Our kids got a keyboard for Christmas—not the big ass Casio black and white kind. This keyboard is more special. It’s small and shaped like a cat, and it comes with a bunch of pre-programmed songs. My kids just switch it on, press a button, and jingling out of the speakers come must haves like The Hokey Pokey, This Old Man, and Ring Around the Mulberry Bush.
After about four months of playing around with the keyboard my kids recognize most of these songs, and they even know the words to a lot of them. They know that pressing the button once starts the song cycle, and they have figured out how to turn on the keyboard’s most unique feature: Meowsic.
That’s right, with one push of a button, put your left foot in, put your left foot out becomes even more intolerable: Meow meow meow meow meow meow. If you’re two, this is freaking hilarious, and to be danced to, and repeated over and over and over and over and over until you can barely breath you’re laughing so hard.
If you’re in your thirties, the Meowsic keyboard is to be violently smashed to smithereens and the sharp plastic pieces used to slash your wrists and take you out of your misery.
But, as usual, the two year old set wins out, and Meowsic lives on. And to add to the misery, my son insists on hearing specific songs, but he doesn’t understand that to get to a specific song he has to press the button over and over until that song plays. So of course I have to go over and cycle through the songs until Bingo becomes his name-o, or until the cheese stands alone, or until some dumb ass farmer has a bunch of annoying animals on his farm.
Okay, not that big a deal. There are worse songs to listen to. Except I have two kids, and they never want to hear the same song at the same time. My son’s personal favorite, and the song he insists to the point of hysteria on listening to, and the one he sings every chance he gets, is Mary Had a Little Lamb—or in Meowsic language: Meow Meow a Meow Meow.
My daughter doesn’t have a particular favorite, and instead likes to skip to the next song as soon as Mary Had a Little Lamb gets started! Yes, she’s the instigator. And while she laughs her ass off, her brother goes crazy—clinically insane! And when he finally catches his breath, he whines/yells/demands: MINE WANT MEHWY HAD WIDDO WAM! AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Against my better judgment, I don’t smash Meowsic into a thousand pieces. Instead, I cycle through the twenty or so jingles until it gets back to Mary Had a Little Lamb again. My son returns from the asylum, and tag teams his sister for her visit.
“MINE NO WANT MEHWY HAD WIDDO WAM!”
“Brother wants to listen to Mary Had A Little Lamb. You’re only pressing the button to make him mad. Stop pressing the button on pur—“
“MINE NO WANT MEHWY HAD WIDDO WAM! AHHHHHHHHHHH!”
This routine is repeated many times until Nurse Ratched comes to take us all away in straightjackets.
I have tried to hide Meowsic, thinking they would forget about it. They looked at me like I was an idiot. “Get Meowsic!” they emphatically demand.
I have tried to say that Meowsic was taking a little nap. “Meowsic wake up now! Play MEHWY HAD WIDDO WAM! AHHHHHHHHH!”
Meowsic gets more wonderful by the minute. Or by the blood curdling scream.
I finally broke my kids away from Meowsic and we went for a drive. There had to be a way to get rid of Mary’s little lamb. What kind of girl has a lamb for a pet anyway? As I drove around aimlessly, my son sang from the back seat, “Mehwy had a widdo wam, widdo wam, widdo wam. Mehwy went, Mehwy went, Mehwy went. . .”
I breathed deeply, and turned up the radio to drown out the psycho babble from behind me. I wondered what ever did happen to Mary’s little lamb anyway. The song doesn’t really tell us.
Just when I was about to give up hope and accidentally drive over the centerline, I saw a sign. An inspirational sign. A wonderful sign. A sign from a butcher, surely.
We sat down for dinner and had a nice conversation.
Son: Mehwy had a widdo wam, widdo wam, widdo wam. . .
Daughter: Mine no like Mehwy had widdo wam. . .
Me: How’s your dinner, guys? Isn’t this meat yummy?
Son: I like meat. Yummy! Mehwy went, Mehwy went. . .
Daughter: My meat yummy too!
Me: See, I knew you liked Mary’s little lamb. Whatever happened to Mary’s little lamb anyway? Where’d she go?
Daughter: Where her go? Where Mehwy wam go, Daddy?
Me: I don’t know where Mary’s little lamb went, sweetie. Just eat your yummy meat, okay!
Daughter: Meat yummy!
It was the best dinner I ever had. And it only cost me seven bucks. What a deal.
Baaaaahhhhhh!!!
About Jared Karol
I love your sense of humor and so badly hope that Karma does not come bitting for that very evil but funny as shit thing that you did! LMFAO!! I wil NEVER be able to eat another Gyro again and not think of Mary had a little lamb!! -Laverne
Hi Laverne, I just had a gyro for lunch today. It was delicious. I think the girl who was working there was named Mary. Okay, maybe not, but that would have been funny! :)
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I am soooo happy that you despise that keyboard. My children are 14, 10 & 6 and my sister used to buy my kids the most obnoxious, loudest toys imagineable. I promised her that when she had children that it would come full circle. Well she had triplets (they just turned 4) and I bought them this exact keyboard and a drum and cymbals. Karma coming full circle – PRICELESS!!!!
The people who bought it for our kids don’t have children yet, so I don’t know if they really knew. We’ll have to see how I feel when (if?) they have children. Maybe the triplets will turn out to be a power trio like Hendrix or something?
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Someday you’ll look back on Meowsic and laugh and laugh… Until then? I recommend earplugs. They block out a multitude of spawn-related sins.
Twitter Name: izzymom
But if I put earplugs in I won’t be able to hear the screams for me to press the button to hear Mary Had a Little Lamb over and over again. Wait, good idea! I’ll get ‘em this afternoon!
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
sorry I don’t have a lamb. :)
if you get one, you can ship it to me. I know what to do with it. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
LOL! lawnmower work.
Thanks Jared. I have seen meowsic in the store and almost bought it a bunch but my better judgement decided against it. Maybe when Finn turns 2 and your kids are 4 and grown out of it, you can bring it over to pass the torture along :)
I’m glad you wrote that in a place where it’s easily retrievable and I can prove that you said it. I’m counting the days. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
That’s the gift you get your frenemy!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I think it qualifies, yes. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Oh god. I. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
My son has this horrific contraption. Given to him at Christmas by some asshat of a relative. It was very cute and funny…on Christmas.
Twitter Name: Issascrazyworld
You said ass hat. That’s awesome! Maybe I’ll have to develop “Ass hat music”–not sure how that would sound though. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Probably better than that dam meowing cat piano.
Twitter Name: Issascrazyworld
you’re probably right. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
We have a very similar instrument, given to us by a “friend.” But in addition to the meowing, it has some really creepy songs sung by tone-deaf children. Something about a cat named Applebee, and another one about a cat that eats the pet fish or some shit like that. Anyway, that toy “ran out of batteries” a while ago, and Daddy just can’t figure out how to put the new ones in. Oh, well.
I think it’s the same “instrument”. I’ve heard plenty of tone-deaf children singing about Applebee, whoever the fuck that is. Yes, the run out of batteries line is a good one, although now my kids don’t even accept that one. They say, “Daddy go store, buy more”.
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Friends and family know that giving my kids toys that make noise will result in execution of Jack’s Shock and Awe campaign.
It starts with hiring a marching band to play outside their window at 2 am and then escalates to the relaxing sounds of air horns and sirens placed strategically throughout their homes.
Twitter Name: thejackb
I think that sounds like perfectly sound retribution. I’m going to start employing those techniques. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge