Murdering the Breast Pump

This post is by Naomi de la Torre

Ever since I was forced to be pump-dependent for 6 months while my son was tongue-tied and couldn’t nurse, I’ve had this glorious vision of myself beating my breast pump to smithereens like that scene from the movie Office Space where the employees murder the diabolical fax machine.

The only reason I never did the dirty deed is because, unfortunately, I still needed the pump occasionally. (For overnight dates and such.) And it cost $320. Which is probably too much to pay for ten minutes of demented retribution.

And yet, whenever I had to pull out the wretched thing and actually use it, those monstrous feelings of revenge rose inside of me like the bitterest bile and I couldn’t help myself. After killing it slowly with my eyes the whole time I pumped, I felt entitled to give it just a little kick when done as I stowed it away in the darkest reaches of my closet.

I should be grateful, I guess. That pump worked silently and tirelessly for me while I railed insults and spit in its general direction. It never put up a fuss. It never broke down. It never gave me a dirty look or tried to leave me by the side of the road for dead.

My hatred had no rightful origin. Except that when I think about the pump, I can’t help but remember the hundreds of hours I spent half-naked—my fat, postpartum, gelatinous belly hanging out, my enormous hooters hooked up to wires and tubes, my pride in the toilet—while my friends and family looked on and pretended not to be horrified by the spectacle.

It was never my intention to force my loved ones to be privy to such an abomination, but if I had pumped alone, I would have spent the entire six months incarcerated in my bedroom, while my baby screamed, my three year old destroyed the house, and my friends pretended they enjoyed sitting in my living room by themselves.

But I’m over it now. Just the other weekend, my husband and I enjoyed a night of overnight babysitting from my sister-in-law and for the first time since Diego was born I didn’t have to pump when I woke in the morning. Oh sure, there was still a little extra milk in there, but not enough to require a full pump-off.

It was miraculous! It was divine! I thought about throwing a party, or buying a cake, or doing something spectacular to celebrate, but then I realized that it might be weird to invite my friends over for a party in honor of my empty breasts. And that’s when I spied the baseball bat in the corner.

With my husband still asleep, I snatched the pump, ran into the backyard, and tied up that bad boy like a piñata. I’m not even going to tell you what happened next. I don’t want to give you nightmares. Suffice it to say I had my own little fiesta out in the backyard. And nobody went home with any party favors.

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Comments

  1. can totally relate! i used to have to lug mine on my horrible, nightmarish commute on public transport, then go into a non-lactation-friendly office. i get pissed off just thinking about it!

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  2. Annie says:

    Well done!!! I’m picturing the demolition of your breast pump, complete with Office Space music!!

    • Naomi says:

      Yeah, it was definitely an epic moment. Too bad I didn’t take pictures. Would’ve made a nice addition to the baby book…

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  3. Oh my god…did you really go postal on a breast pump??

    I…I…I am speechless and I will forever more live vicariously through you.

    If I gave you a list of potential “pinatas,” how much would you charge to bash them for me??

    • Naomi says:

      I can’t help it. I have anger control issues when it comes to those things. And as far as those “pinatas”…. I’ll be happy to take care of them. No charge.

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  4. Mama, I’m sorry it was so awful but sweetie, I never had enough milk to ever have to pump off:( In fact the little bastard who I;d like to beat like a pinche pinata would be the damn SNS contraption that I had to hook myself up to like cattle.Oye, no fun!

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  5. Laura says:

    Love. First, I love that you referenced my favorite scene in Office Space! Second, I love that my small but still perky boobs were never hooked up to milkers. And third, I love that you beat the living hell of out your milking machine with a bat. You are my hero.

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  6. Sara says:

    My breast pump made me feel like livestock. I hated that thing. I never pumped in front of anyone but my husband, but that was still pretty humiliating. There is no unsexier feeling on earth! Mine is still in my closet in case we have another kid. I only hope you yelled “Die motherf***er!” while slaughtering yours, like in the Office Space scene. :-)

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    • Naomi says:

      The first time I saw a friend using one (before I had kids of my own) I threw up in my mouth a little. I’m pretty sure that’s why I was so supremely punished by the demon later on after I had my own rugrats.

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  7. Heather says:

    ha ha ha, brilliant! Naomi, you are fantastic. I would have come to your empty breast party by the way #justsaying

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  8. Natalie says:

    I’m getting ready to have a garage sale, and that is the #1 item on my list to get rid of! Let it be somebody else’s ball and chain to lug around for awhile!

    I also would’ve come to your empty breast party ;)

  9. Danny says:

    Ahhhh. I saw my wife pumping and she is still super sexy. Shouts out to all them mommys out there working hard to care for our children!!

  10. Trisha says:

    I think I love you. I would rather clean up vomit than ever have to pump again. Don’t be surprised if a FedX package arrives with my own demonic boob torturing device!

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  11. IzzyMom says:

    I never met a breast pump I didn’t hate. I don’t care that they extracted milk to feed my baby when I couldn’t be there. They made me feel like a cow on one of those fricken milking machines, with the creepy hosing all over the place.

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  12. emmay says:

    I HATED my breastpump…HATED it. My daughters were both preemies and for the 47 days the first was in the hospital, and the 29 days the second was in the hospital, I had to pump around the clock. There is nothing worse then setting your alarm to 3 a.m. and rising in the dark, alone, my baby miles away in he hospital, and listening to the straining suction sounds of the motor while it stretched my nipples to freak show proportions. It sucked during the day too, but it was worst at night. I hope you gave yours a bash or two for me. Mine was borrowed so I had to return it one piece.

    • Naomi says:

      Oh man, I bet pumping while your babies weren’t even around was the pits. We should have a pump smashing party just for preemie pumping alone. Too bad yours was borrowed or I’d be happy to take it out back for you. *cue evil laughter now*

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  13. Dara says:

    Duuuude,
    I totally would have bought it off of you.
    But I understand.

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  14. KLZ says:

    Oh, how I veritably loathe the breast pump. Helpful or not, it’ll make you murderous. It would also make an excellent torture device. Quick, someone call Gitmo!

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  15. Amanda says:

    My son had trouble latching in the beginning which turned into a vicious cycle that ended in me exclusively pumping. I have an EXTREME over supply, as in…in the first 6 months I pumped enough for my son and had 5,000 extra ounces in my freezer. No joke. 5000 ounces. I spend so much time pumping, I get so angry when I have to do it, it scares me. All i can think about is beating my pump to a bloody pulp. I totally feel your pain and can’t wait to do this to my pump.

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