May 2011 Horoscopes for Low Aimers

Today is the first day of the rest of your month! Hey there pretty Gemini and Cancer, foxy Libra and Pisces, and all the rest of y’all–this month is dropping some singularly amazing May Day flowers on your doorstep effortlessly tucked into handmade paper cones. So come on, let’s pluck the petals off of the daisies and see what’s what sort of cosmic swirling fantasticness is blooming for you this month.

Here’s what’s happening to everybody on the astro-level. You know that lyric from Hair (you might have not noticed it because you were distracted by the swinging private parts bouncing up and down the aisles, but you’ve probably heard this song in the grocery store, too, so you’re cool):

When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars

Well, kids, Jupiter has conjoined with Mars. April 30th, yes ma’am. So! That’s why you are feeling great right now, maybe. It might be the 75% off Easter candy sugar high, but more likely it’s this. Mars is power, energy and action; Jupiter is big ideas and optimism. Power + energy + action + big ideas + optimism = Hell Yes. Please enjoy. Your beat is nice. Hell Yes.

Know any May birthdays? Don’t cry for Evita on May 7th, it’s Eva Peron’s birthday. (If anyone throws a Madonna-as-Evita viewing party, I’m in.) I’ll be busy on the 11th, though, as it’s Salvadore Dali’s birthday and I have a Hillshire Farm alarm clock that I’ve been dying to melt. You’ve probably already received a Facebook message about the 14th: wrap up a new hoodie because Mark Zuckerberg turns 27. Schedule a massage on May 20th and tell them to cue up Enya (as if you have to tell them that) in celebration of her b-day. Say “#happybirthday” to @roseannecash on May 24th. She’s my favorite Twitter celeb because 1) she’s hot and 2) she’s Tweeted at me more than one time. Then wrap up the month by putting on your white halter dress and singing all breathy-like in honor of Mr. President JFK on the 29th. Happy Birthday, May babies!

Your Scope on the Rocks for May 2011

Aries: In the morning, in the evening, ain’t we got fun? Forget your day-to-day, Aries, this month is just a wall for the Kool-Aid guy to burst through, telling you Oh Yeah! Can Aries come out to play?

Taurus: Money, honey. And you are under major scrutiny, maybe for job advancement or some sort of power jump. It’s so close you can taste it, huh? You might be tempted to try to get in good with the decision makers, but a little retrograde thinking might be a better strategy. You can give your karma a boost by paying it back. Remember when George Jefferson anonymously played Santa for the people living in the apartment he had before making it rich? Ah, what a sweetie. Just like you. Congratulations!

Gemini: Listen, May has issued you a ransom note collaged from eight different magazines and it says: wE HaVE yoU aNd We ArEn’T GiViNG YOu BaCK untIL tHe END of tHe MonTH. If it feels like nothing is in your control, that greater forces are at play in your life right now, you are right. You might want to just give it and let May take the wheel. Kind of like how Martha Stewart gave up appealing her sentence and just settled into prison, did her time, taught her new friends origami and even wore that nice crocheted poncho her cellmate made for her. When May lets you go at the end of the month, you’ll be rested and ready to make some decisions, so you may as well sit back and enjoy the ride right now. Maybe knock out a box of peace cranes or whatnot. It’s all a good thing.

Cancer: May is bringing some long-needed chill to your space as things calm down in relationships and in your career. You might have some big tasks to finish first, but they are likely to flow effortlessly. Like a month-long visualization planted in your beta waves by a velvet-voiced yogi, your happy place will emerge. Can you see it–smooth chocolate rivers like in Willy Wonka? (The original one, not that creepy Johnny Depp version.) Mmm, chocolate effortless rivers. (Well, the first one was kind of creepy, too.) Never mind the river. Just know that your happy place is finding you this month and if someone tries to mess with that, have the Oompa Loompas cut the pushy beyotch. Ah, effortless rivers happy place.

Leo: It’s all about friends for you right now. Alliances, networks, bromances. Maybe it’s time to plan a buddy trip with your peeps. Thelma and Louise-style–with a cool car and Brad Pitt but not the guns and crashes, mmkay? Or go Hangover-style–but without Mike Tyson, a neglected baby and dental losses. Wait a minute, do buddy trips ever work out? Never mind, yours will, if you make in happen in May, because this month is full of the benefits of friendship, and maybe even some friendships with benefits if you play Venus right. That’s what I’m screaming. Or you’re screaming. Or let’s be optimistic and say that Brad Pitt is screaming. (Get some video of that for TMZ,alright?!)

Virgo: What does May have in story for you? I think the sultry Alejandro Sanz put it best when he sang: Tu y yo en mi habitación, la oscuridad nuestra canción y ya soy felíz. Eres la inspiración; tú creas y eres creación, eres odio y querer. Ven, te daré todos mis sueños porque vivo de ilusiones y así no sé vivir. Si aunque no quiera pienso en tí y el fuego en que me quemo, quiero morir en tu veneno, beberlo de tu piel y mi piel. Me pierdo en la realidad, tu luz me guia hacia el soñar; te busco, mi amor. Tú, tan perfecta, solo tú, producto de mi imaginación; por tí pierdo la razón. Ven a romperme de deseo, quiero morir en tu veneno sin tí no sé vivir, que sufro más sin tu sufrir. Quémame en tu fuego, quiero morir en tu veneno, veneno de tu piel. Si, tápame los ojos y dame de beber antes que salga el Sol; si, tómate la vida pero hazlo de una vez. Ven, te daré todos mis sueños que vivo de ilusiones y así no sé vivir. Si aunque no quiera pienso en tí y el fuego en que me quemo, quiero morir en tu veneno, beberlo de tu piel y mi piel. Or if you don’t speak Spanish, as the great romantic Nelly said: It’s getting hot in here. Or as the man at the convenience store in New Orleans said: Baby, you got a daddy? Oh, okay, too bad. Baby, you got a dolla?

Libra: You are craving more, more, more, but it feels like you are bumping up against budgets and limitations much too often. You are like a sweet little Roomba hustling around, but just when you are catching a righteous power groove and sucking up a bunch of good stuff you slam into a wall and you have to readjust your course. Of course you are tired of hearing your life’s GPS say: Recalculating. Of course you are, little one. The end is in sight, though, just bear down a little more and you should have some slack soon to Hoover up all you want. (Sucking is just a metaphor, by the way.)(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)(Who am I to judge?)

Scorpio: It’s all about intimacy right now. You’ve been trying to put forward a tough exterior and go it alone, but it’s time to share your deep feelings. Just like when in the earthshaking scene in Casablanca where Ilsa confesses her love to Rick and everything changes, maybe this is a good time to get real and go deep. You can do it with a Norwegian accent if that makes it easier. You know what, buy a fedora while you are at it, that will help too. Or maybe I just need a fedora. Note to self: buy a fedora. Maybe we can get a BOGO somewhere? Anyway, good luck with that intimacy thing. Here’s looking at you, kid.

Sagittarius: The beauty is in the details this month, which isn’t necessarily your favorite thing, but we know you can rock them when you have to. Partnerships work well for you in May too. The combination of those forces means you will absolutely kill on the dance floor. Even more than usual. Pas de deux, baby, pas to the deux. Maybe you can find a little Jack Rabbit Slims Twist Contest, slip out of your shoes like Vincent and Mia, and bring home the trophy.

Capricorn: Oh, Capricorn, what’s up? Is work getting to you? Let me tell you a story. Once I had this incredibly hard job. I was the summer nanny for a family with seven children! I know! It was crazy. The oldest girl was in her teens, and she was sleeping around so that was stressful, but most of them were little kids and they had some sort of group-reinforced panic disorder thing because their mom was gone and their dad was kind of a freak. They’d even get scared of the rain! It was really sad. But you know what always cheered them up? Singing. I’d get them singing and making shows and stuff, and they forgot about how borked their life was. It got a little weird at the end of the summer–the dad fell in love with me which ruined my nun career, and then the Nazis came and we had to flee our beloved Austria, stuff like that. I’ll never forget those happy days of singing, though, or maybe I saw all of that in a movie that lasted so long I remember it as my own life, same thing. What I’m saying is, there are two forces at work in May for you: sexy attention and music, my dear Cappy. So on an iTunes binge. Download a few of your favorite things. Keep your eye out for unexpected suitors. And stay away from goats–always words to live by. Unless they are Mountain Goats. Because that’s some good music there.

Aquarius: You may as well forget about work deadlines, because your brain already has. Home takes center stage in the beginning of the month, and romance pulls in as a reward at the end. In fact, there might be a sweet spot right in the middle where you are content with your house and garden projects and then -boom- just like in The Time Traveler’s Wife there is a naked person in your yard–your soulmate, your love. Your time-traveling naked lovah who wanders around in public naked! It could happen. Live every day in May like it could, (maybe carry an extra terrycloth robe in your laptop bag) and see what/who arrives.

Pisces: You have so much going on! Family, work, invitations: your attention is pulled in upteen directions. You know what you need? A clone! This is your solution to the demands of May. Not scary Stepford Wife replacement clones. No, I’m talking about useful ones, like when Michael Keaton clones himself in Multiplicity so he can get everything done without Andie MacDowell whining at him. She whines anyway, but that’s not the point, because Andie MacDowell always whines. The point is, you have a lot to get done, but science is on your side. So are takeout menus, babysitters and outsourced staff. If you want to take a pass on the clones, at least put other people to work for you!

What do you think? Are the stars on your side? Even if they aren’t, I am, I promise. It’s you, me, Beck, the naked cast of Hair and Roseanne Cash against the world. Happy May Day! Listen to Your Mother, on Mother’s Day and every day. Hell yes!