with a pillow until I almost died (it felt like it)
He would make me bow down and say things like “oh great Tony”
He would bounce my head against a wall…
I now work for him.
I must love torture.
Sounds like Tony needs a beat down. I know people who do that sort of thing.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I really can’t get past the part where you were instant-messaging when you were 8. How old are you? HOW OLD AM I?
Twitter Name: kristenhowerton
Ha! No, no. He was in middle school when he was instant messaging. When I was 8, I was feeding him boogers. The post is not in chronological order. I’m 32. THAT’S NOT OLD, RIGHT??
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I had a tortuous younger sister who bit me on the thigh just as I was about to go to Brownies.
I MAY have created a scene about that.
Twitter Name: penbleth
I shaved my little sister’s eyebrows off when she was 4 years old. Just wanted to see what it would look like. Hey! SHE’S the one that LET me!
Twitter Name: Tania Prakash
Thanks for the laugh, Robin. Let’s see….1) I crimped my little bro’s hair and applied blue eyeshadow and lipstick (all with his consent). 2) Once I attacked him with a loaf of bread…not very effective. 3) I watched a violent movie where this mom hit her kid with a clothes hanger and it didn’t seem like it would be that painful, so I tested it on little bro. Turns out, it is quite painful. 4) At night, when I was done reading in bed, I would knock on my bedroom wall and he would come over from his room and turn out my light for me. :)
Twitter Name: writerGDW
I had 5 siblings growing up. An older sis and a younger as well as an older brother and two younger ones. I tortured and was tortured by them all at some point!
On a family vacation once my brother age 7ish and I age 10ish were sharing bunk beds. I was mad because I thought I was supposed to get the other bunk that night, but he whined and my mom gave in to him even though of course it wasn’t fair. After my mom left I whispered “I’m gunna kill you” (I certainly wasn’t, we said that all the time when we were annoyed at each other) He ran screaming out of the room. I still remember thinking “what’s his problem?”
I was HORRIBLE to my little brother. Actually, not accurate. I STILL am horrible to him. I made him eat dog food. I piled the couch cushions on him and then sat on top of him. I beat him with whatever was handy. I played dead till he freaked out. And I still mentally torture him all the time. I could teach the CIA something about enhanced interrogation techniques.
Twitter Name: amybhole
I am the torturous older sibling. You’d have to ask my sisters — but don’t believe a word the little fuckers tell you!
Twitter Name: returntoworkmom
lol. You were brutal!! Especially, the bit about the wedgie!! Have you ever been wedgied?