So, the other day I’m window shopping inside Nordstrom’s. Alas, there were no windows but I had no money and no intention of buying anything so, technically that is in fact what I was doing.
As I walked around I couldn’t help but notice a whole bunch of men scattered around the place, all sitting, waiting, wondering to themselves, “How the fuck did I end up here?”
Yes, my former job was that of a mind reader, why do you ask?
Anyway, so as I was walking around trying to justify why I needed a $340.00 dress that in retrospect looked like it was made at a “craft camp” for five year olds, I suddenly caught the eye one of these men who I will kindly describe as “middle aged”. Actually, I caught his eyes looking at my ass and for some reason still decided to start a conversation with him.
JESSICA: Oh my God, you guys are everywhere. You all look so fucking bored it’s hilarious.
MIDDLE AGED MAN: Yeah, we sure are.
JESSICA: I feel bad for you.
MIDDLE AGED MAN: We do too.
I then proceeded to wander around and within moments began choosing a variety of items to try on because putting on clothes you love that you know very well you cannot afford to buy, well, let’s just say that only having my molar extracted and watching my breasts waste away have given me a greater feeling of satisfaction.
So, there I was perusing the sales rack when I began to wonder if any of these men were smart enough to get their wives/girlfriends to guarantee them a whopping post shopping trip through their nether regions that would last so long that by the time the woman came up for air she will have likely aged by at least a year.
I was still pondering this notion when the middle aged man approached me and said:
MIDDLE AGED MAN: Well you shouldn’t feel too bad, at least you have his credit card.
WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?!!!!
Yes, this man actually came up to me in the year 2011 and immediately presumed that I was shopping for clothes using a MAN’S credit card.
I confess it took me a moment to gather my wits because right when he said that I found myself looking around to see if perhaps I had been writing the wrong CENTURY on my checks for all these years.
When I realized that in fact I had not, I turned to him and said,
JESSICA: I don’t have a “his”, I have a “mine”. I’m a single mother and this whole shopping spree is courtesy of me. The only “his” I do have is his penis and I decided to leave it at home because it’s a pain in the ass when I’m trying on pants.
The man quickly turned around and returned to his chair. He did look a bit upset to be sure, but I’m not sure if it’s because of what I said or the fact that he wished he and his penis had been left at home as well.
About Jessica Bern
OMG That’s fantastic!
Ah, the balls you have. Awesome!
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
Good for you! And, sorry I harassed you. I won’t do it again. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Somehow my daughter keeps conning me into taking her to the mall to check out clothes and god knows what else.
Twitter Name: thejackb
don’t go Jack. You’ll hate your life
Too late. ;)
Twitter Name: thejackb
OMG, you’re awesome. You’re my hero! that is the best reply I have EVER HEARD.
Twitter Name: escameron
This is why mothers warn their daughters not to talk to strange men, they’re just going to say something completely inane and then you’ll have to call on every ounce of your restraint not to bop them right on the nose.
Twitter Name: penbleth
yeah, I really had to hold myself back with this jerk
Well, the bright side of it is that even though he was archaic in his assumption, at least he thought you were hot enough to have a sugardaddy ;)
Twitter Name: Alexandra90210
What century, indeed.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Ha!! Brilliant!
I wish I was as quick a come back as you, what with the sexist men at work
Twitter Name: becca_masters
The payoff at the end of that story was priceless! Get it, like the credit card commercial… bad joke. Yep, misogyny is alive and well, but at least women own the blogosphere.
Twitter Name: 2girlsonabench
the irony of it all is do you have any idea how many women I know that support their husbands, boyfriends, whatever? It’s astonishing.
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica! Must I teach you everything? First he was checking out your ass and then he was trying to find out if you’re in a relationship. That dear middle-aged man was just trying to get with you, girl.
SO
P.S. His approach was Neanderthaltastic though. It’s best that he returned to his chair near the escalator.
At least he didn’t call you “the little woman”!
Ha! That’s funny. What is with these men that follow women around shopping? Why don’t they just say no? Beats me. And why do women want men sitting around waiting?
You don’t have to leave the penis at home if you do a little strategic tucking whilst trying on unaffordable clothes.
Twitter Name: nannygoats
FINALLY! Someone who actually says the right thing at the time – not later in their head.
He deserved that. What an ass.
Twitter Name: BigPieceofCake
Why do you, as a mind reader have to ask “why do you ask?”
Twitter Name: kblooey